Day 53 - Confession

“Warriors of light are not perfect. Their beauty lies in accepting this fact and still desiring to grow and to learn.” ― Paulo Coelho, Warrior of the Light


Those of you who know me well, also know that I am a big fan of Paulo Coelho. His books are quite amazing and you always have moments of self discovery no matter which book you read. Each one of them is different and yet enjoyable. I read the The Alchemist first and then promptly went and bought all rest of them.

So we have had one major fall down on day 51. The strangest thing is there was really no valid reason for it what so ever. It was Monday, I had really wanted a cigarette since Friday, for some peculiar reason. Before that, weeks had gone past and I was not really bothered at all about people smoking around me. So off to the supermarket I went and bought a pack of 10. I smoked one and it tasted horrible. I then proceeded to have 3 more the same evening before I came to my senses and gave rest of the packet to my friend to take away from me.

I was furious with myself all day yesterday, I did also have few other things that seriously pissed me off happen but those are too personal to be mentioning here. So it was hell hath no fury like a Miia the day after the relapse. If I had written this entry yesterday, it would have been riddled with swearwords. I was really annoyed but I did not fancy a cigarette. Nor do I want one now. So after beating myself up all day about it, I realized there is no point in that, I had a fall, I make mistakes, now I just pick myself back up and carry on. I am only a human. (How very adult of me..hahah)

So another Paulo quote comes to mind…

“I’ve been through all this before,’ he says to his heart. “ ‘Yes, you have been through all this before,’ replies his heart. ‘But you have never been beyond it.” ― Paulo Coelho, Warrior of the Light

So really gonna say, yup, still struggling on, now I have to face my smokers meeting and tell them all what a bad girl I have been, but I am as determined as ever to carry on, fuck it, shit happens and then you just keep going.

“A Warrior knows that an angel and a devil are both competing for his sword hand. The devil says: "You will weaken. You will not know exactly when. You are afraid." The angel says: "You will weaken. You will not know exactly when. You are afraid." The Warrior is surprised. Both the angel and the devil have said the same thing. The devil continues: "Let me help you." And the angel says: "I will help you." At that moment the Warrior understands the difference. The words may be the same but these two allies are completely different. And he chooses the angel's hand.” ― Paulo Coelho, Warrior of the Light

Day 38 - Mobile time!

So sorry my dear readers for being too busy to write here, I bet half of you thought I started up again! I know you did!!!
Well I didn't and haven't had even one fall down since I last wrote. I have been angelic good girl, well, at least in the cigarette smoking sector anyhow.

I promised myself a new mobile phone if I managed a month without cigarettes so I ordered my new singing and dancing Samsung Galaxy S3 today and should have it in my less yellow fingertips tomorrow, can't wait!!! It is like Christmas for me. So just a note to friends, if you get umpteen pointless text messages from me in the next few days, this is why :)

I had amazing holiday in Finland which included cuddling cute babies, riding a stallion, being nearly hit by lightning, swimming 10 times, barbecuing 5 times, sitting by campfire 3 times, getting far too drunk twice, going to sauna 5 times, shopping, eating like a pig everyday, spending quality time with friends and family, seeing few live bands, cutting 2 peoples hair, training 10 new therapists, taking 250 photos. Among other things.

I lost one of my fancy electronic cigs, that pissed me off somewhat, but mostly I am coping without it anyhow, I am maybe having a puff once or twice a day if things get dicey, which the don't that much any more.

I think about cigarettes and smelling other people smoking is part torture, part enjoyable. But instead of desperately wanting one everyday we are now down to having really hard time once or twice a week. In the last 7 days it has been precisely twice and I managed thru both times.

I just gotta stay vigilant, yesterday was the difficult moment with the 12 hours travel and a few things going wrong in the process and upon arrival to the UK, but I said to myself no and even tho my electronic cig had dead battery from previous day so I didn't even have that backup, I still managed.

So now I have to move on to more healthy diet and exercise regime as the weigh has been piling on like mad. So today I took to work grapes, banana and salad. And my tummy was rumbling like mad all day. I then made low carb dinner with chicken with loads of veg in satay sauce. And I am still hungry. I could eat a horse. But I wont, however tomorrows lunchbox will have to have some more real stuff in it as I ended up having some chocolates because I was starving.

This bit will be somewhat challenging based on day 1.

Anyhow, bed is calling, just wanted to say hello, still here, battling on one day ta a time.

