Day 5 - It really is the real day 1- It's a new dawn, it's a new day!

Just got back from SAS meeting (=AA for smokers) had a very good session and nice to hear all the stories again. This time I decided I would give the group the address to this blog so maybe they can laugh, cry, comment and share the journey with me. As for everyone else reading, please do share the link on facebook, would be nice to reach some people who might be thinking of quitting and hear stories from those who already have.

Today is really the real day 1 as I have not fallen into the same pitfall as I did Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. Altho I only had one cigarette each day instead of 20, it still isn't really a proper non-smoking day. So I dont know if I should start the count from today or keep to day 5 as I have been to hell and back in the last 5 days and today finally feels like the turning point when things have been little easier, I have been more positive and the lollipops have tasted fab. Also my sense of smell has returned properly already. I was walking past colleagues desk smelled her toffee yogurt like it was actually in my mouth. It was a crazy feeling, week ago I would not have smelled that aroma at all.

I am still craving cigarettes very regularly, but I don't have the murderous sheen in my eyes or the shakes and sweat running off me like Niagra.

So I am enjoying this moment , having a chill out evening at home and looking forward to going out tomorrow evening to a live gig at Sowerby Bridge and Mind, Body and Spirit Fair in Leeds Saturday or Sunday.

I am rapidly running out of Chupa Chups Mini lollies so will stock up tomorrow, I have inhaler, dog ate the last one last night but I got 2 more now to suck on inbetween the lollies.

My chest infection is finally shifting and feeling better for that too.

So far I have saved £28 in the past 5 days! WOW!

So a good day. (about time I hear you sigh after all that moaning, not to worry I am sure I will find things to complain about again in the next few days!!)

Cigarettes 0
Wine 0
F-words used 0
Dates: One planned :)
Music: No time
Chupa Chups consumed: 3
Upset customers: 0

Ta Taa!

Day 4 *Sigh*

The name of the blog shoud really be smoking Miia.

I just think it  would be more apt. I am just a SUCKER!

When I quit Saturday I had 6 cigarettes left. That was a mistake, I should have thrown them in the bin for sure. Monday, Tuesday and today I have had to have 1 of them after work. There has been nothing I could have done to stop myself apart from not having them in the house in the first place. So there was still 3 left, I have now thrown them in the bin an hour ago. Better late than never I suppose.

I think due to the above I have made this much harder for myself. I have struggled everyday, all day. work has been hellishly busy and today was the first time I was heard shouting the f-word very loudly (even scared myself to be honest!)

I am now sat here hugging a very cold bottle of wine in my shaking sweaty hands. Yep you guessed it, the sweats are back. I would imagine the room temperature is +19-20C right now which is perfectly normal and I am sweating like I was in Peruvian jungle climbing a very steep mountain with a mountain goat with a silly beard strapped to my back.

I feel very uncomfortable but at this point there is no point for a shower as it would be rendered pointless 10 minutes after it. So I will sit here until it damn well stops and then have a shower.

I am wondering if I should take a suitcase of clothes to work tomorrow and do the 8 hour show with hourly costume changes? That would confuse people!

Also I am feeling like the most anti-social person in the world. I spent the whole weekend alone and have been alone every evening this week. On one hand this has been planned as every single friend I have smokes and it is probably good I have tried to stay away from temptation this first week so I haven't contacted anyone to do anything. But now I feel extra down and like Billy-No-Mates.

Mind you, right now I am cranky, smelly and depressed so who the heck would want to keep me company anyhow? Even the dogs are keeping their distance this evening!

Jheezuz I can moan, most of this really is the quitting smoking, I really am not this negative and depressed all the time, I swear!!!

Thats it, I am going away, back into my little box since I have nothing whatsoever positive to say.

Cigarettes: 1
Wine: glass No 2 on the go right now
Music: None
Dates: Don't even go there!
Food: Lots of mini Chuba Chubbs lollypops and other junk
Excersise: Naah, De Nada.
*Sigh*

Day 2 - Frikk-a-geddon

I thought I was cruising along pretty nicely, I got somewhere around lunchtime before I was having hard time. It was really busy at work all day which was good, then this afternoon I had the pleasure to be shouted at by one customer for 20 minutes solid without me much getting a word in edgeways. I held the phone 50cm away from my head and half the office could hear him shouting, thats how pleasant it was. I did do pretty well not to lose my marbles and shout back, it was knife edge moment for sure. From that moment on I was not in a happy place at all and was thinking of various ways of murdering customers very slowly and painfully while having this crazy sheen in my bloodshot eyes.

