Day umpteenth on a looong road....

WOW!

I am in shock. I have had nearly 100 people read the last post. OMG...I don't know if I should do backflips or get drunk to celebrate. Oh, best get drunk since my weight seems to be on the increase and thus I would risk a serious injury if I went to even ATTEMPT backflip now.

The only reason I know how many people are reading is that I finally got a counter, this was rather funny and all, made this counter with this widget thing and had the html code and all, just could not find where I was supposed to slot it. 3 hours later and reading all help sections and trying hundred times, I finally found it...it was so simple a 10 month old that only knows how to say 5 words...could have done it. Hat off to google and the things that they try to make for stupid people like me, making it so simple that it seems there has to be really hard way of doing it, and that is what I was looking for. I wasn't imagining single click with a cat size arrow pointing to it...haha. Well, at least my small mind got some excercise while at it. Must admit Dana looked at me like I was the last village idiot when after hours of staring at the screen, swearing in finnish and telling her that google and everthing they ever inveted was rotten from the core...I suddenly went ' You are joking,that was it, you streamlining fekking bastards!!!' and promptly walked to the fridge and poured a mansize glass of wine...and pouted a lot.

See this blogging thingy is not all that easy at all, it takes time and apparently...NO BRAINS! lol

To be honest, when I started this blog, I went to guess who...lol, google and just typed free blog. Well of course google blog would be first one that came up. I wasn't interested if I was gonna be able to do pretty things with it or make it look like dogs bollocks, in my nicotine withdrawal I just needed to UNLOAD. I signed on in less than 60 seconds and wrote my first post. It is only now that my withdrawal symptoms are easing a little and that I have realised how many people are reading this, that I am trying to make an effort here :D

Anyway, back to smoking, or more apptly, the lack of it. I had a message from my non-smoking group today, the meeting was cancelled as our meeting room got booked for someone else! So no meeting for me then...I wonder if one can class that as a disapointing incident and smoke and then just tell them next week that they crushed me with cancelling my meeting and I REALLY needed it...

No, I would not do that, but it is nice to play with the idea like an AA meeting...feeling like no one cares, not EVEN the AA group...so one needed a drink to drown his sorrows :D

As you can all probably tell, I am feeling a LOT better, the last week with the surgery and all that misery, pain and dizzyness, tiredness and PAIN just made me very miserable and today I almost feel like my normal self and it is soooo NICE!

At the current moment I want a cigarette approx every 2 hours.

Oh, yeah...you will love this...

I am getting my bathroom refurbished, which is great, I finally have most of the things needed, like tiles, bath, carpet, sink, toilet etc and some great friends helping me do it, since I am poor and can't afford to pay for the cowboys that could ruin it all for me for a lot of money.

Now the downside of this is....I am still having these post smoking sweats, I am SO hot all the time, face red, sweat literally pouring out, the good thing is that it does not quite smell as bad as it did before (the mans excersise pants, left in gymbag for 2 weeks, rolled in ash, with added fragrances of dog poo and cat piss...if you remember from previous blogging)

It's just sweat now( which is still not good)...and of course...I can't take a shower or a bath at my house...IIIIK! May I note that Sure advert featuring Alexandra Burke (always dry) is on TV while I write this (the universe knows how to take the piss)

And as my luck should have it, what was supposed to be a fairly straight forward job, turned into one with twists and turns that any soap opera writer could be proud of. I just hope my finances can handle it all. Thank god for some people who are helping me with this whole thing, you know who you are...just know I am eternally greatful!

So when the tiles came out, the old ones, half the wall came out with it too...gonna be a bit bigger job than thought. So I think no showers for at least 2 weeks. Just serves me right for buying a house that was built in 1897. (stoopid biatch!)

All I need now is a heatwave....that would be like the ultimate punishment...I am sweating buckets at +19 as it is...and it had been cloudy and windy...all DAY!