Ironically, right this moment in time I am listening to Imelda Mays 'Smokers song'

Still Day 21- The Travellers Edition

So yeah, that's the cute nail stuff all over and done with. Now I need to unload. Fuck me it has been hard last 36 hours. I have wanted a cigarette all the time. Continuously. I have had pretty intense days at work and also is the dreaded time of the month but still I was thinking that by the time you get to 3 weeks all should be a toddle. It's fecking not.

(Writers note: changes chill out collection music to heavy rock in midst of writing)

WHY, WHY...OH WHY???? Is this so damn hard. Only thing I am impressed about today is the fact that I have not had a cigarette. And I am likely not to have one as every single establishment is closed right now which is a good thing.

I have been keeping myself ridiculously busy just to keep mind off the smoking, I am on the go from 6 am like a Duracell bunny and don't stop until I drop and have some wine or fall asleep.

That seems to be the only way I can cope with it just now. The stress levels at work are the highest I have EVER experienced so in one way I am doing one fecking amazing job still not smoking.

I was SO cranky this morning and when my Saturday morning at work turned to hell instead of a nice calm time to catch up with paperwork, I was little unpleasant with the last customer and I am afraid there will be manager wanting to speak to me come Monday morning but really, I invite them to chew my ass off just so that I can finally let a few home truths out that they should be hearing, the whole place is falling apart and they aren't even realising how badly.

So I drive towards Halifax like Kimi Raikkonen much to some Saturday drivers annoyance. I dashes off to the pet food store to get 3 weeks supply on dog food and tries to find flea and mite treatment for dogs, they only had bad looking stuff so off I went to another pet store. They had lot's of stuff but real expensivee. So then I drove to my vets. Got worming and flee treatment for both and nearly fainted when she told me it was £70( Should have gone for the stuff I THOUGHT was expensive...Cheezuz). Anyhow got it and treated both. Then spent 2 hours brushing them both and then going over inch by inch on a nit comb, just to be sure. Poppy had loads, Faith had none, yet Faith is scratching like no tomorrow and has dandruff..  Then made all sorts of aromatherapy oil mixes and sprayed the entire house and the dogs. Then cooked, then did nails, then did laundry. Then sat down on this computer and opened a bottle of wine.

I WANT A CIG so bad. It is not humanly possible to keep myself any busier than I am. I have not watched tv hardly at all in the past 3 weeks, apart from 1 episode of gypsy weddings and one on embarrassing bodies. That's 2 hours of telly in 21 days. Pretty god damn amazing. But if I did I would be bored as I am not DOING anything and go off to the shop on an advert break to get fags.

So if I am not physically busy I need to be mentally occupied, hence this silly blog. Distracts me for a while.

Oh and between doing my nails and waiting for each layer to dry I was dancing like that chick in Flashdance. I figured that might count as exercise. I was panting my much cleaner lungs off after so maybe that was a good thing.

Thank god for the electronic cig, If I didn't have that we would be gone to the smoking land, Champix or no Champix. Last 36 hours it has not been  satisfying as I want the real deal. But it is the thing that gets me NOT to go to the shop and buy some.

And I can confirm that mixed fruit flavour is ok, apple is shit and vanilla is still great. But that's all a case of personal preference.and matter of taste. I think I need to get the whiskey or rum flavour for weekends. LOL.

~Nail Break~

Tried nail art on toes, didn't look too good. Painted them all purple. Fuck it.
*That only killed 10 minutes* ~Sigh~

I could really be packing since I am going in 72 hours but I can't seem to get motivated.I am instead drinking wine and listening to heavy metal.( Right now the lyrics are saying'If you were dead or alive, I don't care, just gonna leave it all behind'...rather apt for my mood, but I really am not that kind of person in real life, Just kind of hard to explain to people that I am spiritual and do care but like heavy rock...hmmm. In fact I care so much it is painful, about people, about the state of the planet and the way this world is) After travelling so much in my past the packing is done in the head. Ie, I am thinking about things I need to take at random intervals, I am not writing them down as that would be for sissies, so I think about various things I need to take, What in reality happens is that I take far too much, half won't be used and forget things that I really should have taken. I am used to that bit now and should really resist that last minute 'throw just one more pair of everything in since we got room' move. I know better, I am a travelling veteran and yet I still do it every time. It is though my very proud things to announce that I will pack Monday night in 30 minutes. Women normally take days to do that. especially for 2 week break. Why bother, do it slow or fast you are gonna forget something, no matter how hard you think, how ever many lists you write and all that stuff that some English women iron will look like the iron wasn't even invented by the time they pull it out from the bags at the destination.

