The REAL Day 1

Thanks for the comments on previous posts! Keep them coming, they keep me writing! As one anonymous said maybe it is the other issues that are going on in life that are the problem. Had a little think and came to the conclusion that the only other problem I really have right this moment in time is that I am reluctant to quit because I enjoy it and that I am not properly motivated. Everything else in my life is fine really, sort of. I think? I did fail my last attempt after 10 weeks of not smoking due to the funeral of my gran, but really I can't use that as an excuse for my failing now.



So I decided to grab the bull by the horns yesterday, I smoked a few cigarettes and then gathered all remaining cigs and took them to work with me. I promptly gave them all to a colleague who is one of the few remaining smokers in our office. She was pleased anyway. I felt that I now have some resolve to do this. I told her not to give me one under any circumstances, no matter if I am begging on my hands and knees or screaming my head off.


I haven’t had one since and that was lunchtime yesterday. So now today it is the real day 1 for quitting.


It is funny when I started work for this company 2 years ago there was 8 smokers. Now there is only 3. This of course is a great sign and gives me some hope that I can succeed, after all…others have managed.


What I have learned as well is that once I get this thing as well under the belt as last time, past that 8 week mark, that is when you got to get careful. You can’t have even one cig or you will just go back to it.


Other thing to motivate me again is that I found out yesterday that I will have to have another surgery this year. It will be Septoplasty for my nose to help me breathe better. When one is a smoker, the risk of complications in anastasia are far greater. So it would be better for me to be done with it by then. Apparently this surgery will take place sometime before Christmas. Strange, went to see doctor at spring time for 2 problems, and they both ended up needing surgery. Two in one year, when I had managed 36 years without none! Madness.


Just for the moment I don’t feel too bad, no need to beat the wall with my fists or attack people. But there is time yet!!! If I remember correctly the first day wasn’t the worst, it was around day 2 that I came sick and day 3 and 4 when nearly caved in last time.


So I know the worst is yet to come. Bring it on you bastard!! My inner warrior has woken up and is ready to PARRRRTY!


I just did a FeewayCER Meridian Energy Therapy session and that has totally now turned me around to thinking I can do this. Should have got around to doing that at the weekend really but I was busy!


I am noting though that I am biting my nails. So I may not have any nails left in the end of the week, which is a great shame as I have really long nice nails just now. Hmph.


And the inhaler is getting it some. I might have finely defined cheekbones soon, the thing is you really have to put some effort into sucking it to get anything out of it! And then when you do get some nicotine out of it, man does it taste bad. Yak!

I wonder when the sweats and shakes start again??? Yiihaa!

Also my chrystal ball tells me the wine consumption will be increasing over the coming days. The local AA club wondered why their walls were shuddering :D

Why bother?

I tell you what, this bloody quitting smoking thing is just total bull! I did half well yesterday and then ended up slipping and having a cig in the evening.  really lasted only like 12 hours. Pathetic! I am going to end up old, wrinkly and toothless before I succeed :(

And upon rising from my tomb this morning, had another one.

This has brought me to one conclusion, it is not wise to have cigarettes left in the house.(and in the car)

So today I have had 4 cigs. So really it is not even managed to be a quit day at all. I guess, we try to have Day 1 again tomorrow?

I really am feeling rather depressed about it, why is this so much harder 2nd time around? I guess I can answer that myself, I am not properly motivated, I bloody like it! There you have it!

I am like a walking advert for the cigarette companies. Jesus.

I decided to have a emergency teleconference with my Aunt who is also going thru the same thing at the same time in Finland. This made me feel slightly better, but it did not restore my willpower as of yet.

So now I am in a real dilemma. DO I go and smoke all the cigarettes left so that I can't just grab one when I so desire? This of course is assuming that I would not just walk into the shop and buy some?

Or do I just try not to have them, and then feel bad when I fail? Maybe make a nice wig out of them?

Feel free to comment...I am at end of my pathetic tether. Wondering why bother? Why oh why?

5 Hours. Take 2

Slightly schitsophrenic start. I woke up and realised I had not said proper goodbye to my last cigarette last night. So of course I had to have one more last cigarette. So did that with a cup of coffee.

As you can see this time I am not motivated at all. My thoughts circled around looking for reasons why I am actually attempting this.

Anyhow, seems currently we have two entirely different persons residing in my brain. These two take 30 second turns talking to me.