I am staring to wonder if the do an antiperspirant bath anywhere? never mind the pathetic little sprays and sticks they sell...I am needing some serious arsenal. But APPARENTLY QUITTING SMOKING IS GOOD FOR ME :D

I have so much more to say, but for now I am just having a contemplative suck on my nicotine inhalor whilst sipping a glass of Pinot Grigio and watching some Simpsons. The rest can wait thill the next blog...

And if you actually bothered to read ALL this way...do me a favour, just write at least hello on the comments, let me hear YA!!!!

B O R E D

I am so bloody bored I don't know what to do with myself. I have now been sat at home for 72 hours, I have watched approximately 30 hours of TV, countless hours of computer screen, and fair amount of the ceiling.

When you get to this level of boredom, nothng even interests you anymore. I have come up with 20 things to do today and dismissed each one of them as can't be bothered. Thus deepening the boredom.

Anyway, just had to have a moan.

Last night in bed I remebered what I asked my recovery nurse in hospital, after ripping the tube out of my throat and demanding more painkillers, I asked if I had done any embarassing bodily functions during the surgery. She said it didn't matter even if I had. I explained to her that it would highly amuse my blog readers if I had, but she still refused to tell me. I forgot all about this in the past couple of days, it just suddenly came back to me at 00:45 last night. I wonder how many people would ask that? Did I fart? Did it smell? Hehe.

I must be mad as a hatter.

This morning as I was taking my Champix, I realised I had forgot to go and get my next prescription yesterday. Profuse swearing followed. This means I will be without Champix all day Monday before I can get the prescription Monday afternoon after work. NOT GOOD! So I can foresee a delightfull Monday at work. Feel sorry for my workmates already.

I tell you what as well, in the past when I have been to my dentist, he has always been surprised that I don't have gum infection or receeding gums due to my smoking. Well guess what, I quit smoking and I now have gum infection, it started 7 days after I quit. It really hurts, I am flossing, rinsing, brushing and adding tea tree to my gums and trying everything I possibly can to make it go away. But so far nothing is helping.

APPARENTLY QUITTING SMOKING IS GOOD FOR ME.

Pissed off.

And last night I noticed I am getting a pimple. Guess where. In my eyelid. I mean who gets a pimple in their eyelid???? That is just abnormal! Must be to do with this quitting smoking again, the 'poisons' are choosing the most interesting places to remove themselves out of my body. I wonder what is next...????

Yesterday, due to being bored all I did was eat. And eat. And eat. I can see where this is going. And since I am so bloody bored today, that is probably all I am gonna do today. That is if my gums allow it. (still pissed off)

So today I am bored, pissed off, depressed, annoyed. But right this moment in time, I don't want a cigarette.

I guess that is something?

Day 14

Pardon my absence, as you know it was the scary surgery few days ago. Man I tell you, the post anesthesia was great, all fuzzed up and confused on cloud no 9.

I was very very scared, but I have to say the lovely danish nurse made me feel lot better and in fact all the staff were great. When I woke up I ripped the breathing tube out the moment I opened my eyes and promply burst into tears. I was just so glad to wake up again! And glad it was all over. Apparently in 4-6 weeks I should be as good as new!

The pain was incredible so the recovery nurse pumped me full of some kinda medicine and rest of the day I felt fine floating about not giving a damn :)

I have been taking it very easy and sleeping a lot, had all my friends take turns looking after me for the 1st 24 hours, so thank you all for that! Still have quite a bit of pain, but painkillers are making it bearable so all is pretty well.

On the day if the surgery, in the evening my housemate and friend were having a cigarette on my back yard. I stumbled out to go and smell the lovely smell and stupidly decided to have one drag of cigarette. Jesus it made me feel sick, I had to go lay down and I felt so poorly for next hour it is untrue.

So, maybe it was stupid. But in a way it was good, cause I don't want to feel like that again, really was horrible and I think it had something to do with the anesthesia after effects. But I want to keep that memory of how sick it made me feel, forefront in my mind, for every single time I want a cig. (which still is worryingly often).

And I have come to the conclusion that although I have stumbled twice, I have not even had 1 full cigarette since I quit, so that is pretty good going! And it is 2 weeks today! Wohoo! SO far I have saved 63 pounds not smoking!