Let me give you Miia's special tip, take it from a woman who has lived and worked in 11 different countries and at one point lived out of 2 suitcases for 4 years living in hotels due to my work...what you need is 80% of your clothes need to be stuff that don't need ironing. Keep buying stuff that really does not need it. OMG and yes, I have met women who iron underwear and jeans. WTF??? WHYYYY? you love ironing that much? Get a life. I mean REALLY...get a life, do anything, just do jumping jacks if nothing else comes to mind. Apparently it is the best form of exercises in the world as it gives the entire body hell of a workout. But then again who wants to do jumping jacks all the time. And this brings me to the point, why would you want to spend 3rd of your life ironing your frikking underwear? Really do get a grip ladies in the nicest way.

As for rest of the travelling tips...when I close the door and I am about to lock it to go for good I check few things: Wallet and passport and tickets. Rest can be bought but missing one of those 3 causes some real shit that you really don't wanna deal with. Just 3 things, Simple. Rest is easily organised.

Do I ever buy a travel insurance...No. I would if I was going outside Europe but can't see the point when inside Europe. I have flown approximately 250  times in last 20 years and have never needed it. I have always got free medical attention, always had lost luggage delivered to where it should do. So if we call that insurance for example measly £10 per flight, I have saved £2500. This in dollars for my American audiences is $3900 and for my Europeans 3200 euros.

So I guess I can have one disaster. Not that I will. But I could. So fuck it.

I feel very anti-social right now. I have not spoken a single word in last 12 hours since leaving work at midday. Very strange. Probably good since I have been on a Very foul mood. But makes me think that entire world could end and I would not be informed. Hmm. I think this is only due to the fact that I spend my entire working day talking and this week I have been on the phone or talking to friends face to face every single evening so this is rather peculiar.

Cigarettes: 0 and has been for weeks and weeks and weeks....
Music: shit loads.
Alter Bridge, Nickleback, Nirvana, The Offspring, Rains, The 69 Eyes, Fall Out Boy, The soup Dragons.
The dancy bit while doing nails>
Basement Jaxx, Trains, Guary & Clayton, Katy Perry, Alexandra Stan, Yello (jungle Bill, oh yeahhhh) Moves like Jagger by Maroon 5 and good ol Christina,  Tequila by ALT & The lost civilisation, Beyonce, Donna Summer and so on and on.
At work on Internet radio: Radio Nova with some finn pop.
Muchos music today.
Upset customers: 1
Level of being pissed off: 100% (bonkers as I am soon off on holiday, I know. Just a moaning bitch)
Food: Yeah still eating like a little piggy, eating things in technicolour is great, I feel and taste the frikking rainbow, I swear! Right now I am munching on second almond croissant of the day....let's not mention the rest. I have discovered if you close your eyes when you're eating. it even intensifies the flavour and makes you concentrate on it and enjoy it slower. If I can only get this to apply to fruit and veg...LOL

Day 21 - Nailing it or having a cigarette. I'll nail it.

I was just looking at my traffic to this blog and seems North America and Alaska are highest up on the visitors. That's fantastic considering I am from Finland and wring this from the UK. Hello guys!!!!If you compare this world 20 years ago, it would just not have been physically possible. I love technology. And nails. Oh I haven't told you all that my hobby for pretty much the duration of the various quit attempts has been nail art. (The male readers may jump the next post where the will be plenty of moaning a bitching and swearwords and not too much about nails)

It all started with a Lithuanian friend who likes to make nail art rather than paying 20-30 pounds, dollars, euros, whatever once a week she figred it is not that hard. So I got her to do mine every now and then. Then I thought it is not that hard really and I started trying. It is now 3 years later, I have made some that were not great and others that were frikking awsome. Here is a few pics for you>

Free hand of course....none of this sticker malarky....we want to make it hard!

And then we got konad nail art set to try in our boredom and my withdraw symptoms>

now it is supposed to be really easy to do, it is fucking not, that took absolutely hours to get right. Just the stamping is not as easy as they tell you in the ads. Other rather pathetic attempt of it is here and after that me or Dana could just not have bothered any more, it is that shit. The end result is great but man, the shit is shit to do and wipe off and redo umpteen times to get it like this. So yeah, save your pennies and forget konad...not worth the £40 that we spent on a kit.

