Escaped the trap! Karkasi ansasta!

Now I can report finally that I am celebrating and feeling over the moon about my success this time. We will be knocking on 6 months smoke free in about a week.

Nyt voin raportoida että juhlin ja alan olla innoissani saavutuksestani. Viikon kuluttua on 6 kuukautta siitä kun lopetin polttamisen.

It has become blatantly clear now that I see nicotine and smoking as what it really is, trap, addiction to a drug and that there is not a single thing that is pleasurable about it.

On tullut päivänselväksi se mitä tupakointi todella on, ansa, addiktio huumeeseen jossa ei ole mitään mielihyvää tuottavaa koko asiassa.

I have realized that what I thought was sheer enjoyment of having a cigarette, is in fact nothing else apart from feeding the nicotine addiction that gives me the false sense of pleasure when I have been deprived from it. In reality the pleasure I get is only a state that non-smokers have constantly, which is relaxed, non drug addicted state.

Olen tajunnut että se tila jonka tupakan polttaminen minulle antaa on sama tila joka tupakoitsemattomilla on jatkuvasti. Nikotiinin tarve saa minut tuntemaan oloni tyhjältä ja tarvitsevalta, niinpä tarvitsen seuraavan tupakan joka saa minut hetkeksi unohtamaan tämän, kunnes tarvitsen seuraavan tupakan. Polttamalla tupakan saan siis aikaan tunnetilan joka on rento tila joka on  tupakoimattomilla ihmisillä koko ajan. Toistan, KOKO AJAN.

I am FREE. I don't have to feed this addiction that is only created by nicotine and relieved momentarily by a dose that will create the need for my next fix as that would be insane. It would only lead me back to the same trap I spend 20 years trapped in.

Olen VAPAA. Minun ei tarvitse enää syöttää tätä addiktiota jonka nikotiini on luonut ja johon saa vain hetkittäistä helpotusta tupakalla kunnes tarvitsee seuraavan, olisi suorastaan hulluutta palata takaisin samaan ansaan jossa vietin 20 vuotta.

I am HAPPY. I am RELIEVED. I am ECSTATIC.

Olen ONNELLINEN. Olen HELPOTTUNUT. Olen HALTIOISSANI.

I might be fatter than I ever was, but I have more money, I feel healthier and stronger in every sense.
I WIN.

Saatan olla lihavempi kuin koskaan, mutta minulla on enemmän rahaa, tunne oloni terveemmäksi ja vahvemmaksi sanan jokaisessa merkityksessä.
MINÄ VOITAN.

Bluesy Saturday

I was just waking up this morning from this glorious dream that I was smoking a cigarette, inhaling the whole of it very deeply into my lungs and I then experienced the head rush, the shrinking of the capillary veins and the very bazang *yes. Invented that word as I could not find a suitable one* of the thing that gets you hooked in the first place.

It was in 3D on extreme screen with smells and feel included.

So I got up, made a coffee,ate a yogurt with granola, looked out, it was grey, cold and pissing it down with some heavy rain kinda Saturday morning. So drank that coffee, got dressed in the full waterproofs and even pulled on the gloves. Yeah this is not what English summer normally is, normally we have had a like a week in April of nice weather when everyone things that summer is coming, without realizing that that was it, all of it. This year we haven't even had that.

As I am writing this it is nearly end of May, the temperature outside at right this given moment is +7c.


So I got wet, the dogs got wet, it was rather depressing. I decided that I need a nap with the dogs, after we all got dried up and cozy, quite literally 2 hours after waking up. Then we went and lost to Sweden on Ice-Hockey semi finals so that just made the day.

It got better from there, some friends over, dinner, and socializing, little Bday celebration, watching the Eurovision, yeah, sad but true. There was some real good ones, real crappy ones and lot of songs in-between  I have to say though that I was somewhat disappointed by the lack of crazy costumes and native singing this year. It was all rather normalish *yeah I invented that word too* Had some friends that watched it for the first time ever, they did not seem very impressed, in fact they got so drunk they had to head home before they even started counting the scores :) Good old crowd. Meantime I have a stalker that is ringing me every 10 minutes. Yep, not so great when you give your mobile number out to the wrong person. So yeah. It has been Saturday, I wonder what the Sunday brings along?

I did have friends that smoke over this evening but even though I had my vivid dream, it did not even occur to me once to go out into the rain with them to have a sig.

I guess that's somethang.

Hockey Fever- Kiekkokuume @ 5 months/kk

It is once again the time to the Ice Hockey world championships and today it is Finland Vs Russia. I am on a high as the current score is in Finland's favor by 3-1. This is pretty orgasmic score for any Finland hockey fan as the neighbour's in red are pretty damn hardcore competition by any standards. Only things that could top beating Russia in any match is beating Sweden, now that is the multiple orgasm kinda stuff (if you are a man we do realise that you might not be aware of the concept, however it does not mean that it does not exist). But as for hockey even the mini orgasm that you get by beating say the likes of USA, Canada or Austria makes me happy, like the Tesco folk say, every little helps :D

On jälleen jääkiekon maailmanestaruus pelien aika ja tänään se on Venäjä vastaan Suomi. On aika korkeat fiilikset koska suomi on johdossa 3-1. Tämä on aika orgasminen maalitilanne siihen nähden että odotin selkäsaunaa. Tosin se ei orgasmisuudellaan kuitenkaan vedä aivan vertoja Ruotsin päihittämiselle joka on taasen omassa luokassaan monikertaisen orgasmin paikka (Jos olet miespuolinen blogin lukija niin voi olla että tämä on sinulle outo käsite, se ei kuitenkaan tarkota sitä että sitä ei olisi olemassa)
Mutta jääkiekossa jopa mini-orgasmi on varsin loistava saavutus ja sellaisen usein saa jos suomi päihittää sanotaanko nyt vaikka USA:n, Kanadan tai Itävallan. Täällä englannissa on supermarketti jonka mainos slogan on 'Kaikki pieni auttaa', koen sen olevan sopiva myös kiekon pelien hurman mitoittamiseen.

While I was on that hockey mode and continued watching the game, Finland did win indeed by 3-2 and it was one of those old fashioned 'on the edge of your seat till the end'  matches, although I would like to refresh that old saying to something more appropriate like 'palms bleeding from fingernail pressing and wiping sweat from the brow with bleeding hand' kind of games after which you look like you are the 3rd rate horror movie star after filming hours at the site where there was no showers on the dressing room.

Tässä välissä olin kiekon hurmoksessa ja suomi todellakin päihitti Venäjän ja matsi oli todellakin vanhanaikaisesti sanoen 'tuolin reunalla' meinigillä ihan loppuun asti. Tosin haluaisin muuttaa tuon vanhanaikaisen englantilaisen sanonnan uudempaan esimerkiksiki: 'Kämmenet verellä kynsien jäljistä ja pyyhkien hikeä otsalta niillä verisillä käsillä' meiningiksi jonka jälkeen näytät 3. luokan pelottavan filmin staralta joka on palkattu niin halvalla että pukuhuoneessa ei ole edes suihkua.

Now I realize that I have a great many people from around the globe reading this blog, should you feel offended by any of the comments, please do remember it is only a game and that I am only like this once a year and I don't mean to be nasty at all. Should you still feel the need to have your say, please feel free to comment with any profanity you feel appropriate to the situation. I might not reply but I will try to feel your pain.

Ymmärrän että blogiani lukee yllättävän laaja yleisö maailmalta joka pitää sisällään esim venäläisiä ja amerikkalaisia ja jos heistä kukaan tuntee että olen loukannut heidön fiiliksiään jollakin kirjoituksellani niin pyydän anteeksi jo etukäteen ja olen tälläinen vain kerran vuodessa eikä tarkoitus ole loukata. Se on vaan peliä ja jos haluat sanoa suusi puhtaaksi asiasta niin voit aina kommentoida mahdollisimman monin kirosanoin blogi kommenteissa. Lupaan koittaa tuntea kipusi jos sattuu että en jaksa vastata.

SOOO...smoking. Yep, it has now been 21 weeks which makes it 5 months without a cigarette. It is quite literally AMAZING that I have got this far. Farthest ever. No aids now for ages, just me. I get urge once a day now. Not much more than that. But when I am out it can be tricky, sometimes it does not bother me at all or like last weekend it bothered me some. It was girls night out and considering that 5 people out of our group of 6 had recently quit smoking, I was the only one who did not have a smoke that night. Was a bit touch and go around midnight when they all huddled around a round table for one and for the first and only time I removed myself out of the occasion as I realised I would otherwise fall. This was pretty wise decision as I got chatted up by someone who wanted to take me out to wine and dine me at a convenient time. So it was worth it, and yes the dinner in fact did happen already last Tuesday and he seems a nice person so there may be a second date at some point. Who knows.