I did march into bosses office first thing this morning, asked him if he has been told about swearing, bullying silly co-worker and he said he had heard and words with him have been had. I told him that should he try a similar episode this week that I would punch his lights out, the boss said to give him a nod before I do it and he will turn his back :D I did explain that I am likely to be stressed and on edge due to giving up smoking, just wanted to give him heads up before I do something really bad (I am likely, afterall I did mess up rather royally few things last time round) So at least I have advance warned him. Ha, I now have free reign of crazy!!! *I wish*

I also lost all concentration, it's what I like to call the goldfish moment, apart from the fact that it lasts for few days rather than a moment. This is what really will get me into trouble if anything. I just loose the ability to concentrate at all, in fact you can say something and quite literally seconds later I am asking you what you said. This on a breakdown desk is not good, you need to remember stuff when shit hits the fan and you have 25 juggling balls up in the air. I will the ADHD kid for a week or two I am afraid and there ain't nothing much I can do about it.

 I got into my car when work finished, sped off tires screeching from work, pulled over to Tesco and bought some wine and as I was standing at the till, remebered half a dozen things that I was supposed to have done before leaving office, all urgent. The cashier looked somewhat offfended and surprised as I let go various of swear words while getting my money out to pay for my shopping. I then blushed, apologised and started sweating and ran into the car. I sat there for few minutes considering if I should go back to work, or ignore it and do it all properly tomorrow. I decided it would have to wait, however being a fairly responsible person who likes to do her job well, by the time I got home I had played all the possible scenarios in my head of the boss calling me to the office and shouting at me, the co-workers being pissed off having to mop up after me and so on and forth that I dashed in, grabbed the dogs and my emergency fag supply and went to the park and had a cigarette.

It did taste rather awful, I am disapointed, but I am not going to beat myself over the head with it. I am not going to have another today if I can resist, or tomorrow if I am able. That is a far as I am willing to think about it at this moment in time. Just doing the best I can, one cigarette at a time. Right now I have had a lovely home made lasagne for dinner and could murder the head of state for just one cigarette but I will keep resisting. Also I am thinking that normally in the past 2 days I would have had approx 35 cigarettes, so one isn't really that bad.

But this quitting business is damn hard, who ever says it isn't is bloody lying and has obviously never smoked.

On a bright note, my chinese lodger and me had a first long nice chat, talked about english food, chinese food, is there really still the law in china about people only being allowed 1 child, (yes in the cities, poor people on coutry side can have as many as they want but mostly they starve as having too many when youre too poor means you all starve) and that the mainland china government has decided that facebook and twitter are banned, so you have to pirate, get a special software to get into facebook and twitter and you could get arrested or fined very heavily for doing it.(HONESTLY!!! Freedom of information my ass!!) And the unfairness of how hard it is to get a visa for a chinese person who just wants to holiday in Europe. And then we had discussion about how much things cost, like food and living. She then tasted my lasagne, I tasted her chicken with celery and both decided that both were awsome. Very enlightening indeed. It's good to bond.

Oh forgot as well, someone broke into my house last night. I woke up to dogs barking at 4am. Thought nothing of it and went back to sleep. Got up in morning and wondered why garden gate was open and why someone had moved my flowerpots from my window to the wall next to it. Put it all back as it was supposed to be, sat down with my coffee and then the realisation hit me: (yep, me dumb bitch, took me full 10 minutes) The window was wide open, they had moved the flowerpots so they could stand on the windowsil to climb in. Then I dashed around the downstairs madly, see if anything was missing. Nothing was. So the dogs barking had driven them away. THANK GOD! So pondering and fretting over this most of the morning drew my attention away from the fact that I didn't have a cigarette with my morning coffee. But very worrying that...this neighbourhood just lately had not been so great!!

