Why bother?

I tell you what, this bloody quitting smoking thing is just total bull! I did half well yesterday and then ended up slipping and having a cig in the evening.  really lasted only like 12 hours. Pathetic! I am going to end up old, wrinkly and toothless before I succeed :(

And upon rising from my tomb this morning, had another one.

This has brought me to one conclusion, it is not wise to have cigarettes left in the house.(and in the car)

So today I have had 4 cigs. So really it is not even managed to be a quit day at all. I guess, we try to have Day 1 again tomorrow?

I really am feeling rather depressed about it, why is this so much harder 2nd time around? I guess I can answer that myself, I am not properly motivated, I bloody like it! There you have it!

I am like a walking advert for the cigarette companies. Jesus.

I decided to have a emergency teleconference with my Aunt who is also going thru the same thing at the same time in Finland. This made me feel slightly better, but it did not restore my willpower as of yet.

So now I am in a real dilemma. DO I go and smoke all the cigarettes left so that I can't just grab one when I so desire? This of course is assuming that I would not just walk into the shop and buy some?

Or do I just try not to have them, and then feel bad when I fail? Maybe make a nice wig out of them?

Feel free to comment...I am at end of my pathetic tether. Wondering why bother? Why oh why?

5 Hours. Take 2

Slightly schitsophrenic start. I woke up and realised I had not said proper goodbye to my last cigarette last night. So of course I had to have one more last cigarette. So did that with a cup of coffee.

As you can see this time I am not motivated at all. My thoughts circled around looking for reasons why I am actually attempting this.

Anyhow, seems currently we have two entirely different persons residing in my brain. These two take 30 second turns talking to me.

The first person, let's call her Miiuli starts of with ' You know you enjoy smoking, why put yourself out by suffering and not having one, this wont prove anything, apart from the fact that you love smoking. Stop pretending, we both know I am right, come with me, let's go and have a puff! You should never quit something you like doing anyway!'

Then the second cow comes online and we can call her say Miiuska ' It bloody stinks, it is unattractive, expensive and it is soooo bad for you, this quitting thing is piece of cake, no problems at all, like a walk in the sunshine thru a beautiful park with blooming flowers'

For a moment there is silence and then Miiuli goes off on one again. And then Miiuska.... Inbetween I see flying ciragettes with horns pointing and laughing at me.

This is really not a good start.

This in fact is biggest pile of shisen I can think of for a humanbeing to be doing on a perfect sunny saturday. I am fooking insane.
And it has only been 5 hours.
It will be one VERY long weekend this.

Epic Fail!!

So I have a confession to make. (What a surprise) I managed 10 weeks without smoking, then one Sunday morning early I got woken up from my hangover haze with a text message that my grandmother had passed away.

With mouth tasting like cat piss and with a fuzzy head I dragged myself to my computer and looked at some flights. I sat there for pretty much an hour just staring at the screen, trying to decide if I should leave in 4 hours or the next day. I couldn’t make a decision.

I decided to take the dog for a walk and the fresh air helped me cry a bit and then decide that I am leaving now.

I booked my flights, walked into a corner shop and bought 10 cigarettes, smoked 3 of them in half an hour, took a shower, packed and left for the airport.

In my infinite wisdom I thought that I will just have those 10 cigarettes and then no more.


The next day I smoked last of those 10 in the morning, swearing to my sister that this would be it. No more.


I had to catch a train up north and most of the train journey I was fine, but towards the end of the 6 hour joyride I was dying to have a cigarette again, so I went into the restaurant van. Turns out they don’t sell any. The cashier looked at me with sympathy, I would imagine my facial expression was somewhat sad, pathetic, borderline about to loose my mind with crazy sheen to my eyeballs. She said maybe I can help and offered me one of her own cigarettes. I nearly wept. Total stranger was being so kind for no valid reason.


When I arrived at my destination I grabbed myself from the neck and decided to stick with not getting any more. All week from Monday evening until Saturday I stayed not smoking. The funeral was on Saturday and I was due to do a speech. Large amount of my relatives smoke and I ended up bumming 3 cigarettes that day, supposedly to calm my nerves and sadness.


The next day was travel back down south and overnight stay at my sisters, stayed without smoking. Monday evening when my sister and her boyfriend dropped me off at the airport, I jumped out of the car and walked into shop directly and bought some cigarettes.


And now I have been smoking like a chimney for 3 weeks. I have been so angry and disappointed with myself that I haven’t even wanted to write here. Such a pathetic, weak and stupid excuse human being that I am.


Seems the more pissed off I have got with myself, the more I have smoked. What annoys me the most is the cost, I had saved over 400 pounds in that 10 weeks, and the second thing is the neediness, I felt so free without having to make sure I had enough cigarettes and without having to top up my nicotine every hour.