Niin JOOO. Tupakka. 21 viikkoa, 5 kuukautta ilman tupakkaa. Tämä on aivan USKOMATONTA. Enemmän kuin koskaan ennen. Vähän mä oon Rockstar! Ilman mitään apuja tässä vaiheessa, vain minä ja itsetahtoni. Himo iskee kerran päivässä nykyisin. Mutta ei onneksi useammin. Kun olen ulkona niin se voi olla haastavaa, kuten totesin viime viikonloppuna tyttöjen iltana. Meidän 6 porukasta viisi ihmisiä oli lopettanut polttamisen tänä vuonna. Minä olin ainoa tuosta ryhmästä joka ei illan aikana polttanut savuakaan (oon niin ylpee ittestäni ettette uskokkaan, se vaati KAIKEN). Puolenyön aikaan oli hiukan kriittinen tilanne ja jostain syystä hoksasin sen ja pyysin anteeksi ja siirryin sisätiloihin tyttöjen seurasta jotka kaikki polttivat ulkona, Tämä johti siihen että eräs herrasmies juttutti minua kun olin itsekseni ja halusi viedä minut treffeille. Treffit tapahtuivat jo, menimme kiinalaiselle aterialle tällä viikolla ja tutustuimme toisiimme hiukan, voi olla varsin mahdollista että tästä seuraa toiset treffit. Eli joskus jostakin kieltäytyminen johtaa johonkin kivaan asiaan.

As for the rest of the dating stuff, please just don't even get me started, it is a game that I am pretty much starting to give up now as it seems totally pointless exercise going on any dates from the net anyhow.  And that incident from last weekend just proved that yes it is in fact possible to meet someone randomly at a bar and end up having a date with them. One just must make sure that one goes out on girls nights out more often.

Loput näistä treffailu asioista on niin toivottomia että olis taas aika monta tarinaa kerrottavana mutta en edes jaksa masentaa itseäni niillä. Suurin osa on aivan toivottomia tapauksia eikä siinä touhussa ole edes järkee mutta tuo viime viikonlopun tapahtuma todisti mulle sen, että on siis yhä tänä päivänä mahdollista tavata joku ihminen ihan tavallisilla metodeilla eli menemällä tyttöjen kans ulos, Ehkä mun pitää mennä ulos huomattavasti useammin!

Music this evening- Illan musa: The golden 80's (Big in Japan, Forever Young, Manic Mondays, Rock Me Amadeus, Kyrie,Eye of the Tiger, It's a sin, that sort of stuff) followed by a very good dose of Rammstein to balance it all out!
Mood-Mieliala: Upbeat after a nice message that was unexpected- Hyvä arvaamattoman viestin jälkeen
Food: Chilli with new potatoes and triple chocolate muffin for pudding (mwaaaah) Tulista chilliä uusilla perunoilla ja kolmois suklaa muffinssi jälkkäriksi (semmosia ei edes taida olla suomessa...se on suklaa kuolema)
Cigarettes- Tupakkaa: 0
Cigarette related thoughts today- Tupakkaan liittyviä ajatuksia: 1
Fatness factor- Lihavuus mittari: (this is new, it is how fat do I feel on scale of 0-10, eli nollasta kymppiin mun omat fiilikset asiasta)) today that is 7.5 tänään tuon verran. Mjeh. Määh.

Have a fantastic weekend you all! Oikein mahtavan loistavaa viikonloppua teille kaikille

MOT results- Terveystarkastus

Well howdy campers!  How's the thingy called spring going in your neck of the woods? We ain't got one here in the UK. Oh noooo...snow still on ground. I am highly unimpressed to be honest. Hmph.

Haloo Suomi, miten kevät menee siellä? Englannissa on yhä lunta maassa joka on ennenkuulumatonta tähän aikaan vuodesta ja mulle ainakin jo riittäisi.Hmph.

Anyhow, I am 17 weeks down the line. On Sunday this week it will be officially 4 months not smoking.

Joka tapauksessa, ollaan 17 viikkoa lakossa oltu ja ensi sunnuntaina tulee siis virallisesti 4 kuukautta lakossa tällä kertaa täyteen.

We also have the health check results in. When I had my blood pressure taken officially, it was 79/128 which is perfectly fantastical. Then we come to the cholesterol levels and I am quite proud to report that mine was in fact better than my younger paramedic friends....at mere 3.7. SO may I cancel the last announcement about being old and knackered and revise this is 'woman in her prime, well distilled in wine' I think we took my blood pressure at a very wrong time when I was down in London and hence got me worried for no valid reason. I will imagine though that my hard training in the past 6 months has contributed to the great cholesterol levels as I eat very greasy and wine and red meat filled diet for sure and it sure has not made any difference to my weight. So if that is what it has impacted, then I am very happy about that and will somehow drag my ass to the gym yet again. I also made a new achievement at gym this past week. I managed a very high intensity workout for 60 minutes on the elliptical trainer, which exceeds any level of fitness I have ever had in my entire life, EVER. (Kippis! Cheers!)

Viime kirjoituksen jälkeen on saatu myös terveystestin tulokset. Verenpaineet oli 79/128  joka on varsin fanstastinen tulos. Ja sitten kolestroolikin oli vain ja ainoastaan 3.7 joka on vähemmän kuin ambulanssikuski kaverini oma lukema joka oli henkilö joka sai minut murehtimaan koko asiasta alunperin. Joten perun aikaisemman lausuntoni vanhuudestani ja uusi virallinen lausunto on: 'Terve kuin pukki, hyvin viinissä säilytetty' Otimme lienee verenpaineeni edellisellä Lontoon reissulla varsin väärään aikaan ja huolestutin itseni ihan suotta. Voisin kuvitella että kova salilla ravaaminen on auttanut kolestrooliarvoja koska jos rehellisiä ollaan niin syön ihan liikaa rasvaa, punaista lihaa ja juon liikaa viiniä. Mutta jos treenaaminen autaa noinkin paljon niin ehkä saan raahattua itseni salille jälleen jossain välissä tällä viikolla. Treenaamisesta puheenollen, olen aivan tajuttoman tyytyväinen itseeni, jaksoin 60 minuuttia hyvin intensiivistä treeniä elliptical trainerilla joka on enemmän kuin olen koskaan kyennyt missään liikuntalajissa koko elämäni aikana KOSKAAN. (Kippis! Cheers!)

So I am fit as a fiddle, although I am pretty fat, I say fat loosely as I am sure that under few centimeters there has got to be some serious muscle by now, but it is well hidden due to the very nature of my body's ability to take the piss due to me liking to eat scrumptious food instead of inhaling cigarettes.

Eli olen todellakin terve kuin pukki vaikka olenkin hiukan lihava, sanon lihava keveästi koska olen ehdottomasti sitä mieltä että jossakin pari senttiä tämän rasvakerroksen alla on uskomaton lihaksikas SuperBody joka on vain hyvin piilossa kehoni erinomaisen kettuilukyvin ansiosta.

I was on very low dose of Champix for the month of March and then they finished, since then I am finding that my cravings are a lot more prominent, I am eating more and I am depressed. The strange thing is, Champix is supposed to make you depressed, but it worked as anti-depressant on me. I have many exciting things happening in my life right now like starting a completely new job role on HR department this week and amazing holiday soon coming up and fantastic friends keeping me busy and yet, first time in years I just feel most nights like I wanna cry myself to sleep feeling incredibly alone. This is not really normal for me, after all I have been on my own for most of  past nearly 7 years so I should be used to it. So I blame post Champix blues. I could be wrong though. I think I need to go and see my group, I haven't been to the group meetings for the past 5 weeks I think. I really should.