Anyhow, that was 1.5 years ago when I quit last time. 2 weeks ago I saw this sponge/gradient thing nails. So I got interested. So I saw a video and thoughts that really is the easiest piece of piss to get great looking nails. So here is the first trial last weekend>

Added couple of dots of gold glitter and Bob really was one's uncle.

So I took that off last night and as I am going to Finland on holiday in Tuesday it was time to create holiday nails using the sponge/gradient method. This just in as from 1 hour ago>

And now I realise rather than being smoking/quitting blog it has turned into nails. No doubt girls like it, so what I will do...is just carry on writing this evenings entry as man friendy...Just thought I shoukd share this with the ladies. It is the things you do to occypy your time when you want a fag....It is difficult to dig out a fag and light it when you nails are wet :D

That was my thinking behind the hobby anyhow....

Day 17- This little piggy...

One should never visit the scales when one knows in advance that it won't be good news. SO yes, the gain so far is 2kg. ~Sigh~
But then again I have been doing nothing much exercises wise and drank lot's of wine and ate like a little miss piggy.

So today I thought I would just try for few minutes what it does feel like to run. I believe last time I ran anywhere was  precisely 2.5 years ago when I was trying to train for the SAS Survival challenge. It is just that when my team won the whole thing, all training went out of the window.

The after I started smoking again I went on pretty strict diet and did training in fitness boxing and Latin dance for 5 months 5 times per week. Lost the weight last quit attempt and then just slid back to junk eating lazy mode. So pretty much gained all that was lost. So now the extra weight is even more depressing.

It felt strange to run, didn't manage very much but then again you can't on the first attempt. Was wondering the the clapping behind me was, turns out it was my ass cheeks cheering me on! Then when got home did 120 ab crunches, 80 reps for triceps and biceps and few push-ups thrown in. If I could just somehow motivate myself to do that or something else, any exercise at all in fact every other day then I think I would stay on top of it all. Maybe I need Miss Piggy's pink aerobics outfit and leg warmers to get me motivated?

Anyhow still not had a cigarette, still want one regularly, afternoons and evenings are the worst, morning and during the day is fine. I am glad for my electric nicotine ciggy tho it comes in very handy when you're about to walk into the shop to buy some. It just stops you.

I think this week I have noticed something else too. I haven't been swearing much at all, in comparison to the last two weeks. Apart from 4 am this morning when Poppy the Princess decides to start barking downstairs for no valid reason. I stomps down barks at her and stomps back to bed. 4 minutes later she starts again. I stomps back down, grabs her face and puts my nose to her nose and very sternly tell her no and stomps back up. 10 minutes later she starts again. I stomps down yet again this time swearing like a navy seal, storms straight to the chewy jar, throws some chewies on floor and stomps back upstairs to bed. That did shut her up, but guess if I could get back to sleep?

Yep so I am tired. So I think will watch the last few acts of 'America has not got talent' and go to bed.

Day 15- I have nothing punchy?

I was sat there just thinking for 15 minutes, wondering what I should put on the title after 15 days. Could not think of anything relevant, funny or bitchy. Oh deary me.

Have had a great weekend, been real busy with day trip to Liverpool yesterday to see my therapy tutors for planning some future workshops. Was a great day, so lovely to see them and had lunch bought for me. I Also had my wrist slapped as they did teach me DDM (Dynamic Deep meditation) meditation few years back and I did practise for about a year but then little by little it just got faded in the background noise of busy lifestyle.  The crazy thing is that i don't know why as it makes me feel so good, see things so clearly and relaxes me a lot. So I had my mantra reintroduced, which I had funnily enough forgot so much that it was like really wrong. And this particular style meditation has to be reintroduced in a right way by the teacher to get you back on track. I am now determined for time being spending 10 mins in morning and same in the afternoon meditating. Since they re-introduced me with a session of part hypnosis and meditation, I feel SO GREAT! I am happy, bubbly, energetic...the benefits are great, so let me not forget it!

Came home from my road trip to spend an evening with a good friend who I had not seen for a while, we had one of them real proper chats for hours. Good to share.