So you may be pleased to hear that I will attempting to quit again. I am totally not looking forward to the first 2 weeks of total hell, as that is what it is, truly, now I know already what is ahead and it is not a nice prospect.


And guess what, the first day of that is tomorrow.


I will smoke myself stupid today, enjoy my last cigs the best I can.


And then we are back to my whining and moaning and bitching as from tomorrow, I will be trying to write again most days and see what rubbish I can spew out from my nicotine withdrawal crazed brain this time for your entertainment or disgust, whichever applies.

Day umpteenth on a looong road....

WOW!

I am in shock. I have had nearly 100 people read the last post. OMG...I don't know if I should do backflips or get drunk to celebrate. Oh, best get drunk since my weight seems to be on the increase and thus I would risk a serious injury if I went to even ATTEMPT backflip now.

The only reason I know how many people are reading is that I finally got a counter, this was rather funny and all, made this counter with this widget thing and had the html code and all, just could not find where I was supposed to slot it. 3 hours later and reading all help sections and trying hundred times, I finally found it...it was so simple a 10 month old that only knows how to say 5 words...could have done it. Hat off to google and the things that they try to make for stupid people like me, making it so simple that it seems there has to be really hard way of doing it, and that is what I was looking for. I wasn't imagining single click with a cat size arrow pointing to it...haha. Well, at least my small mind got some excercise while at it. Must admit Dana looked at me like I was the last village idiot when after hours of staring at the screen, swearing in finnish and telling her that google and everthing they ever inveted was rotten from the core...I suddenly went ' You are joking,that was it, you streamlining fekking bastards!!!' and promptly walked to the fridge and poured a mansize glass of wine...and pouted a lot.

See this blogging thingy is not all that easy at all, it takes time and apparently...NO BRAINS! lol

To be honest, when I started this blog, I went to guess who...lol, google and just typed free blog. Well of course google blog would be first one that came up. I wasn't interested if I was gonna be able to do pretty things with it or make it look like dogs bollocks, in my nicotine withdrawal I just needed to UNLOAD. I signed on in less than 60 seconds and wrote my first post. It is only now that my withdrawal symptoms are easing a little and that I have realised how many people are reading this, that I am trying to make an effort here :D

Anyway, back to smoking, or more apptly, the lack of it. I had a message from my non-smoking group today, the meeting was cancelled as our meeting room got booked for someone else! So no meeting for me then...I wonder if one can class that as a disapointing incident and smoke and then just tell them next week that they crushed me with cancelling my meeting and I REALLY needed it...

No, I would not do that, but it is nice to play with the idea like an AA meeting...feeling like no one cares, not EVEN the AA group...so one needed a drink to drown his sorrows :D

As you can all probably tell, I am feeling a LOT better, the last week with the surgery and all that misery, pain and dizzyness, tiredness and PAIN just made me very miserable and today I almost feel like my normal self and it is soooo NICE!

At the current moment I want a cigarette approx every 2 hours.

Oh, yeah...you will love this...

I am getting my bathroom refurbished, which is great, I finally have most of the things needed, like tiles, bath, carpet, sink, toilet etc and some great friends helping me do it, since I am poor and can't afford to pay for the cowboys that could ruin it all for me for a lot of money.

Now the downside of this is....I am still having these post smoking sweats, I am SO hot all the time, face red, sweat literally pouring out, the good thing is that it does not quite smell as bad as it did before (the mans excersise pants, left in gymbag for 2 weeks, rolled in ash, with added fragrances of dog poo and cat piss...if you remember from previous blogging)

It's just sweat now( which is still not good)...and of course...I can't take a shower or a bath at my house...IIIIK! May I note that Sure advert featuring Alexandra Burke (always dry) is on TV while I write this (the universe knows how to take the piss)

And as my luck should have it, what was supposed to be a fairly straight forward job, turned into one with twists and turns that any soap opera writer could be proud of. I just hope my finances can handle it all. Thank god for some people who are helping me with this whole thing, you know who you are...just know I am eternally greatful!

So when the tiles came out, the old ones, half the wall came out with it too...gonna be a bit bigger job than thought. So I think no showers for at least 2 weeks. Just serves me right for buying a house that was built in 1897. (stoopid biatch!)

All I need now is a heatwave....that would be like the ultimate punishment...I am sweating buckets at +19 as it is...and it had been cloudy and windy...all DAY!

I am staring to wonder if the do an antiperspirant bath anywhere? never mind the pathetic little sprays and sticks they sell...I am needing some serious arsenal. But APPARENTLY QUITTING SMOKING IS GOOD FOR ME :D

I have so much more to say, but for now I am just having a contemplative suck on my nicotine inhalor whilst sipping a glass of Pinot Grigio and watching some Simpsons. The rest can wait thill the next blog...

And if you actually bothered to read ALL this way...do me a favour, just write at least hello on the comments, let me hear YA!!!!