The first person, let's call her Miiuli starts of with ' You know you enjoy smoking, why put yourself out by suffering and not having one, this wont prove anything, apart from the fact that you love smoking. Stop pretending, we both know I am right, come with me, let's go and have a puff! You should never quit something you like doing anyway!'

Then the second cow comes online and we can call her say Miiuska ' It bloody stinks, it is unattractive, expensive and it is soooo bad for you, this quitting thing is piece of cake, no problems at all, like a walk in the sunshine thru a beautiful park with blooming flowers'

For a moment there is silence and then Miiuli goes off on one again. And then Miiuska.... Inbetween I see flying ciragettes with horns pointing and laughing at me.

This is really not a good start.

This in fact is biggest pile of shisen I can think of for a humanbeing to be doing on a perfect sunny saturday. I am fooking insane.
And it has only been 5 hours.
It will be one VERY long weekend this.

Epic Fail!!

So I have a confession to make. (What a surprise) I managed 10 weeks without smoking, then one Sunday morning early I got woken up from my hangover haze with a text message that my grandmother had passed away.

With mouth tasting like cat piss and with a fuzzy head I dragged myself to my computer and looked at some flights. I sat there for pretty much an hour just staring at the screen, trying to decide if I should leave in 4 hours or the next day. I couldn’t make a decision.

I decided to take the dog for a walk and the fresh air helped me cry a bit and then decide that I am leaving now.

I booked my flights, walked into a corner shop and bought 10 cigarettes, smoked 3 of them in half an hour, took a shower, packed and left for the airport.

In my infinite wisdom I thought that I will just have those 10 cigarettes and then no more.


The next day I smoked last of those 10 in the morning, swearing to my sister that this would be it. No more.


I had to catch a train up north and most of the train journey I was fine, but towards the end of the 6 hour joyride I was dying to have a cigarette again, so I went into the restaurant van. Turns out they don’t sell any. The cashier looked at me with sympathy, I would imagine my facial expression was somewhat sad, pathetic, borderline about to loose my mind with crazy sheen to my eyeballs. She said maybe I can help and offered me one of her own cigarettes. I nearly wept. Total stranger was being so kind for no valid reason.


When I arrived at my destination I grabbed myself from the neck and decided to stick with not getting any more. All week from Monday evening until Saturday I stayed not smoking. The funeral was on Saturday and I was due to do a speech. Large amount of my relatives smoke and I ended up bumming 3 cigarettes that day, supposedly to calm my nerves and sadness.


The next day was travel back down south and overnight stay at my sisters, stayed without smoking. Monday evening when my sister and her boyfriend dropped me off at the airport, I jumped out of the car and walked into shop directly and bought some cigarettes.


And now I have been smoking like a chimney for 3 weeks. I have been so angry and disappointed with myself that I haven’t even wanted to write here. Such a pathetic, weak and stupid excuse human being that I am.


Seems the more pissed off I have got with myself, the more I have smoked. What annoys me the most is the cost, I had saved over 400 pounds in that 10 weeks, and the second thing is the neediness, I felt so free without having to make sure I had enough cigarettes and without having to top up my nicotine every hour.


So you may be pleased to hear that I will attempting to quit again. I am totally not looking forward to the first 2 weeks of total hell, as that is what it is, truly, now I know already what is ahead and it is not a nice prospect.


And guess what, the first day of that is tomorrow.


I will smoke myself stupid today, enjoy my last cigs the best I can.


And then we are back to my whining and moaning and bitching as from tomorrow, I will be trying to write again most days and see what rubbish I can spew out from my nicotine withdrawal crazed brain this time for your entertainment or disgust, whichever applies.

Day umpteenth on a looong road....

WOW!

I am in shock. I have had nearly 100 people read the last post. OMG...I don't know if I should do backflips or get drunk to celebrate. Oh, best get drunk since my weight seems to be on the increase and thus I would risk a serious injury if I went to even ATTEMPT backflip now.

The only reason I know how many people are reading is that I finally got a counter, this was rather funny and all, made this counter with this widget thing and had the html code and all, just could not find where I was supposed to slot it. 3 hours later and reading all help sections and trying hundred times, I finally found it...it was so simple a 10 month old that only knows how to say 5 words...could have done it. Hat off to google and the things that they try to make for stupid people like me, making it so simple that it seems there has to be really hard way of doing it, and that is what I was looking for. I wasn't imagining single click with a cat size arrow pointing to it...haha. Well, at least my small mind got some excercise while at it. Must admit Dana looked at me like I was the last village idiot when after hours of staring at the screen, swearing in finnish and telling her that google and everthing they ever inveted was rotten from the core...I suddenly went ' You are joking,that was it, you streamlining fekking bastards!!!' and promptly walked to the fridge and poured a mansize glass of wine...and pouted a lot.