Today I had a new bathroom delivered. The bloke who was delivering it said he can only bring it next to my house, they are not allowed to carry things in etc. So I decided to try my womanly charms. Afterall, I couldn't be carrying all that indoors on my own, just after a bloody surgery now could I? And my dog, well she is useless and would not help me either :)

After chatting to him, and telling him about the surgery and being a single woman all on my own, I had him as putty in my hands. Half an hour later the entire bathroom suite was in my house without me having to lift a finger. Not only that, I also had two very usefull contacts he gave me and I knew his dogs name and what his wife does for living and how much their house cost. That my friends, is how one uses the womanly charms. I believe my sister is coming quite adept at this too. She had to go and buy oil for my brothers Alfa Romeo which she is looking after whilst he is tangoing in Argentina, and she didnt even know how to open the hood.
No problem, skirt and lots of eyelash batting and confused looks at the oil shelf of the gas station and probem was solved in no time when the men jumped to her rescue. I am glad she is learning from her big sis  ;)

I tell you what as well, lot of people have been saying that they have been really enjoying reading the blog, laughing their asses off. But I have now realised the people who have said that have either been smokers, or ex smokers, I guess this hits a spot for them. Where as non smokers havent said much, or at least have not found it funny. LOL.(with the exception of my sister who is my avid reader) I think it takes a smoker to understand my pain, really taste it :D

Well I really have been racking my brain for something funny to say, but I have NOTHING today. Sorry folks, just boring ol crap today.

Foot and mouth disease

The latest in the non-smoking drama unfolds as this stupid day 11 comes to an end (thank god).

I started with really bad sleep last night, kept waking up and then woke up screaming my little head off after a nightmare at exactly 5:30. My poor dog fell out of bed scared of this monsterous looking madwoman with bloodshot eyes, beads of sweat and tears running down my face, and flaping about like a scizophreniac who just escaped from the straightjacket. This dream I have explained in detail to only 2 people and we shall leave it at that as I do not want it shared publicly, but I can assure you, it was horrible. So much so, that I had to text my sister at 6am, just to make sure she was alive and well. She came back few hours later with 'I am alive, but in hell they call work...' which made me feel so much better :D

Needless to say I started my day in a foul mood. And sometimes when you have that kind of start to your day, it just gets worse from there. It did.

It appears that this other woman has taken residence in my body, she bitches and moans about absolutely everything and everyone. (or maybe aliens performed a personality transplant??)
To the point of moaning about people and just to find them stood behind me. Staring. With an evil eye.

In total 3 times I have done that today to my shock and horror, and as this is not normally something I do all the time, I haven't been able to recover the situations in any good way at all, just gone red, turned away and sweated some more. And thought about crying but dismissed it as something that evil bitches like me should not really do, might ruin the image! After the person has walked away, I have been seen self-mutilating, beating my head with my fists, swearing in Finnish and internally screaming at my own idiocy. So I have come to the conclusion that I must have been infected with foot and mouth disease. If I haven't, I think I should. I think a foot in my mouth would be a really good this to get this god damn huge gob shut. Permanently.

I really, really have felt embarassed by this and I probably am creating an army of people who will hate me from this day to eternity. *Sigh* But apprently quitting smoking is good for me. (I keep trying to repeat that mantra over and over again)

I have also noticed that my memory and concentration has completely left me. Good example of this is from this wretched morning, I call a customer and leave a message on his mobile for him to call me back as I want to tell him about a job we have done and ask him something. He calls back exactly 10 minutes later and says 'You called'
I reply 'Did I? No I don't think I did' to which he laughs (luckily I get along with him quite well by now and speak to him daily) and after we repeat the above a few times he actually mimics my voice and my message (actually worryingly well) and only then do I remeber that YES I did ring him and then started the wondering about why did I ring him.(which he found very funny I might add, he did ask me how old I was exactly and when I was due to retire) After further 60 seconds, my brain finally decided to give me a tidbit and I remember what I was supposed to be talking to him about. SO not only have I got foot and mouth disease, I now also have dementia! But apperently quitting smoking is good for me!!
(I wonder if it is good for my job?)