B O R E D

I am so bloody bored I don't know what to do with myself. I have now been sat at home for 72 hours, I have watched approximately 30 hours of TV, countless hours of computer screen, and fair amount of the ceiling.

When you get to this level of boredom, nothng even interests you anymore. I have come up with 20 things to do today and dismissed each one of them as can't be bothered. Thus deepening the boredom.

Anyway, just had to have a moan.

Last night in bed I remebered what I asked my recovery nurse in hospital, after ripping the tube out of my throat and demanding more painkillers, I asked if I had done any embarassing bodily functions during the surgery. She said it didn't matter even if I had. I explained to her that it would highly amuse my blog readers if I had, but she still refused to tell me. I forgot all about this in the past couple of days, it just suddenly came back to me at 00:45 last night. I wonder how many people would ask that? Did I fart? Did it smell? Hehe.

I must be mad as a hatter.

This morning as I was taking my Champix, I realised I had forgot to go and get my next prescription yesterday. Profuse swearing followed. This means I will be without Champix all day Monday before I can get the prescription Monday afternoon after work. NOT GOOD! So I can foresee a delightfull Monday at work. Feel sorry for my workmates already.

I tell you what as well, in the past when I have been to my dentist, he has always been surprised that I don't have gum infection or receeding gums due to my smoking. Well guess what, I quit smoking and I now have gum infection, it started 7 days after I quit. It really hurts, I am flossing, rinsing, brushing and adding tea tree to my gums and trying everything I possibly can to make it go away. But so far nothing is helping.

APPARENTLY QUITTING SMOKING IS GOOD FOR ME.

Pissed off.

And last night I noticed I am getting a pimple. Guess where. In my eyelid. I mean who gets a pimple in their eyelid???? That is just abnormal! Must be to do with this quitting smoking again, the 'poisons' are choosing the most interesting places to remove themselves out of my body. I wonder what is next...????

Yesterday, due to being bored all I did was eat. And eat. And eat. I can see where this is going. And since I am so bloody bored today, that is probably all I am gonna do today. That is if my gums allow it. (still pissed off)

So today I am bored, pissed off, depressed, annoyed. But right this moment in time, I don't want a cigarette.

I guess that is something?

Day 14

Pardon my absence, as you know it was the scary surgery few days ago. Man I tell you, the post anesthesia was great, all fuzzed up and confused on cloud no 9.

I was very very scared, but I have to say the lovely danish nurse made me feel lot better and in fact all the staff were great. When I woke up I ripped the breathing tube out the moment I opened my eyes and promply burst into tears. I was just so glad to wake up again! And glad it was all over. Apparently in 4-6 weeks I should be as good as new!

The pain was incredible so the recovery nurse pumped me full of some kinda medicine and rest of the day I felt fine floating about not giving a damn :)

I have been taking it very easy and sleeping a lot, had all my friends take turns looking after me for the 1st 24 hours, so thank you all for that! Still have quite a bit of pain, but painkillers are making it bearable so all is pretty well.

On the day if the surgery, in the evening my housemate and friend were having a cigarette on my back yard. I stumbled out to go and smell the lovely smell and stupidly decided to have one drag of cigarette. Jesus it made me feel sick, I had to go lay down and I felt so poorly for next hour it is untrue.

So, maybe it was stupid. But in a way it was good, cause I don't want to feel like that again, really was horrible and I think it had something to do with the anesthesia after effects. But I want to keep that memory of how sick it made me feel, forefront in my mind, for every single time I want a cig. (which still is worryingly often).

And I have come to the conclusion that although I have stumbled twice, I have not even had 1 full cigarette since I quit, so that is pretty good going! And it is 2 weeks today! Wohoo! SO far I have saved 63 pounds not smoking!

Today I had a new bathroom delivered. The bloke who was delivering it said he can only bring it next to my house, they are not allowed to carry things in etc. So I decided to try my womanly charms. Afterall, I couldn't be carrying all that indoors on my own, just after a bloody surgery now could I? And my dog, well she is useless and would not help me either :)

After chatting to him, and telling him about the surgery and being a single woman all on my own, I had him as putty in my hands. Half an hour later the entire bathroom suite was in my house without me having to lift a finger. Not only that, I also had two very usefull contacts he gave me and I knew his dogs name and what his wife does for living and how much their house cost. That my friends, is how one uses the womanly charms. I believe my sister is coming quite adept at this too. She had to go and buy oil for my brothers Alfa Romeo which she is looking after whilst he is tangoing in Argentina, and she didnt even know how to open the hood.
No problem, skirt and lots of eyelash batting and confused looks at the oil shelf of the gas station and probem was solved in no time when the men jumped to her rescue. I am glad she is learning from her big sis  ;)

I tell you what as well, lot of people have been saying that they have been really enjoying reading the blog, laughing their asses off. But I have now realised the people who have said that have either been smokers, or ex smokers, I guess this hits a spot for them. Where as non smokers havent said much, or at least have not found it funny. LOL.(with the exception of my sister who is my avid reader) I think it takes a smoker to understand my pain, really taste it :D

Well I really have been racking my brain for something funny to say, but I have NOTHING today. Sorry folks, just boring ol crap today.