Maaliskuu meni hyvin pienellä annoksella Champixia, itseasiassa sain 2 viimeisen viikon kuurin riittämään 5 viikkoa, mutta nyt kun ne ovat loppuneet kaipaan tupakkaa jälleeen vahvemmin, syön enemmän ja olen masentunut. Kumma juttu tässä on se että Champixin pitäisi aiheuttaa masennusta sivuoireena joissakin tapauksissa, mutta minulla se on toiminut täysin päinvastoin. Elämässä on meneillään paljon jännää ja ihmeellistä kuten tällä viikolla uusi aloittamani työ Human Resources osastolla ja pian tuleva Kroatian loma ja ystävät ja tapahtumat pitävät kaleneteria mukavasti elossa mutta josakin syystä viime viikot joka ilta melkeen haluan vain itkeä itseni uneen tuntien oloni yksinäiseksi. Tämä on aika epätavallista sillä olenhan ollut sinkku/yksinäinen kohta melkeen 7 vuotta joten se ei ole uutta, oma masentuminen vain on joten olen tullut siihen tulokseen että se on Champiksin and tupakanlopettamisen jälkimaininkeja. Tai sitten kevätmasennusta. Oli mitä tahansa, kai siihen keinot keksitään. Ehkä on aika mennä taas ryhmäkokoukseen, en ole käynyt 5 viikkoon.Josko ne saisi mun olon piristymään.

I should also make more of an effort to keep in touch with all the cool people in my life circles and I am first to admit that I have been hermiting for a long time. So if you know me, please do get in touch and shake me to do something with you, as chances are, I am really missing you and just can't seem to get my finger out of my bum, to sort a meeting. If you don't know me, share me with people you know and write a comment to let me know you are reading for whatever reason.

I need human contact!

Minun tulisi ottaa itseäni niskasta kiinni ja yrittää pitää enemmän yhteyttä ihmisiin ja on pakko myöntää että olen ollut erittäin laiska asian suhteen. Joten jos tunnet minut, haastan sinut ottamaan yhteyttä jotta saan itseni taas hereille ja tehään jotain yhdessä jossakin muodossa, vaikka vain kuulumisten vaihtoa jos muuta ei pysty tällä hetkellä, koska todellisuus todenäköisesti on se että minulla on ikävä sinua ja en vain ole saanut aikaiseksi olla yhteydessä. Jos et tunne minua, jaa blogini ja laita kommentti että luet, syystä tahi toisesta.

Kaipaan ihmiskontaktia!

Another day in paradise

Wow. 11 weeks and a bit has passed since the Pre-Xmas quit day. I have had  couple of mishabs but nothing worth really making a fuss over in that time so I am doing pretty good this time around.
I am not moody or stressed, in fact I am mostly far too chilled out, nothing seems to get to me very much.
I am tired a lot and drink far too much wine, have put some weight on now as my motivation for the gym seems to be on the decline and my eating is still in rather monumental state that my family would be proud of. But I kinda don't care right this moment in time. Or am rather chilled out about it? Life is too short to worry. I will sort it out when I am in the right frame of mind and that's that. If I have the energy.

Wau. 11 viikkoa on kulunut joulunalla kiprsitellyistä lakon alkuajoista. Muutama pieni sivuaskel on kuulunut niihin 11 viikkoon mutta ei mitenkään traagisen pahasti joten tällä kertaa edistys vaikuttaa hyvältä. Mielialat eivät ailahtele enkä ole stressaantunut, olen oikeastaan pääasiallisesti Rento-Reiska kokoajan. Väsymystä kyllä on, ja juon liikaa viiniä ja painokin on päässyt hiukan nousemaan koska kuntosali motiviaatio on hiukan hukassa ollut viimeiset pari viikkoa ja syöminen taas sujuu vielä sukumme geenien tuomalla lahjakkuudella varsin sutjakkaasti, ihan kuin meidät olisi luotu syömään :) Mutta  en juuri tunnu välittävän mitään asiasta juuri tällä hetkellä, Rento kun on. Josko asialle tehdään sitten joskus myöhemmin jotain. Jos jaksetaan :)

Other news is, well it is official. I am old. Why I hear you cry...what happened... I just met with my paramedic buddy who has confirmed that I have high blood pressure. Seems these days every time I go see her I come back with new ailment! Her concern caused me to find out that I had UARS which caused me to have nose surgery and mouth guard (which Poppy has recently eaten by the way) few years back. So I today promptly booked myself to see the nurse to get the blood pressure check and also colesterole level, I have NEVER had that checked in my entire life. So I am assuming that by end of this week I will have to make a total lifestyle change once I get told that if I don't I will simply die or something. Maybe I should pop in and have a Bic Mac before then? On a more serious note, I recon it is due to me being overweight due to this non-smoking malarky saga that has been ongoing for last 2 years, so one gotta think I am heading in the right direction anyhow with one bad habit down, only FEW more to go...Mjäh.

Muita uutisia,, noh se on nyt virallista, minusta on tullut vanha. Mitä, milloin....kuinka...kuulen suuren ihmettelynne... Tapasin ensihoitaja kaveriani viikonloppuna ja keskustelu siirtyi verenpaineeseen syystä taho toisesta ja hän päätti mitata paineeni ja kuulkaa se on nyt sillälailla että sehän oli aikasta korkealla. Näinä päivinä vaikuttaa siltä että aina kun käyn hänen luonaan Lontoossa kylässä niin diagnoidaan mulle uusi tauti :D
 Pari vuotta sitten hänen ansiostaan menin unispesialistille ja minulla todettiin UARS joka johti nenäleikkaukseen ja suupalikan tekemiseen (jonka Poppy muuten hiljattain söi). Joten tänään kilttinä tyttönä soitin hoitsulle ajan jotta mitataan paineet uusiksi ja otetaan ne kolestrooli arvot samalla kun mulla ei IKINÄ koskaan ole niitä mitattu. Joten olettaisin että loppuviikkoon mennessä oletettavasti tarvitsen täyden elämäntapamuutoksen tai muuten kuolen tai jotain. Täytynee käydä syömässä Big Mac ennen torstaita Mäkkärissä?  No ehkä se kuitenkin on niinkin simppeliä että paineet on nouseet painon noustessa joka on johtunut tästä kaksivuotisesta tupakanlopettamis-saagasta ja että ehkä tää on kuitenkin parempi että on yksi huono tapa josta ollaan kohta irti, eikä oo kun ihan MUUTAMA lisää jotka sitten voi hoidella seuraavaksi...Mjooh.

I leave you with few of the last weeks sunsets, happened to be out walking the dogs at the right time...
Jätän teidät tällä kertaa viimeisen viikon aikana otetuilla auringonlaskuilla, satuin olemaan oikeaan aikaan koirien kanssa lenkillä...

Life-Elämä. WTF?

It is so very strange to have empty house again. Sister moved out yesterday morning. In one way it is fab to have the house to myself, I can walk out of the shower naked and go to the toilet in the middle of the night naked too. But the thing is when you get used to having people in your house all the time, it is very hard to get used to the quiet once they go. I could now have a cigarette whenever I wanted and nobody would know. Today I choose not to though. I already had someone come and view the room tonight. He never stopped talking from the moment he walked in until he left. And then said he would not need a place for another month or two yet. He never asked me a single question about me , which is generally useful to see if you might work as housemates or about the house, deposit, what rules there are , what is minimum contract or such like. So I think it is safe to say he is not moving in and if he did he would drive me nuts within 45 minutes. I do have someone else coming to see the place and a friend who might like a room for few months so for now I am keeping my options open and getting used to the silence.

On todella outoa kun talo on taas tyhjä. Sisko muutti eilen aamulla poikaystävän kanssa Leedsiin. Tavallaan se on hienoa hetken aikaa kun saakin talon takaisin itselleen, voi mennä ja tulla suihkusta tai vessasta alasti mihin aikaan päivästä tahansa, mutta toisaalta on tosi vaikeaa tottua hiljaisuuteen sen jälkeen. Nyt minä voisin mennä tupakalle millon vaan ja kukaan ei olis vahtimassa. Mutta tänään en kuitenkaan aio. Olen yhä tupakoija joka valitsee vain yhden päivän kerrallaan olla savuton. Vieläkin tuntee luissaan että on tupakoija joka on vain ollut hetken lakossa. Tänä iltana kävi jo ensimmäinen ihminen katsomassa huonetta joka on vuokralla. Se mies ei lopettanut puhumista siitä hetkestä kun se astui sisälle niin kunnes se lähti, ja sitten ovesta mennessää tuumasi että ei hän kuitenkaan tarvisi huonetta vielä kuukauteen pariin. Hän ei kysynyt ainuttakaan kysymystä minusta jotta olisi voinut päätellä että sovittaisiko kämppiksiksi tai itse talosta, vuokrasta, sopimusajasta, takuumaksusta sun muista niin voimme päätellä että hänestä ei tule uutta vuokralaista. Jos tulisi niin se ajaisi mut hulluksi alta 45 minuutin. Onneksi on joku muu tulossa vielä tällä viikolla katsomaan huonetta ja kaveri Tanskasta miettii tulisiko kylään pariksi kuukaudeksi. Joten jatketaan harjoituksia ja nautitaan hiljaisuudesta vielä hetki.