I think tho, to be perfectly honest, part to do with todays disasters is the fact that I am going for a surgery in hospital tomorrow, and those who know me well, also know that my faith in NHS and doctors in general is rather poor, so I have used much of my brain capacity imagining all the possible scenarios of how this surgery could go wrong.

So just for the record, I want to be cremated, ashes can be thrown around Finland in gay abandon to any relevant spots that I may have hang about in my youth. At my funeral everyone needs to get drunk, that is an order! Dancing at tables is optional. So my sister gets my books, she can also have my shoes and clothes PROVIDING she shares them with Minna. And Minna gets the oils and the books about healing and herbs and things.

Dana says she wants the Audi, she is only getting driving lessons now and has promised me that she can damage it in no time, which would be a suitable faith for a 10 year old lady and since it is no good for anyone in Finland with the wheel on wrong side, I think she should have it. (What I am sure she wouldn't like is the 1800 pounds left of the loan to pay heheh!) Apparently she would also like the Wii, but I told her that she would have to have a boxing match with my sister and brother for that. (now that I would like to see!)

Guitar would go to the bro if he comes back alive from Argentina, as well as my technological things like phones, computers and so on. Rest, well there is only debt, so hopefully sale of the house would just about cover those.

So there, one testament, voila!
(Why do people need like lawyers- solicitors to sort these things out, it is very simple?)

After all that, I will probably be just fine and I have made a huge deal about nothing due to my need for cigarettes making every issue BIG. Most likely outcome is that I am fine by Monday and have to return to my rock hard SAS training schedule (LOL).

So that's it. I am off to see what horrors Champix has on the box office for me tonight!

Taraa!

PS: The picture in the beginning was rather suited for todays mood, I would really have needed that ONE smoke, just the one and all my worries would have floated away.

Day 9

Took a bit of a break from blogging, just been busy.
Day 5 was after all easiest out of the lot. That came as a surprise, but I think I had my worse time for days 2-3.

I tell you what pissed me off though. Went to the non-smoking group and there was 5 others who had recently quit. And every single one of them was saying how easy it was, they didnt want a cig at all and it had all been like a lovely picnic in a park on a sunny day. (wtf?)

I could have strangled every single one of them, surely they must have been lying?
So I was the only one who said it was damn hard and I was really struggling, while rest of them just smiled at me smuggly. Great support group that is!

Now, the desparate need for cigarettes hits me once every hour or two, which is of course improvement from every 2 minutes. I had to go and buy one of these nicotine inhalor things just to help a bit as I keep coming so close to just going and having a cigarette. Now I suck on this thing and the need goes away for a little while. (like a baby I seem to need a dummy!)

Now I have a confession to make. Day 8 broke me. I caved in and had half a cigarette. I was so depressed, one of those slit the wrists moods that was very scary. So I had it, felt disapointed in myself, enjoyed it so much I can't put it to words, but felt slightly sick afterwards and the lingering taste of it was not nice at all.

But so, so, so disapointed. Thus followed the self bollocking and feelings of uselessness and failure. After a while of that I decided that enough is enough, one can fall and get back up again, so in the end went to bed last night with renewed will and drive to do this.

I just wish it gets easier from here. I do not want to spend the rest of my life feeling depressed and thinking about cigarettes, hell no!

I find myself being very bored or annoyed all the time, I am guessing this is part of the process and will pass at some point.

Maybe I really should take up knitting? :)

Day 4 for crying out loud!

Today one of my customers said; ‘Oh you sound like you need a cigarette’ That was it, I nearly burst into tears there and then. In fact I would have done if there was any liquid left in my body, but seems I am sweating it all out.

That is not the worst of it though, my sense of smell is improving and this sweating menopausal thing I have going on just now, well it is like mans underwear after heavy exercise left into sports bag to fester for few weeks, after which it has been rolled in some cigarette ash and some dog shit and a drop of cat piss been thrown in for a good measure- kind of smell. I fully understand that it is all that disgusting poison coming out of my pores that I have been putting into it for last 22 years. But did it have to happen on a day when the temperature is hitting +27C? I mean honestly! And although I knew this was going to happen, was I smart enough to slip a deodorant into my handbag? NO!