Foot and mouth disease

The latest in the non-smoking drama unfolds as this stupid day 11 comes to an end (thank god).

I started with really bad sleep last night, kept waking up and then woke up screaming my little head off after a nightmare at exactly 5:30. My poor dog fell out of bed scared of this monsterous looking madwoman with bloodshot eyes, beads of sweat and tears running down my face, and flaping about like a scizophreniac who just escaped from the straightjacket. This dream I have explained in detail to only 2 people and we shall leave it at that as I do not want it shared publicly, but I can assure you, it was horrible. So much so, that I had to text my sister at 6am, just to make sure she was alive and well. She came back few hours later with 'I am alive, but in hell they call work...' which made me feel so much better :D

Needless to say I started my day in a foul mood. And sometimes when you have that kind of start to your day, it just gets worse from there. It did.

It appears that this other woman has taken residence in my body, she bitches and moans about absolutely everything and everyone. (or maybe aliens performed a personality transplant??)
To the point of moaning about people and just to find them stood behind me. Staring. With an evil eye.

In total 3 times I have done that today to my shock and horror, and as this is not normally something I do all the time, I haven't been able to recover the situations in any good way at all, just gone red, turned away and sweated some more. And thought about crying but dismissed it as something that evil bitches like me should not really do, might ruin the image! After the person has walked away, I have been seen self-mutilating, beating my head with my fists, swearing in Finnish and internally screaming at my own idiocy. So I have come to the conclusion that I must have been infected with foot and mouth disease. If I haven't, I think I should. I think a foot in my mouth would be a really good this to get this god damn huge gob shut. Permanently.

I really, really have felt embarassed by this and I probably am creating an army of people who will hate me from this day to eternity. *Sigh* But apprently quitting smoking is good for me. (I keep trying to repeat that mantra over and over again)

I have also noticed that my memory and concentration has completely left me. Good example of this is from this wretched morning, I call a customer and leave a message on his mobile for him to call me back as I want to tell him about a job we have done and ask him something. He calls back exactly 10 minutes later and says 'You called'
I reply 'Did I? No I don't think I did' to which he laughs (luckily I get along with him quite well by now and speak to him daily) and after we repeat the above a few times he actually mimics my voice and my message (actually worryingly well) and only then do I remeber that YES I did ring him and then started the wondering about why did I ring him.(which he found very funny I might add, he did ask me how old I was exactly and when I was due to retire) After further 60 seconds, my brain finally decided to give me a tidbit and I remember what I was supposed to be talking to him about. SO not only have I got foot and mouth disease, I now also have dementia! But apperently quitting smoking is good for me!!
(I wonder if it is good for my job?)

I think tho, to be perfectly honest, part to do with todays disasters is the fact that I am going for a surgery in hospital tomorrow, and those who know me well, also know that my faith in NHS and doctors in general is rather poor, so I have used much of my brain capacity imagining all the possible scenarios of how this surgery could go wrong.

So just for the record, I want to be cremated, ashes can be thrown around Finland in gay abandon to any relevant spots that I may have hang about in my youth. At my funeral everyone needs to get drunk, that is an order! Dancing at tables is optional. So my sister gets my books, she can also have my shoes and clothes PROVIDING she shares them with Minna. And Minna gets the oils and the books about healing and herbs and things.

Dana says she wants the Audi, she is only getting driving lessons now and has promised me that she can damage it in no time, which would be a suitable faith for a 10 year old lady and since it is no good for anyone in Finland with the wheel on wrong side, I think she should have it. (What I am sure she wouldn't like is the 1800 pounds left of the loan to pay heheh!) Apparently she would also like the Wii, but I told her that she would have to have a boxing match with my sister and brother for that. (now that I would like to see!)

Guitar would go to the bro if he comes back alive from Argentina, as well as my technological things like phones, computers and so on. Rest, well there is only debt, so hopefully sale of the house would just about cover those.

So there, one testament, voila!
(Why do people need like lawyers- solicitors to sort these things out, it is very simple?)

After all that, I will probably be just fine and I have made a huge deal about nothing due to my need for cigarettes making every issue BIG. Most likely outcome is that I am fine by Monday and have to return to my rock hard SAS training schedule (LOL).

So that's it. I am off to see what horrors Champix has on the box office for me tonight!

Taraa!

PS: The picture in the beginning was rather suited for todays mood, I would really have needed that ONE smoke, just the one and all my worries would have floated away.