See this blogging thingy is not all that easy at all, it takes time and apparently...NO BRAINS! lol

To be honest, when I started this blog, I went to guess who...lol, google and just typed free blog. Well of course google blog would be first one that came up. I wasn't interested if I was gonna be able to do pretty things with it or make it look like dogs bollocks, in my nicotine withdrawal I just needed to UNLOAD. I signed on in less than 60 seconds and wrote my first post. It is only now that my withdrawal symptoms are easing a little and that I have realised how many people are reading this, that I am trying to make an effort here :D

Anyway, back to smoking, or more apptly, the lack of it. I had a message from my non-smoking group today, the meeting was cancelled as our meeting room got booked for someone else! So no meeting for me then...I wonder if one can class that as a disapointing incident and smoke and then just tell them next week that they crushed me with cancelling my meeting and I REALLY needed it...

No, I would not do that, but it is nice to play with the idea like an AA meeting...feeling like no one cares, not EVEN the AA group...so one needed a drink to drown his sorrows :D

As you can all probably tell, I am feeling a LOT better, the last week with the surgery and all that misery, pain and dizzyness, tiredness and PAIN just made me very miserable and today I almost feel like my normal self and it is soooo NICE!

At the current moment I want a cigarette approx every 2 hours.

Oh, yeah...you will love this...

I am getting my bathroom refurbished, which is great, I finally have most of the things needed, like tiles, bath, carpet, sink, toilet etc and some great friends helping me do it, since I am poor and can't afford to pay for the cowboys that could ruin it all for me for a lot of money.

Now the downside of this is....I am still having these post smoking sweats, I am SO hot all the time, face red, sweat literally pouring out, the good thing is that it does not quite smell as bad as it did before (the mans excersise pants, left in gymbag for 2 weeks, rolled in ash, with added fragrances of dog poo and cat piss...if you remember from previous blogging)

It's just sweat now( which is still not good)...and of course...I can't take a shower or a bath at my house...IIIIK! May I note that Sure advert featuring Alexandra Burke (always dry) is on TV while I write this (the universe knows how to take the piss)

And as my luck should have it, what was supposed to be a fairly straight forward job, turned into one with twists and turns that any soap opera writer could be proud of. I just hope my finances can handle it all. Thank god for some people who are helping me with this whole thing, you know who you are...just know I am eternally greatful!

So when the tiles came out, the old ones, half the wall came out with it too...gonna be a bit bigger job than thought. So I think no showers for at least 2 weeks. Just serves me right for buying a house that was built in 1897. (stoopid biatch!)

All I need now is a heatwave....that would be like the ultimate punishment...I am sweating buckets at +19 as it is...and it had been cloudy and windy...all DAY!

I am staring to wonder if the do an antiperspirant bath anywhere? never mind the pathetic little sprays and sticks they sell...I am needing some serious arsenal. But APPARENTLY QUITTING SMOKING IS GOOD FOR ME :D

I have so much more to say, but for now I am just having a contemplative suck on my nicotine inhalor whilst sipping a glass of Pinot Grigio and watching some Simpsons. The rest can wait thill the next blog...

And if you actually bothered to read ALL this way...do me a favour, just write at least hello on the comments, let me hear YA!!!!

B O R E D

I am so bloody bored I don't know what to do with myself. I have now been sat at home for 72 hours, I have watched approximately 30 hours of TV, countless hours of computer screen, and fair amount of the ceiling.

When you get to this level of boredom, nothng even interests you anymore. I have come up with 20 things to do today and dismissed each one of them as can't be bothered. Thus deepening the boredom.

Anyway, just had to have a moan.

Last night in bed I remebered what I asked my recovery nurse in hospital, after ripping the tube out of my throat and demanding more painkillers, I asked if I had done any embarassing bodily functions during the surgery. She said it didn't matter even if I had. I explained to her that it would highly amuse my blog readers if I had, but she still refused to tell me. I forgot all about this in the past couple of days, it just suddenly came back to me at 00:45 last night. I wonder how many people would ask that? Did I fart? Did it smell? Hehe.