I have been feeling a bit out of sorts because of something else too. Someone quite important and special to me is very, very ill and has been in hospital for 5 weeks and has lost the use of his legs and is battling very severe form of cancer. I only found out Sunday and it has totally thrown me off balance. I don't know what to think or feel. There is so much connected to this that there is much decisions to be made and things to do, but those can wait. For now I am spending lot of time sending healing in form of FreewaCER therapy and Reiki and love and hope that I will get a chance to see this person very soon as he is a little ways away. What has thrown me the most is this persons unbelievable words and attitude on the phone. He is quite literally brimming love and happiness and positivity after 5 major surgeries and chemotherapy. I am at loss what I should do and say and how to react. This also is now 2nd person in just few months who has touched my life recently that is suffering from cancer and I really hope I could do something. anything, to help. I also found out in the past 2 weeks that my auntie has gone through severe health scare and major surgery too. She is such a lovely person and I had the great privilege re-acquaint myself with her after so many years last summer and had such a great time in her and her husbands company and I just hope she is on the mend and that I get to see her soon again.

Mulla on ollut vähän pallo hukassa viime päivät muustakin syystä. Henkilö joka on tärkeä ja lähellä sydäntäni on hyvin, hyvin sairas ja on ollut sairaalassa viimeiset 5 viikkoa ja on mennettänyt kykynsä kävellä ja sairastaa hyvin vaikeaa selkärangansyöpää. Viiden vakavan leikkauksen jälkeen hän on menettänyt tunnon alavartalosta. Itse sain uutiset vasta Sunnuntaina ja se on jotenkin heittänyt minut ihan epätasapainoon. En tiedä mitä pitäisi ajatella tai tehdä. Asiaan liittyy myös paljon muuta ja olisi päätösten tekemisen aika ja asioiden uudelleen miettimisen aika mutta ne saavat odottaa, juuri nyt en osaa tehdä muuta kuin lähettää FreewayCER ja Reiki hoitoa hänelle ja toivon että pääsen hänen ja vaimonsa luokseen käymään mahdollisimman pian vaikka he asuvatkin hiukan matkan päässä. Uskomattomin asia tässä on se että tämä henkilö ihan ylitse suorastaan kuohuu rakkautta, onnellisuutta ja postiivisuutta samoon kuin toinen tuntemani uskomaton ihminen joka käy samaa prosessia läpi. Toivoisin vain niin kovasti että olisi jotakin jota voisn tehdä auttaakseni, mutta olen hukassa että mitä? Sain myös hiljattain uutisia että tätini on ollut hyvin sairas ja joutunut vakavaan leikkaukseen myös. Hän on niin ihana, pirteä ihminen ja minulla oli etuoikeus tavata häntä ja hänen aviomiestään viime kesänä ja tutustua uudelleen monen vuoden jälkeen ja toivon syvältä sydämmestäni että hän tervehtyy pian ja että näen hänetkin uudelleen pian.

All this is making me think more and more how silly we are as people, we focus on the negative things that happen and moan and bitch about stuff that really is just part of life, rather than taking it for the unreal, amazing ride that it truly is with all the ups and downs in its stride. We forget to be thankful, we focus more in being resentful, jealous, depressed, tired, annoyed, angry and ungrateful. And by doing that we invite even more of those things into our lives by truckloads. I have tried so very hard to stay positive about things but when you are quitting smoking, things get to you somewhat and it has been one battle after another, sometimes number of times per hour just to try and stay at least neutral in your own mind of not quite reaching sunshine, instead of negative. But considering all the things that are going on, have been going on and the things that are, have and will be going wrong, I will try and stay happy. Life is damn short. So let's appreciate and live it. Positively!

Kaikki tämä on saanut minut ajattelemaan yhä enemmän sitä että kuinka typeriä me ihmiset joskus olemme, keskitymme negatiivisiin tapahtumiin ja valitamme ja päivittelemme niitä päivät pitkät vaikka ne negatiiviset ovat vain osa elämää kuten ne positiivisetkin asiat ja osa kokonaisuutta joka on elämän uskomaton vuoristorata. Unohdamme olla kiitollisia, keskitymme enemmän olemaan onnettomia, kiittämättömiä, mustasukkaisia, kateellisia, väsyneitä, tympääntyneitä, masentuneita, vihaisia, vittuuntuneita ja loukkaantuneita. Ja näin tekemällä tilaamme elämäämme vain lisää samoja asioita rekkakaupalla. Omalla kohdallani olen yrittänyt kaikkeni pysyäkseni positiivisena, mutta tupakkalakossa se ei aina ole helppoa ja jos ei onnistu olla positiivinen niin jopa neutraali on parempi kuin negatiivinen, mutta sekin haasteellista joskus kun asiat muka ottavat päälle ihan tosissaan. Mutta kaikesta meneillään olevasta , tulevasta, meneistä, vaikeista asioista ja ongelmista huolimatta yritän parhaani pitää lipun korkealla. Elämä on hemmetin lyhyt. Arvostakaamme ja eläkäämme siis sitä.

Thats all for today folks!

Eipä muuta tällä kertaa!

Yours truly, madly, positively, neutrally...

deeply.

The Miia

PS. More on the Champix dreams next time!

Two Lingual -Kahdella kielellä

Friend of mine started to write her Finnish blog in English also, so I thought I would do the same just other way round!

Kaverini päätti jatkaa bloginsa kirjoittamista kahdella kielellä, niinpä päätin ottaa siitä mallia ja kokeilla samaa.

Smokefree: 7 weeks 4 days 21 hours (not that I am counting)
Lakossa: 7 viikkoa 4 päivää 21 tuntia (ei sillä että laskisin)

That is the score to date, I can not believe I am closing in on 2 month mark again! Fantastic. I still get the occasional craving, sometimes really strongly even but not too brutal and not that often, less than once a day now. And this time I have not had any added nicotine from any form. Maybe, just maybe this time I can stick this out.

Siinäpä tämän hetken saldo, uskomatonta että alkaa taas kahden kuukauden etappi häämöttää edessä. Mahtavaa. Vieläkin ajoittain tekee mieli tupakkaa, joskus todella vahvasti vaikka ei aivan yhtä raivokkaasti kun alussa, mutta nyt se vain tapahtuu huomattavasti harvemmin, kerran päivässä parissa. Ja tällä kertaa en ole huijannut millään nikotiini purkalla tai sähkötupakalla niinkuin viimeksi. Ehkä, josko, mahdollisesti tällä kertaa tässä onnistusikin.

Other than that I am still cursed with a leaking house, yesterday it was one of the boiler pipes as the boiler seems to be broken too, over pressurising the system and knocking itself off. After leaking bathroom, diswasher pipe and washing machine I am sick to death of it all. So far all this has resulted in totally new flooring, kitchen has just been plastered and next is the painting operation, that is when I have money for it as I am sure the boilerman will give me a nice bill tomorrow when he completes his repair. Needless to say I had to buy new washing machine too. All this has happened  after I quit smoking. Hence it makes me a superstar quit person since it has been lot of crap to deal with in short period of time. Someone else would have been licking an ashtray by now.

Muita uutisia on viimeisimpinä jälleen uusi vesivuoto tässä mun linnassa, eilen alkoi yksi boilerin liitoksista vuotaa vettä ja myös boileri tietysti on rikki eikä halua pitää meitä lämpinä vaan vetää ylipaineelle ja jatkuvasti pois päältä, ja ylipaine sitten tuotti tuon uusimman vuodonkin.. Tämä tietenkin ensin astianpesukoneen putken vuodon jälkeen, suihkun vuodon jälkeen, normi pesukoneen vuodon jälkeen. Kaikista näistä vuodoista johtuen joutui koko alakerran lattian laittaa uusiksi, kun nyt ensin puhaltmet posotti kuukauden, seinät on keittiössä juuri plasteroitu ja seuraavaksi saa alkaa maalaamis operaation, jos siis on rahaa jäljellä kun boileri mies huomenna esittää laskunsa joka pitää tietenkin maksaa samana päivänä. Niin ja uusi pesukone piti tietysti ostaa kans Aika paljon stressiä on viimeiseen 7 viikkoon sopinut joten mun täytyy olla superstar tupakkalakkolainen, heikot olis ollut jo nuolemassa tuhkakuppia moneen kertaan.