So what could I do? Just sit very quietly in the office, reduce arm movements to minimum and smile apologetically at regular intervals.

Heh, I wonder if that smell will improve when I go for my attempt of running again tonight?

Meanwhile my skin is wondering what the hell is going on and protesting very loudly by placing a gigantic zit in the middle of my forehead, and just to make sure it gets noticed, the damn thing won’t burst even if I hit it with a hammer and chisel.

I have now added nicorette gum to my arsenal. Yesterday after writing my blog, a friend called and I literally screamed at her ‘I NEEEEEEED CIGARETTE OR I WILL KILL SMALL INNOCENT CHILDREN’. She was surprisingly understanding, told me to hold on for 20 minutes and shut up.

Moments later she stormed in from the door and ran to me and shoved nicorette gum down my throat. And then patted my head and said ‘there there’. After that she took me to the garden, lit up a cigarette and kept blowing the smoke my way as I whimpered like a homeless puppy. It got even funnier when I kept saying to her ‘Blow me, blow more’ and suddenly neighbor peeked over the fence grinning like a village idiot (typical man…pah!)

According to my non-smoker group leader, I am not supposed to have Champix and nicorette. Apparently it is defeating the object. I disagree, smoking a cig is defeating the object ‘Miss I will help you stop smoking although I have never smoked myself’. So There!
On Wednesday when we have our meeting I will be putting her to the right. Almost (but only almost) feel sorry for her as this week she will have 6 people there who have all quit in the past 7 days, it could play out like a murder mystery evening :D

On a positive note, Man my taste buds are alive, I have never enjoyed a boring sandwich as much as I did today, it was like a gourmet meal on silver platter served by tanned gorgeous Diet Coke man! I am now considering having to go to all my favorite restaurants to try all my favorite foods again, they will be even better! Anybody care to join me on a restaurant eating spree??

SO today has been as hard as yesterday and I have been advised by other quitters that tomorrow will either make it or break it.
So to avoid failing tonight, I have promised myself that after my pathetic attempt of running I will go and buy a bottle of wine and drink it fast. My body needs some poison so alcohol will be it!

Day 3

I think they are right when they say the 3rd and 5th day is the hardest. Today has been totally shit, I nearly caved in 2 minutes ago, 10 minutes ago and an hour ago. I am now blood thirsty and just looking for an excuse to have a smoke.

I have been so pleased with myself so far but now, I am just a slave to my cravings, almost willing to sell my soul to devil if I could have just one smoke without anyone knowing. But I promised myself when I started this blog that I would be perfectly honest and I would hate to be telling you I had to have one. (What a stupid thing to promise! Me and my stupid principals!)

But I don't know how much longer I will last.Truly.

On more interesting note, so far today I have raised 152 pounds for my SAS Survival Challenge Charity pot. Everyone at work has been willing to put something in, I think it is because they know just by looking at me that I will be the laughing stock of the group :D

So I decided to start my so called 'training' for this thing today. So off we went with the dog, and I started running after a while of walking, 30 seconds later I was quite literally dying! SO back to walking again. My god how can a person get in such a pathetic shape?? I managed 2 more spurts of 30 seconds of running and that is all I can do. In SAS terms that would be the gentle stretching before the actual excersise! (Oh dear)

But we all have to start somewhere, we will see if I can imporove on that a little...in 6 weeks, maybe I will manage and entire 5 minutes of running, that would be something... Muhhahaa!

I did manage to do 20 push-ups and 70 abs after, and that is my contribution of the day!

At work my colleague (male one of course) has this stress toy which is a shape and feel of a womans breast, I asked to borrow it so it would distract me from my cigarette cravings. 2 hours later it broke... I broke a man boob! Good heavens...if even a stress toy won't last, how will I????????????

All this ranting managed to distract me exactly for 5 minutes and now I need a cigarette again.

Can someone just hit me with a baseball bat please?