Today I got up at noon. Yep. Was bit tired so slept for 12 hours without any distractions at all and woke up feeling fab, did my 10 min meditation and then proceeded with action for the next 10 hours with energy like there is no tomorrow, cleaned the whole house, did shopping, did all laundry, had 2 long walks with dogs, cooked some great food, did my friends nails and she did mine and they look great, made some important documents, had great time with a friend and finally, now, sat down to have a little chill out. If I could have this much energy every single day it would be totally amazing.

I love my little vaporator, I spent an evening on Friday at a friends house and she as well as her boyfriend smoked all evening and I stuck to my electronic version, no problems. And the friend that I have spent much time this weekend with is a smoker but again my electronic cig saved me. So I am glad I got it as it could have got hairy otherwise.

I do seem to get a real bad situation once a day past few days when I really, really want a cigarette, but it is not more than that, week ago it was once every 2 minutes so this is a vast improvement.

I have a nice busy 6 day working week ahead of me, but then after next weekend it will be a measly Monday to work and then Freedom and trip to Finland for 2 weeks. YAYAYY!

So all and all, cruising along pretty well... so far I have saved £90.00.

Have a great week ya all!

Random notes:
It is very difficult to open a pack of cereal, milk carton and have a toilet break when you have wet nails.

It is rather amusing when you search for good pictures for this blog and you put the words 'happy smoker' in google, you get lets of sweetly smiling ladies proper posing...you do get much more too...but that just tickled me, who saves their posing photo as 'happy smoker' ?

Day 12 - Vaporator

Today has been a pretty good day on all accounts. Yesterday I was just busy and shattered so shall skip that entirely.
We have had sunshine today, YAY! That alone in this flooding damp summer was something that bought a smile on my face from start.

I had my VAPORATOR (said with Arnie's Australian accent from his early movie career) delivered yesterday(to normal people this is the e-cig or electronic cigarette) It is fab, I went with stainless steel design which feels expensive and well made in hand, it works just as it should after I charged the batteries, that in itself was a surprise, it only took 20 minutes for full charge on first charging which is very impressive. It lasted all day yesterday and today as well. But to be fair I am not puffing on it much as I am now on day 12 so I would imagine the battery would have died much sooner if I was on my first day and if I hadn't any other aids. I got mine from company called Liberty Flights and can say I am happy with the quality, price and the testing so far. It is perfect for those moments that I struggle. So far I am having one or two puffs maybe 4-6 times a day.

Want to find out more?
Here...now remember I did all the hard work and spent 7 hours looking thru the hundreds of web pages and products in my nicotine withdrawal. This is the place and product I chose that I felt offered the best price vs quality vs comments made on different products. But there are tons more out there and some a lot cheaper initially but more expensive to keep vaping.
http://www.liberty-flights.co.uk/

It came with pre-filled cartridges and I thought the taste and the nicotine hit was very strong. I only realised today that those were pre-filled with the high nicotine stuff, so that's why. The liquids that I bought were medium strength and now having tried one of them, I think I need the light stuff.

I have so far only tried vanilla flavour and it is great, and you feel like you are having something as you get the vapour so you feel you are really sucking something like smoke in, altho it is harmless vapour with some nicotine. Not much different from the patches or gum or other replacement products.

And honestly, I really never ever need to have a real cigarette again.

Ok, I am off my soap box now, enough about that. I am sure you all get it, I have a new toy and I like it.

I did got to my SAS meeting today, it was really busy, must have been 12 of us in various stages of not smoking, ranging from 0 days to 16 weeks and was very motivating yet again to listen to it all.  Everyone was upbeat, few people had struggled, others were not having any problems, and everyone is eating loads. So I feel less guilty about scoffing my face at this moment in time. I have already noticed that I look like I am pregnant. I was overweight before I started and now I am even more overweight. But I have promised myself a month to do whatever as long as I don't smoke, but soon I must reign this flab in somehow.

Should anyone want to come and drag me to gym I would much appreciate it! Or a lomg walk, or badminton, anything at all!!! Pleaseeeee!!! I can only have willpower about one thing at the time.

I have now removed the annoying word approval thingy from the comments to this blog, which should make your comments so much easier. So hoping to get some more. And thanks Muikku for being one that keeps saying something, at least i know someone is reading for sure :)

Oh, big fat gypsy wedding is on telly....gotta dash! Ta Taa!

Cigarettes 0
Large Kebabs 1
Lollies 2
I don't think I have upset anybody today, but I am just about going to send a text message that just might change that :D Mjäh mjäh...