We are having some real strange weather, hail beating the windows with high winds and thunder at the moment, been watching some spectacular lightning this evening, I always thought you only get lightning in hot weather and I think it is round -1c out there right now and they predict 15cm snow, bring it on I say! I have plenty of woolly socks, fleeces and 2 dogs to use as waterbottles even if the boiler is having a stress burnout.

Täällä on aika kummallinen ilma tällä hetkellä, rakeita hakkaa ikkunaan sivuttain myrskytuulessa ja salamoi ja ukkonen paukkuu. Jostain syystä mä aina kuvittelin että ukkosta tulee vain lämpimällä ilmalla mutta tuolla on pakkasen puolella. Lunta lupaa yön aikana taas 15cm, antaa tulla vaan! Onhan täällä villasukkia ja fleecejä päälle ja kaks koiraa lämminvesipulloiksi viereen vaikka boilerilla onkin joku stressi burnout.

On the excersise front I was so damn pleased with myself yesterday at the gym. I started doing my usual 20 minute Super 8 interval training on the cross trainer and after 20 minutes I wondered if I should just carry on to 30 minutes. Then I hit that and wondered if I could keep going up to 40 minutes. I got there and still felt I had bit more energy so wondered if I could actually make an hour. I could not as I ran out of steam at 50 minutes but that is so amazing. When I went to gym in September I could only do 5 minutes on the crosstrainer as it was just too hard for me, on level 0 and then had to move on to do little bit of bike instead as it was easier. Now I did that 50 minutes with level 8-10 all the way through with pulse around 150. My god I felt amazing! Like I had climbed Mount Everest in record time. So I must have been doing something right. Although I still weight precisely the same as I did in September or any month after that.

Treenaamisen suhteen olin eilen niin uskomattoman tyytväinen itseeni että en meinannu nahoissani pysyä. aloitin tekemään normaalia 20 minnuutin Super 8 intervalli treeniä ja sitten tuumasin että josko sitä kokeilis mennä 30 minuuttia. Se meni ja sitten mietin että jaksaiskohan sitä 40 minuuttia, ja jaksoi. Sitten mietin että voiskohan sitä oikeasti jaksaa tunnin. en ihan kyenny siihen, 50 minuutin kohdalla piti lopettaa mutta se oli silti ihan uskomaton saavutus meikäläiselle. Syyskuussa kun aloitin salin eka kertaa taas aikoihin niin jaksoin 5 minuuttia tuossa masiinassa nolla tasolla, sen jälkeen piti vaihtaa pyörään joka oli helpompi ja nyt tein tuon 50 minuuttia tasolla 8-10 pulssi noin 140-160 koko ajan. Hyvät hyssykät kun oli voittajafiilis! Ihan kuin olisi kiivennyt Mount Everestille huippu ajassa. eli ei se viime kuukausien hikoilu ole mennyt ihan hukkaan, vaikka painankin just ja tasan saman verran kun syyskuussa tai lakon ensimmäisenä päivänä.

Man, days just go too fast, time for bed. Keep it real folks. I'll be back!

Oho, päivä taas pulkassa, aika mennä nukkumaan. Olkaahan ihmisiksi ja palataan asiaan!

Let it snow!

I have the first snowday at home for years, it snowed about 20cm last night but being a trooper out I went and although it took me half hour to get off my road, I managed to get going, just to be called by my boss to say not to bother as most people weren't going to get in. So I turned around, went back to bed for couple of hours and then decided to update the blog whilst sipping my 3rd cup of coffee.

I love snowdays! I think I will be heading out with the dogs soon to go and play a bit in it! It is funny that even though I am from Finland and have seen plenty of snow in my life, it still cheers me up seeing loads of the white stuff.  It would be unheard of in Finland not to get to work due to it of course, but I am in England and here it just brings things to a halt. Today since I am not stuck in traffic in it, I really don't mind!

It was five weeks since I quit smoking now. I still struggle, like this morning could really have done with a cig. It tends to be once or twice a day now that it crosses my mind. I am now wondering if that will be the case for the rest of my life. I sure hope not.

Other than that there is not much interesting going on, life seems to roll from one day to another, I am loving having my sister around but she will soon be moving out and I will be seeing much less of her,but at least she will be in the same country which is a bonus.  I will be looking for yet another lodger.

I am thinking about deleting all my online dating details, I am fed up with it all so that might be the right direction to go, forget about finding anyone. If it is meant to happen, I am sure it will in some other way.

It is now evening...I still want a cigarette. But I am not going to have one today.

Hope you all have a great week!

Ta Taa!

Quit version 4.28- Yes I am still here and doing it!

Well well well. Sorry my dearest, I have been somewhat occupied, what with life and stuff and not having anything intelligent nor insulting or entertaining to say.


I am still alive. Today is day Day 28 of The serious quit attempt version 4.0.
My god, I had to count that...like in calendar as I had no idea where I am. Just feels like I have been quitting for ever and ever and I am thoroughly fed up with it all.

Just want rid of the damn thing now for good.

So last post was Day 5 and since then...well we had Xmas and there was minor hick-up then when I had a cigarette or two, unbeknown to anyone or not...few people know, most don't but probably figured it out from the smell and I just think they don't know. Anyhow, since then not a puff. I have not had any nicorette gums either. I have used the e-cig only few times. mostly in the first 2 weeks but last 2 weeks we have gone with one fill-up of the tank which is equalent to couple fo fags...so not much. None today at all. I want to be rid of nicotine in my system this time before the Champix runs out. Since Day 4.05 I have been dumped, rather unceremoniously too in the fashion of...ooh, I won't answer my phone or messages and she will figure it out stylee and  also since then have had a couple fo dates with someone new and I think I managed to screw that up too. Takes special talent, I'd say!

Is it easier quitting 4th time around? In some ways yes...you just grind your teeth and get on with it, afterall youre kinda used to wanting something all the time now. I don't have the rage in me I had the first time around all the time, this time it is just occasional. Some ways  No..I miss cigarettes, I wonder all the time if I have upset, irritated or driven away people I care about. I brood and drink far too much and eat of course. Dating wise I am actually starting to wonder if the fact that I can't get a bloke in a serious relationship sense is down to the fact that I am down right miserable nicotine starved bitch and have been for last 2 years and I either drive them away or is it that I am just old, fat and boring woman that bores them within few dates. Or I am so fussy that I want a prince on a  stick with gold spoon in his pretty mouth and that is why I turn all the good guys away and just end up dating total asswipes.
I recon in reality...it is all of the above.

More likely it is because I am a bitch spinster from hell even when I smoke, afterall I did manage to smoke and be single for 4 years prior the first quit attempt.


Is it easier...no again, I am sick and tired of having the post quit sweats. I have spoken about this before. I am hot and sweaty all the time and it is really so annoying that I have officially decided I will not be joining menopause at all. What with the hot flushes and shit...after all this quitting smoking, that will make me start again!

It was -2c outside this morning at 7am and I was in skirt and pantyhose walking the dogs, with the jacket open and still feeling too warm! Honestly that is not normal!!

Maybe I have got menopause already?

Nobody in the world, like ever, said that they were sweating a lot after they quit. Or that they were feeling very warm, which is a nice a charming way of saying it , rather than me talking about stinking sweat. Am I alone here? Someone please tell me this is just a passing phase and that this is in fact something to do with quitting smoking. I don't wanna be menopausal yet. I am not ready...it would confirm spinsterhood!

New things to report this quit attempt around is that I am smoking, in my dreams. I have now had number of dreams where I wake up feeling awfull that I failed again cause I have had a cigarette in my dream. That never happened before. I am kind of hoping that it might be because my unconscious mind is now finally dealing with this quitting business like I might mean it for real. They say it takes unconscious mind 3 times of repeating something until it believes it to be true. Maybe in case of quitting smoking it was four. This time it might just be that all levels of my being are working on this final attempt.

I also had the strangest moment one evening, suddenly my mouth filled in matter of nanosecond with a smoke flavour and breath. I can not quite explain it, it was as if the ghost of smoking was leaving the body and wanted to give that last caress in it's wake. Totally strange occurence. And I am very melodramatic and far too into metaphysical but that is me, take it or leave it. It was weird whatever was going on.
And it tasted so real as if I had just gone outside and had a cigarette.

Other than that, new job and I have to learn everything from scratch, something I have never done before and it has been quite challenging but also very interesting for the past few weeks. Time will tell how I get on, I am hoping well.

Gym, well I am training my little ass off doing Super 8 interval training combined with whole body weights after and I am giving my damn everything to it. I am not loosing any weight but I am not gaining any right now either.