I must be mad as a hatter.

This morning as I was taking my Champix, I realised I had forgot to go and get my next prescription yesterday. Profuse swearing followed. This means I will be without Champix all day Monday before I can get the prescription Monday afternoon after work. NOT GOOD! So I can foresee a delightfull Monday at work. Feel sorry for my workmates already.

I tell you what as well, in the past when I have been to my dentist, he has always been surprised that I don't have gum infection or receeding gums due to my smoking. Well guess what, I quit smoking and I now have gum infection, it started 7 days after I quit. It really hurts, I am flossing, rinsing, brushing and adding tea tree to my gums and trying everything I possibly can to make it go away. But so far nothing is helping.

APPARENTLY QUITTING SMOKING IS GOOD FOR ME.

Pissed off.

And last night I noticed I am getting a pimple. Guess where. In my eyelid. I mean who gets a pimple in their eyelid???? That is just abnormal! Must be to do with this quitting smoking again, the 'poisons' are choosing the most interesting places to remove themselves out of my body. I wonder what is next...????

Yesterday, due to being bored all I did was eat. And eat. And eat. I can see where this is going. And since I am so bloody bored today, that is probably all I am gonna do today. That is if my gums allow it. (still pissed off)

So today I am bored, pissed off, depressed, annoyed. But right this moment in time, I don't want a cigarette.

I guess that is something?

Day 14

Pardon my absence, as you know it was the scary surgery few days ago. Man I tell you, the post anesthesia was great, all fuzzed up and confused on cloud no 9.

I was very very scared, but I have to say the lovely danish nurse made me feel lot better and in fact all the staff were great. When I woke up I ripped the breathing tube out the moment I opened my eyes and promply burst into tears. I was just so glad to wake up again! And glad it was all over. Apparently in 4-6 weeks I should be as good as new!

The pain was incredible so the recovery nurse pumped me full of some kinda medicine and rest of the day I felt fine floating about not giving a damn :)

I have been taking it very easy and sleeping a lot, had all my friends take turns looking after me for the 1st 24 hours, so thank you all for that! Still have quite a bit of pain, but painkillers are making it bearable so all is pretty well.

On the day if the surgery, in the evening my housemate and friend were having a cigarette on my back yard. I stumbled out to go and smell the lovely smell and stupidly decided to have one drag of cigarette. Jesus it made me feel sick, I had to go lay down and I felt so poorly for next hour it is untrue.

So, maybe it was stupid. But in a way it was good, cause I don't want to feel like that again, really was horrible and I think it had something to do with the anesthesia after effects. But I want to keep that memory of how sick it made me feel, forefront in my mind, for every single time I want a cig. (which still is worryingly often).

And I have come to the conclusion that although I have stumbled twice, I have not even had 1 full cigarette since I quit, so that is pretty good going! And it is 2 weeks today! Wohoo! SO far I have saved 63 pounds not smoking!

Today I had a new bathroom delivered. The bloke who was delivering it said he can only bring it next to my house, they are not allowed to carry things in etc. So I decided to try my womanly charms. Afterall, I couldn't be carrying all that indoors on my own, just after a bloody surgery now could I? And my dog, well she is useless and would not help me either :)

After chatting to him, and telling him about the surgery and being a single woman all on my own, I had him as putty in my hands. Half an hour later the entire bathroom suite was in my house without me having to lift a finger. Not only that, I also had two very usefull contacts he gave me and I knew his dogs name and what his wife does for living and how much their house cost. That my friends, is how one uses the womanly charms. I believe my sister is coming quite adept at this too. She had to go and buy oil for my brothers Alfa Romeo which she is looking after whilst he is tangoing in Argentina, and she didnt even know how to open the hood.
No problem, skirt and lots of eyelash batting and confused looks at the oil shelf of the gas station and probem was solved in no time when the men jumped to her rescue. I am glad she is learning from her big sis  ;)

I tell you what as well, lot of people have been saying that they have been really enjoying reading the blog, laughing their asses off. But I have now realised the people who have said that have either been smokers, or ex smokers, I guess this hits a spot for them. Where as non smokers havent said much, or at least have not found it funny. LOL.(with the exception of my sister who is my avid reader) I think it takes a smoker to understand my pain, really taste it :D

Well I really have been racking my brain for something funny to say, but I have NOTHING today. Sorry folks, just boring ol crap today.