And on that note, I smell very bad so I will go for a hot shower and wash my worries away, until whatever.

Cigarettes: 1
Wine: 1 bottle
Food: cereal, yogurt,pasta, bag of crips 25g, lasagne
Dates with elidgable bachelors: 0
Good chats with chinese people: 1
FreewayCER manuals printed: 4
Upset customers: 1
Music: Apocalyptica (to get the agro out) and Cafe Del Mar 20th Anniversary album to try and find my ZEN!
Excersise: what fucking excersise???? piss off! what can I eat next????

Day 1

Sunday 14:28
Somewhere around 2 am last night I decided to have my last cigarette and since I had 6 left in the packet, I decided to write on them and have them as my emergency stash. Probably not wise but I was not able to throw them in a bin.
It is now 12.5 hours since I had my last cigarette, but I have only been awake for just over and hour so I am sure there is some interesting times ahead for the day.

I know I should be keeping busy today, but after being a very busy bee yesterday and having some wine last night, I feel shattered. I did sleep for 11 hours so really should be full of beans but not the case.

I have decided that if I manage smokefree for a month, I will get myself Samsung Galaxy s3. I need a nice goal and I really want one of those!

14:57 vacuumed downstairs. Bored and want a cigarette.

15:34 did 100 abdominal cruches and messed about with dumb bells. Bored.

16:10 Had dinner, still want a cigarette. Jesus this day is taking forever! Good thing I am going to work tomorrow, and I hope it will be busy so I can just get my head down and work through. I am hoping that I dont get the usual throwing up and trots of day 2, since that could be teeny weeny bit challenging at work!

18:50 Very very nearly caved in. Been telling myself that maybe the process would be easier if I had just one cigarette a day for few days. Thats the addiction talking. Did FreewayCER tapping, that made it pass for now. Watched Horrible Bosses movie and didn't think much of it, in fact the little bloke whining was really getting on my nerves LOL
Walked the dogs as well, that was ok, only time today when I wasnt thinking about fags. I am thinking another movie and then take-away. And then bed and end to this stupidly long day. Altho I have only been awake 6 hours, would prefer to put the whole day behind me already!

21:05 Second movie watched, take-away demolished. I think I am gonna go to be cause otherwise I will end up smoking one.

Good Nite x

Cigarettes 0
Wine 0
Dates 0
Music 0
Movies: Horrible Boss and Four Lions, both rubbish.
Excersise: 2 walks, abs and arms given workout.
Gosh what a boring life I live!

Doomsday is a coming!

Yes I know the title of this post is not gramattically correct but it is a little Miia humour insider thingy few people may get (mainly the finns and some folk maybe from Yorkshire) and others will think, gosh, she can't even write properly. It has surprised me that I have readers from all sorts of places, like California, Amsterdam and China. So hello all you strangers and welcome to my nutty little world, hope you pull a pew and stay for a while and send me messages along the way.

I have just been to the non-smokers and smokers thinking about becoming non-smokers group hug meeting at the Library, from this point on will shall call it the SAS meeting, why??? because it sounds SO much cooler, and because I am damned if I will write all THAT everytime and it kinda stands for Smokers Anononymous Support, which I am sure makes sense on a grand scale! In my head anyway.

All week I have been dreading this coming Sunday, which is going to be THE DAY when I quit. New month, new life. I have to say,  in the past I have not been so keen on this group thing, but there is something about it when you listen to all these people, some are just about to quit like me, some have quit 4 days ago, some 4 weeks ago, some 10 weeks ago. They all tell you positive stuff and also things they strguggle with. And rather than feeling apprehensive I am feeling more motivated after tonights meeting, after listening to all those stories. And I recall the fantastic feeling when you had been 4 weeks without, the worst was over and you felt like a true Champion. I want to feel that again. And the feeling after 8 weeks. Top of the world. Therein lies a pitfall though, this is when you start to think that on one weak moment you can have one cigarette as you are so strong, nope, no good.

The cravings will come, they will come weeks, months, years later in the strangest of circustances and places. So from some kind of strange place inside my very soul I have to find that WILL to say NO, everytime.