How long I can keep this up with no reward is a mystery to me, one would like to see some improvement to one way or another, but so far all I can say is that I feel every muscle in my body as I swagger around but it is still to me the same body with the same flab and wobbly bits. Who knows why I am doing this and what will come of it if anything but I am sure leaving lot of aggression at the pure gym after each visit, and I come out feeling better and happy.

So there you go my loveliest readers, extra long post for you....took me all evening to bleed all this out. Might be a while before the next one so take care and do say hello x Nitey Night!

Day 5 -Rollercoaster Life

I am alive, and have not had a cigarette for five days. That's about as much as I can say really.

I keep having really annoying things happen but that has not broken me yet. Like breaking the screen on my mobile on Friday and then finding out it would cost £150 to repair as this particular model, you can't just change the glass, but the whole 3 levels of LCD and amoled and glass. Or like today when I found out that my first paycheck from my new job will be 6 weeks from now and somehow I need to celebrate Xmas with half months wage that won't even pay all the bills for this month, never mind Xmas food or fun. Or things like eating some food or buying fuel to get to work in the month of January.Or the washing machine leaking from somewhere inside and really should be replaced before I get the new floor fitted this week, which of course is impossibility if you refer back to the above. Or me being a numpty and cutting a toenail too short and bleeding all over a cream rug.

However, all is not doom and gloom. Yesterday we had a lovely walk at Ogden water with my sister and her boyfriend and the dogs, followed by a very nice pub meal in a true gem of a place that we just discovered. And my meal was paid for (Thank you!!) Saturday was pretty good day too, got my laminate bought for the floor, with the price of the kitchen for both rooms, living room and kitchen. Have a chap coming to get started with it Wednesday, which means I will have a floor before our visitors from Finland arrive on Friday. I also now have a leak free bathroom, thanks to my sisters boyfriends days of tinkering with it and doing it like it should have been done in the first place. (Thank you!!!)

I also decided to give whole bunch of grief to my insurance company who in their infinite wisdom decided that they would delay things for me (water damage, no floor issue for those who don't know) and ask for yet another quote and thus delay the new floor until new year and on the phone I went. Somehow, even though nicotine deprived, I did not shout or scream or demand to speak to the manager but I gave little old Richard on the end of the phone run for his money and pointed out very clearly their errors and after him going away for few minutes to think about me, my arguments and reasoning's, he met me half way and agreed a sum majority of the repair and arranged to raise a cheque for it. Hence I was able to get things organised to ensure they get done for Xmas. This happened on day 2 and if this had been the first or second attempt to quit smoking and the same situation came along, I would have probably first screamed red faced and then thrown my phone at the wall or window, and promptly walked to the shop and bought some cigs. So not bad going really for a Day 2.

I started my new job today. Good news is that nobody in my new team smokes. I know as I have superhuman sense of smell again for the next few weeks. In fact I recon for a big place like it is, I only smelled smoke on 1 person today which is pretty damn impressive. Of course there is more than that but at least I won't be smelling the temptation very often. I have read every single thing about every procedure and policy and rule and thing that they ever came up with, I have also studied fire safety, manual handling and economical working positions today and taken a test on all three and passed of course. (can't help being awesome...pmsl) They expected me to take day and a half doing this, so when I popped in and announced that I had done it all, read it all, some jaws dropped. One reads very fast when when one likes reading on ones free time.  Now we are back to the downfalls of superhuman sense of smell, like the bad breaths, sweat and farts. I smell all of them and I am convinced that I stink, today although I had sprayed myself with half bottle of deodorant and other half bottle of perfume, I am sure everyone within 5 metre radius could smell my sweat. Sweat of the stress of a new job and environment and the day five of 4000 chemicals pouring out of my pores trying to escape my body that is desperately trying to clean itself up yet again.

Anyhow this has been one really stupid crazy month in every single way. Like a roller coaster ride that you don't know if you liked or not, but it sure took up a whole lot of your adrenaline.

They call it life.


There is a saying....Life is like a roller coaster, it has it's ups and downs but it is up to you if you scream or enjoy the ride.

I am really, really, really trying to enjoy the ride.

Right now I could murder for a cigarette, but in word of Michael from the smokers group...I am a smoker, but I choose not to have one today.

I have made many bad choices in my life, this time, for once I am trying to make the right choice one last time.

Have a great week ya all that happen to be reading x

Day 3 - Dejavu of a Dejavu

Well I have been too busy to blog the normally agonising days 1 and 2. They have been somewhat bearable altho of course I am craving all the time. I wonder if it is because I am starting to be a veteran at this, this is the 4th serious attempt and last. (Amen)

I have had to use the electric cig a littlebit and aim to wean myself of that in the coming weeks too. This morning I feel fantastic. Went and walked the dogs, went to yoga, did 20 mins of cardio after and it all felt so much easier than last weekend when I quite literally wanted to die after 5 minutes on the crosstrainer. My chest feels lighter, my cough that I developed is easing, so many benefits in just over 2 days. It is crazy really.

I feel like I could do a session of Flashdance next :)

Sun is shining, it is the weekend and I feel happy.

Bet you lot thought I was gonna moan and bitch as per usual. Haha! Sorry to disapoint.

I am starting a new job Monday so maybe there may be some stress coming along next week, I am also getting my kitchen and living room floor done next week so that could be another stress but all and all, right this moment in time I feel fab.

We went to see the Hobbit yesterday and it was this HFR thingy, meaning higer frame rate, normal film has 24 pictures per second, HFR has 48, it was also 3D and on the extreme size screen, it was unbelievable how real it was, you really were in the film for sure, total feast for the eyes. As it happened, the film had couple of clitches that lasted few seconds, so due to that we all got given 2 free VIP tickets to any film on any screen at anytime.
Super bonus! I imagine with it being the first film to hit cinemas with this technology they are having few issues with it, but I am sure those will soon be ironed out. But totally recommend watching it as film was good and if you have the opportunity to watch it is hfr 3d format, go for it, worth the extra money for sure for something spectacular.

Other than that I will be off to buy me 18 packs of laminate and some underlay and make some homemade pizza and have a cheeky glass of wine later.

The Night before....

The night before....

Feeling all sorts of things to be honest, finished in my old job today and the workmates gave me a bunch of lovely presents, flowers and a card, had a really busy time with breakdowns and feel somewhat sorry for the remaining team as they will have their work cut out for them. Feel relieved as the job was very stressful but also wonder what new job will bring along and feel passing sadness for the times at Atlas Cranes, made some friends, made some enemies and worked my ass off. Lately it just wasn't appreciated so much so it was time to move on.

In the morning looms the 1st day ahead again. It will be sweat and tears for sure and now that some last minute changes to tomorrows plans came along I just need to think of ways to keep myself occupied.

So far here is the to do list>

1. Go to the tip
2. Go to supermarket for weekly shop
3. Dog shop for chewies
4. Non smokers meeting
5. Drive to Stockport
6. See the hubby on trial for first time in a week
7. Walk doggies

If I can just think of another 30 things to slot in there I will be fine :)

This evening is mainly been spent by socialising with sister , writing this blog and listening to my fav play list on spotify sipping some damn mighty fine savignon blanc from Marlborough (no pun intended it is just the best savignon you can get) courtesy of my good ol work mates.

The playlist for those who may have an interest:
The entire cd of 'Have a metal Xmas'
and then...
Nirvana – In Bloom
Jimmy Eat World – The Middle
The Soup Dragons – I'm Free
Fall Out Boy – This Ain't A Scene, It's An Arms Race
The Offspring – Why Don't You Get A Job?
Nirvana – Smells Like Teen Spirit
Catatonia – Mulder And Scully
001. Scorpions – Raised On Rock
002. Bon Jovi – Superman Tonight
3 Doors Down – Kryptonite
3 Doors Down – Time Of My Life
3 Doors Down – When You're Young
3 Doors Down – Round And Round
10cc – Wall Street Shuffle
069. Shawn Fisher渀 – Open Your Eyes
172. Kid Rock礀 – All Summer Long
181. Apocalyptica & Adam Gontier Of Three Days Grace漀 – I Don't Care (Brauer Mix)
Alter Bridge – Breathe Again
Rains – Liar
Rains – Hate
Rains – Fake
Rains – Five Minutes
Rains – Look In My Eyes
Rains – Tearing Us Apart
Rains – American Dream (The Story of David)
Rains – Pressure
Rains – Right Or Wrong
Rains – Hurricane
Rains – Wait
Rains – Something New
The 69 Eyes – DANCE D´AMOUR
Vince Neil – Tattoos & Tequila
Vince Neil – Long Cool Woman
Vince Neil – Viva Las Vegas
Vince Neil – Bitch Is Back
Van Halen – Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Love
Slipknot – Vermilion Pt. 2
Hollywood Undead – Everywhere I Go
The Killers – Somebody Told Me
Limp Bizkit – Rollin' (Air Raid Vehicle)
The Offspring – You're Gonna Go Far, Kid - Explicit Album Version
Nirvana – Lithium
Smash Mouth – All Star
Ten – Centre Of My Universe
Ten – Stormwarning
Volbeat – 7 Shots
Volbeat – 16 Dollars
Guano Apes – Big In Japan

As I have such a great taste, all of those are obviously awsome to say the least. Ahem. Next time I might have a soft moment and list all the really soft and recent pop lists I have. So yes. I am not only rock chick, I spread my wings and listen to latin, pop, country and even classical *mainly when I am reading I might add.

So yeah, on to the challenge of tomorrow.

Wish me luck.

Few really cheesy jokes to end this fantastically important and down to the point blog post>

What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?

Slow down and use a lubricant.

(Do please make a little gold clap everyone!)

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

Good night folks. I am going for one last cig.

The End. (This time pun intended)

Final Frontier

I did fail totally yet again. I have been smoking for the past month. Maybe not as much as before but about 10 a day. And that's as bad as 20 a day.

I went to gym today after a break of 1.5 weeks of that due to just been too busy and I almost died. The difference is amazing, my chest is tight, I struggle for enough oxygen and feel really out of shape. I have also had a cold looming making me feel tired and ratty.

I have decided that I will try quit again, one last time. If I fail then i might as well stay a smoker. It is too hard to keep doing this to myself.

So I tucked my tail between my legs and went back to to see the non smoking advisors looking very sheepish. I explained to them how annoyed I was, how easy it was just to slip back after that one smoke. now if i was them i would have shaken my head and tutted a lot with my arms crossed on my chest, but they didn't. One of the ladies said 'well you don't seem like a happy smoker and thats why you are back' and that I should try again. One last time.

So back on Champix *sigh* and this time adamant that I will not have any nicotine aids on the side, as maybe that has been my downfall. We will see how it goes. I am getting to the point where I dont really have much umph left for anything but i will give it one mo9re damn good go and then thats bloody well it.

Ramblings

I am just about to set off on yet another online date. This one is dinner so if he is really horrible at least I will get fed. On downside I will have to listen to him for an hour or two. That is perhaps why god created wine?

I have noticed this sweat think returning, it is day 3 after my BAD BAD behaviour and smoking with gay abandon for 10 days and deciding that I am the worlds largest idiot and quitting again. I am so warm it is crazy. I can see me turning up on this date and having one of those moments when sweat is quite literally dripping into my eyes. Especially if I eat something hot and spicy. That is very likely too since I love hot chillis and the like.  Memo to self> Go and spray the entire deodorant bottle all over body before calling the taxi.

Oh and something that really is winding me up as well is that nobody who visits comments at all. Would be so nice to hear from you, YES YOU! As I know people do come across my pointless ramblings cause I can see it in my stats. And would be nice if someone did share the post once in a while too. So since nobody is I am wondering if there is any point to this verbal vomit at all. Maybe I should have just written private diary. Maybe I will do that about the upmteen online dates. Mind you that would be such a depressing diary that I would probably end up burning it at full moon dancing naked on top of a Halifax hill.

I have now come to the conclusion that quitting smoking is possibly the damn hardest thing I have ever done. Well, tried to do as I don't feel I am on top of it yet as I have just had a relapse. Just goes to show that this is a fight for life that can last for the rest of your life. It is so easy to say I will have just one...when you think you can handle it. But I am living proof that you really shouldn't as that tends to lead to another and suddenly you are week or a year down the line smoking a packet a day.

But it is also a journey of self discovery. How bad you can feel, how great you can feel once you feel like you are beating it and how much of a fighter you really have to be to try again after failing a number of times.

I have also learnt that when I have a relapse, when people come to me tutting and shaking theirs heads, I really do feel like I could punch their lights out. In some way it was good they did that but all it did was piss me off royally and make me have another. It was in the end game me who had to pick up the pieces and decide to get a grip of my own self destructing behaviour. I am the only one who can make the choice.

This is not to say that support isnt important, it really is. But I have realised that after the 1st two weeks everyone forgets that you are still fighting like hell for beating this thing. Every single day is a fight, sometimes it is just a small skirmish by 6 men on the Scottish Highlands but other times it is the World War 2 and occasionally it is the Apocalypse. It is very important to know who your troops are. Right now I feel I have none, but thats just my mood, I am sure it is not true in reality.

Edited 3 days later>
F*ck It. I fell again. No the date wasn't that bad, but he did smoke.
For frikks sake. I'd like to see him again but is that wise considering that I am likely to bum all his fags off him?

I am totally totally hopeless, useless piece of middle aged woman ass(wipe).
Someone just shoot me now. With a shotgun. And then shoot again just to be sure to put me out for good. Pissing heck.

Then you fall a little

It is time for the confession. I have been putting this off for a week or so but it has to be done. I fell flat on my face and smoked for 1.5 weeks.
Why did I do such a thing after being smokefree for nearly 4 months. I really do not know, I just really wanted a cigarette and had one, then two and then 20. So all in all I had about 40 cigarettes in space of 10 days. And kicked my own ass after each one, but could not stop myself.

Nothing major happened in my life that upset me or such so there was no excuse. The last cigarette I had was 3 days ago and strangely I have been ok after that, ok in cravings wise, they have been there but not ridiculous, so I have had couple of nicotine gums a day and thats been enough.

I just really dont know what came over me, I have been pretty pissed off at myself and have had good tellings off from few people.

I was enjoying being non smoker, it was saving me loadsa money so why do back down that road?
It did help that I got a really bad cold and it reminded me how many colds I had last year and that stopped me on Wednesday. I was pretty much in bed in fever and with massive headache for Thursday and Friday sweating this cold out and only starting to feel bit better today. I would imagine I would still have it if I carried on smoking, it would develop into a chest infection and cough. Maybe this time, it won't.

I am feeling rather down in the dumps partly due to being poorly and partly due to being so disapointed in myself and life in general, but I will climb up, I will.

I apologise and try again. What else is there to do.

Tune of the day: Alter Bridge: I know It hurts. Have a listen, it is rather good.

Online dating edition

You know, I have written number of very placid posts and have not felt very strongly about anything which is a great shame since I was getting such a great reputation as the bitching bitch so I thought , just maybe I could still...you know. Have a go?

This time we come down to the internet dating. I have now been single for 6.5 years (cheezuz frikkin christ and all his children...) although that depends on what one considers singlehood, I have dated a number of people for little while, like a week, two or 4, but furtherst I have got in this last few years has been 8 weeks and to me that can not really be counted as a real relationship. Not because it was not real, but because it never became anything more than a few dates and on few occasions, some awsome earth shattering sex.

Now I probably should not have said that, but then again I am human, I do on a very rare occasion have precicely that, even though one in a proper world is not supposed to talk about that unless you are hiding behind a really dodgy nick name and wrong photo in this amazing place called tinterweb. The thing for me is that I have a very large number of  people from Finland as well as UK reading this blog, including members of my family, but every now and then and ESPECIALLY after quitting smoking I need to let the steam out no matter what it is that comes out. So this is what you lot get this time and I will probably delete it within hours of being posted so if I was you, reading this, I would send me some silly comment, whatever it may be, just to see if you ca try and convince me not to delete it.

Anyhow, as you can imagine being single for a LONG time, one comes across a date or two that are downright bad or just unbelivable. I have had all that. Let me give you a few examples....

There is the bloke who has the most amazing pictures and looks like greek god, but you then meet, he is dressed like Neo in Matrix with the whole full length leather jacket but half his teeth are missing and his breath is like Dart Wader *I can also confirm no light sabers were on sight as I know you sci-fi puffs would like to ask...*. I can conclude that he was smart enough to keep his MOUTH SHUT on all the nice pictures but it is not really something you can hide face to face. Tip to blokes, nothing... I repeat nothing...puts a woman off as much as bad teeth. If really they are that bad, get sorted with some dentures , whatever. Just say no to rotting mouth, please? So how do you tell your date that is the reason why you cant ever bear to look at them. Do 'the Miia' and text your friend to call you with immidiate emergecy that requires you to leave immidiately. Yup.