Now I know my pitfalls, I know if I have one cigarette, I will have another and soon I will be back to the old habits again. So I have to be really hard on myself. I know that it gets easier after the first 7 days, I just need to get thru that hell somehow first and focus on that just now and then things will get little easier. And then I have to create this gi-normous all powerful NO that I will keep telling myself when those random cravings come.

I have had quite a bad chest infection for few weeks and every cigarette physically hurts right now and I need to remember that too. And I need to remember that I have had 4 colds this year alone and 4 sets of anibiotics, that is some kind of ridiculous and I am not going to get anibiotics this time, I will suffer thru and quit this bad habit and hope that 2014 I could have a year when I don't get any chest infections.

There was a man in the meeting who has smoked for 57 years. He is quitting next week too. As a joke he said 'because I am not ready to let my kids to cash in on that life insurance yet' I was listening to the things he said and I think he will struggle with this first attempt, but I would very much like to see him succeed, it would give me some real bounce too. Mind you as he seemed quite apprehensive and little negative but then another told his story, he had been without cigratettes for 9 weeks and he had smoked 50 years and he was happy, bouncy, positive and told us both we can do it. Good going Mick!

Work was little bit interesting today too, if all this happens on a day next week, I don't know how I might react. Had a ding dong with a lazy ass co-worker who could not be bothered to do something and decided that I was the best target to fob it off on, when he told me he was busy I told him I was very busy with breakdowns too but since he can't be arsed I will find some time to do it (in very sarcastic and slightly raised voice I might add) This resulted in him swearing and effin and blinding and going back to his desk where I am guessing fu**ing bitch and few other choice words escaped him under his breath as few other people heard him, I missed most of it, as I was actually genuienly busy and answered the phone for umpteenth time with a cheerfull voice as you do.

It did piss me off somewhat but it didn't really shake me majorly, I was too effin busy to let it. It took me 40 minutes to do what he could not bother to do instead of getting on with urgent breakdowns and invoicing which would have be far more important considering it is nearly end of the month. But no. Maybe tomorrow. If he pulls a trick like that next week when I am struggling with my cravings and stress levels at all time high, I will just punch his lights out. I know I will. SO hope he is smart enough to keep his mouth shut and stay well away from me.

Todays nicknames didn't end there, I am apparently also the Ice Maiden and big lesbian, this though came along as a joke from a co-worker who can get away with it and quite highly amused me.I was laughing with tears in my eyes as I walked away from work.

Just for the record however, I am very straight and the person who called me lesbian is very gay :)

I suppose considering that I have been single througout the 4 years with the company, I bet there are few people wondering if I really do have a lesbian harem at home, or that maybe I have had the snip like my dogs, or, OMG, maybe I am one of those gender challenged people who feel they were born in a wrong body.

Who knows. I know so much that people at our place talk a lot behind everyones back and some things are true, some opinions and some very grand speculations. And most do watch the embarassing bodies (me included)!!!

All I can say in that matter is that 6 years single, somewhere in the region of 25-30 first dates, one stalker and 3 failed attempts at a short lived relationship have not turned me into a lesbian. Yet.

Just few other pointless factoids to finish this evenings bran vomit:
Cigarettes smoked today 14
Dates 0
Wine consumed 1 bottle (this week thats all, however I do anticipate this number to increase rather dramatically on the next 2 weeks,((hence recording it)) I learnt last time that one needs to replace the cravings with either food or alcohol and considering my weight at this current moment alcohol would seem the more sensible option)
Lesbian sex 0 (just for the record)
Excersise: nope, nothing, just 2 short walks with dogs.
Music of the day: 3 Doors down Album: The better life 2007

Do tell me if there are other useless facts you would like to know about my life in my factoid file, I will be doing one now in the end of every post.

I will also be keeping food & excersise diary from Sunday, just so I can keep tabs on things, like weight gain that is inevitable unless I am at least partly sensible and start to do some excersise to collide with the non-smoking thing. That will link to my facebook, it's fitness something or rather so will keep that separate from here, unless you insist?

So once again, in the typical Miia fashion, I decide to revamp my entire life.
And you get to listen to the whine and moan when I fail, I am likely to fail at least one, maybe two, but I am damned if I fail at all three.

Besides if you don't have goals, where the hell are you headed???

Once I have done this shit out of the way, I will look into revamping rest of my life, but that is another story all together.

Thank for listening my little munchkins, have a great evening, I am gonna have a fag since I still can. Do say hello and do, oh please do comment or click that box right at the bottom, that says stupid, boring, barking mad etc. Pretty Please :D


(No way, I did spell check...there is no red underlined words, either I am AWSOME (came out in very high octave voice) or this spell check ain't very good!!!)

3rd time lucky?

Well then my dear readers from all nooks and crannies of the globe. The BITCH is back.

I have been smoking like a small but very effective chimney for the past year and half. If I recall I didn't record in the blog the little incident that happened with The Evil Head Nurse of my local surgery which really drove me off the edge. I rang the queen of EVIL and asked for some help to continue on my journey to becoming a non smoker at that given time, after all in 8 months prior this devastating phone call, I had been a non-smoker for 6 months, which in my books is pretty good going for first EVER serious attempt.
Her exact words were ' Well you obviously didn't do a good job and you might as well smoke for another year since you didn't even put any effort in. I am not giving you anything until you rethink this whole thing and ring me back in a year'

I do believe I called her 'saatanan huora' which is not a very nice thing to call anybody, luckily it was Finnish so she did not have a clue, and put the phone down, ever so gently as you can imagine.

So after all this, I just thought fuck it. (and may I now at this point remind all the sensitive readers who can not handle profanities galore, to surf along now and find some pretty unicorns or something and nobody gets hurt. This is and will be my vent yet again and I will not censure anything that comes out of these fingertips)

SOOOO I have been thinking, and thinking, and thinking that I should quit again. Haven't been very motivated at all so seemed there was no point. I am still not very motivated but for some reason on Monday I decided it is time to make that appointment. I went to see my old group nurses today. I told them everything and what I wanted to do. They were very supportive, patted my back, asked me a billion questions, made me feel special by telling me I did so well last time and that I could do it again, just all those things that the EVIL bitch from hell should have said at the time and maybe I could now have been a non-smoker for 2 years.

Anyhow, better late than never.

So I have dropped off my letter to the doctors surgery to get my 1st two weeks supply of Champix again; I should get that magical packet into my hands sometime beginning of next week. Then I need to decide what day is it that I am officially going to become non-smoker again.

(damn, repeatedly typing non-smoker makes me want to have a cigarette, just a moment....)

Incredibly, I can't recall really enjoying a cigarette in the past year and a half, but since Monday this week when I decided to take the first tiny step towards non-smoking lifestyle, every single cigarette tastes magnificently delicious. Sods law.

I have just now decided my quit date. It will be 1.7.2012, this gives me 16 days to get my head into some form of shape for doing this and it gives me 16 long days to smoke to my hearts content, until I say goodbye to a lifelong friend and comforter.

Now what I need from you, yes you there in your little computer screen or mobile phone reading this, is support, may it be the genuine support, point and laugh at my pathetic post or just saying hello, I need YOU to be with me on this journey, so please people post a comment, any comment, however rude, pointless, supportive, stupid, irrelevant or obscene it may be, just comment, anything at all.

See I considered not writing a blog this time, and considered not telling anyone that I am even going to do this, but  I think, if I am to have any chance here of success at all, I need to publish and need to share, and should I fail again, it can be as epic of a fail as it was last time.
Cause that's the way I roll.

So little munchkins, do tune in, do comment and do laugh, cry and try to cope with the oncoming brain vomit written badly with a slight Finnish accent and plenty of profanity.

Let my pain be your amusement.

So mote it be.

Pointless

Oh that went well, lasted about 3 days and back smoking again.

I think it is pointless writing this blog anymore. I can't seem to do anything but fail.
Perhaps pain from the surgery and the diet I started is a big enough chunk for me at this moment in time.
SO for now I am giving up the giving up.

Epic fail, the nicotine WINS.
Miia 0- Nicotine 3

I think I took too big of a bite to eat and maybe I need to mentally be in a better place to succeed.
Very pissed of with myself and disapointed.

I am useless, hopeless, stupid and pathetic.