Then another classic is the case of the ever so handsome lad with gloriously nice photos and profile and after a bit of a chat a date was arranged. Just turns out he is 5 foot 1. I am 5 foot 9...PLUS wearing heels. He in fact had not put his height on his profile so it kinda never came a matter of discussion, but yeah, we looked like mother and son out and I was tempted to ask if he wanted a hot chocolate but instead we got drunk, slagged off all our exes off and had a great time but never...ever got in touch again.

Now dont take me all wrong here, I have met some amazing people, have spent some amazing evenings with amazing guys but I just fail to find one that I fall for. The one who really shakes your booty. I have also had umpteen bad dates, and not that I cant get along with just about anybody until I can make a classy and not rude escape as I do have manners, but some men are just hard work, they turn up, dont say a word and every question you ask is answered by yes or no and THAT is it. SO yeah, all sorts out there. Just for the record us ladies do like a bit of a story and like to also be listened, but it does take two to tango for either.SO it is really hard to fall for anyone.

In fact even that is little bit in-accurate as I am sure I could fall in love with Jason Statham or Johnny Depp before meeting them face to face but let's be fair, no price looking LIKE THAT is gonna ever ask me out so I need to keep looking on the normal guy cathegory, even on the too skinny or too fat cathegory and since I am about to 40, the desperate for anything than my ex-wife catergory.

You know, the pickings are REA:LLY slim. There is a reason why a lot of people are single in the 40's. And for blokes it seems to be something in the following cathegories: lazy, ignorant, stupid...hence they have been dumped. This may be me being really catty and bitchy but seems that the good guys stay in relationships, and thats because they probably are great in bed, to be with, great parents and company in every single way.

But thats not all, then there are the real sleazybags, OMG...dont get me started. Just this week I have had 2 really sickeningly good looking guys get in contact and I am wondering why....turns out they are looking for a one night hook up, while the girlfriend or wife is busy. If that was my boyfriend or husband, I would kill him. Really would. And I can imagine by the look of these guys that their girlfrienda are gorgeous Jordan lookalikes so I do not understand why they need the extra sex with some overweight nearly 40 year olds? For shits and giggles? So if there is 2 a week, you can imagine how may I have come accross in 6.5 years. Yup. World is full of slezy men. I bet every other guy that is reading this text right now could cheat on their partner. That is sick. What is WRONG with you people, if you dont like your partner, move on and get single and shag whoever, whenever you want without hurting anyone. WHY is that too hard. If you really love someone and are happy with them, there is NO WAY IN HELL you would want to get it on with anyone else AT ALL. That is what it is like when you find a soulmate. I know because I had that once.

Then there is the ones who have put the picture from 1996 on in which they looked great and now, well they look more like a beachwhale and smell like dumpster.

It is safe to say that I have had 100 first dates in past 6 years. maybe 4-6 of those have made it to second date and only 3 of those have made it to third. If you imagine that I have chatted with each of those hundered for anything from week to 8 weeks before meeting, you can imagine how much time I have wasted. And got nowhere.

To be fair 50% of the blokes are nice, decent in some cases even I would say real catches, it is just that I am in some form unable to fall for any of them. My friends like to blame my past love, they may be right as he is one hell of a bloke to beat, but some of them, in fact lot of them by now think that I am just too picky and I want too much. And there is some who are just too good to be true. You know who you are...if you read this, and I have failed YOU in my ice queen heart.

And then there are those who come out limping with a broken heart and you know all you would be to them is a rebound. And that can be fine, for a very very short time, like one evening that you both either regret or not but never repeat.

My question is...when did it come too much to want to fall in love? Why is that a swear word to all the good looking guys and why, oh why can I not fall in love with someone and have that feeling returned? And why the hell should I settle for someone who is nice even if I did not fall for them?

My family and friends by now just want me to be with just about anyone so that the balance and belief in life and love could be restored forever, but...I refuse forever and ever until there is a guy that makes my belly feel the butterflies, my mind and body want to see him and to hear his voice, I want to find someone that I can NOT wait to get home to to speak to and to share my entire life with.

It seems this is too much to ask.

However, should you be eligible batchelor and want to get in touch, please feel free as this chick is just about ready to give up and settle for spinsterhood for good!
PS: Especially of you are Jason or Johnny...PMFSL
PPS: I am however VERY tired of this crap so do make an effort with that application...

RANT FRIKKIN OVER.

I could so have a cigarette right now.

And please do leave a comment, any comment...nobody has left me a comment in months and here I am spewing out all this crap and likely to delete this very soon so would be nice to hear...well anything. Dont know if anyone reads this anymore x

103 Days...and nights!!

Well, well, well. I have been a very good girl. I have not had a cigarette for nearly 3.5 months. I stopped going to the meetings too about a month ago as I didn’t feel it necessary.

I haven’t written much as I sort of ran out of steam bitching and moaning about stuff and been pretty steady, if not even some days happy person, which has made a change from the first 6 weeks to people who have to deal with me in daily basis for sure.

The cravings still come and for me probably because I still use my VAPORATOR-R-R regularly. It is only once or twice a day, but still. I am sure that it is mostly just habit now, I have changed the liquid in it for the weakest possible so there isn’t that much nicotine in it, and occasionally here and there I will chew nicotine gum if I feel the need. Perhaps if I didn’t do either the cravings would be almost non existent.

I have this time gone past the quitting Champix bit and have not started smoking again, I had the last Champix maybe 3-4 weeks ago and feel fine without them.

Maybe this time I can actually stick with it, we have gone further than ever before. I am also going to gym 3 times a week and sweating like a fat bird in lycra does to keep the weight in check. At the moment I weigh exactly the same as I did when I quit smoking, so that’s GOOD. I did do low carb diet for 6 weeks but in the last week that has totally blown and have been eating normal again, this may be bad mistake, but find it difficult to be strict about everything. So right now I will stay strict about saying no to cigarettes and go to gym 3 x week and eat what I want. Will see what happens. My ass feels tight like stone from all the cycling and cross training so I feel happy at that :D

I have now saved £670,00 not smoking. I have none of that in my pocket but I have had nice meals out, Lovely carnival in London, I have new wellies and court shoes and winter boots, dogs are vaccinated, bills are up to date, and I am going to Dublin in 2 weeks. Most of which I would not have or done if I had carried on smoking. So YAY!

SO yeah I just wanted to pop in, check in and tell you that YES… I am still a non-smoker one day at the time who is no fatter than before and I seem happy, a lot more than before.

2 Months = 62 days. Yabba.

So yeah. Last time I was a bad girl. To my credit, I have not touched a cigarette since, not really even wanted to for the first time. It was weird how it got me so bad as well. Anyhow.

I am more determined than ever to succeed. We are coming down to the crunchtime when I failed last 2 times, the end of the Champix. I have 2 weeks of that left now so will somehow need to be extra vigilante for the coming month.

But I am quite proud of myself, I have saved £450.00 and have not had a cough or cold since, prior to quitting I had one of the other for past 8 months. So maybe this winter I could be chest infection free?

I am talking about winter although it is not even September until tomorrow, but this morning it was +4c outside and I froze my little titties off! I mean it is supposed to be summer still, wtf? In fact right this moment in time it is +16c in my hometown in finland and only +11c here is Halifax. It is wrong. On so many levels.

I have joined the gym now, it is supposed to open this weekend so I can get back on track of excersise. Nothing nicer than brand spanking new gym in town with all spankly new equipment. My lodger has also joined it as well as one of my best friends, so I should have some company at least sometimes to kick my backside if I try and spend an evening with Mr Pizza and a movie instead :)

However, I have also decided that if it comes to having a bad day and relapsing, I would rather relapse with a chocolate, pizza or the like than a cigarette since it is still early days of the quitting. SO I am not gonna be too hard on myself on the calories consumed and such. Can't be perfect at everything this big at the same time, but I do need to keep a grip. The good news is that I weighed myself today and I have not put any more weight on, it is just 1kg, 2 pounds more than when I quit. But I was very overweight before I started anyway so I need to keep it same or loose it. That is the only two options.

Today I have consumed 1813 calories, that has included sausage butty and one strawberry and lime cider tho as it is Friday. But pretty well below what I burn a day which is 2200 so a good day in that respect. I use http://www.myfitnesspal.com/ to track it, it is rather easy with that as most things are already in their database. Plus you get lot of support from people and make friends quickly if you write few messages on their forum.

This is yet another really boring blog post. Sorry. Seems my spunk went somewhere around week 6 or something?