Day 53 - Confession

“Warriors of light are not perfect. Their beauty lies in accepting this fact and still desiring to grow and to learn.” ― Paulo Coelho, Warrior of the Light


Those of you who know me well, also know that I am a big fan of Paulo Coelho. His books are quite amazing and you always have moments of self discovery no matter which book you read. Each one of them is different and yet enjoyable. I read the The Alchemist first and then promptly went and bought all rest of them.

So we have had one major fall down on day 51. The strangest thing is there was really no valid reason for it what so ever. It was Monday, I had really wanted a cigarette since Friday, for some peculiar reason. Before that, weeks had gone past and I was not really bothered at all about people smoking around me. So off to the supermarket I went and bought a pack of 10. I smoked one and it tasted horrible. I then proceeded to have 3 more the same evening before I came to my senses and gave rest of the packet to my friend to take away from me.

I was furious with myself all day yesterday, I did also have few other things that seriously pissed me off happen but those are too personal to be mentioning here. So it was hell hath no fury like a Miia the day after the relapse. If I had written this entry yesterday, it would have been riddled with swearwords. I was really annoyed but I did not fancy a cigarette. Nor do I want one now. So after beating myself up all day about it, I realized there is no point in that, I had a fall, I make mistakes, now I just pick myself back up and carry on. I am only a human. (How very adult of me..hahah)

So another Paulo quote comes to mind…

“I’ve been through all this before,’ he says to his heart. “ ‘Yes, you have been through all this before,’ replies his heart. ‘But you have never been beyond it.” ― Paulo Coelho, Warrior of the Light

So really gonna say, yup, still struggling on, now I have to face my smokers meeting and tell them all what a bad girl I have been, but I am as determined as ever to carry on, fuck it, shit happens and then you just keep going.

“A Warrior knows that an angel and a devil are both competing for his sword hand. The devil says: "You will weaken. You will not know exactly when. You are afraid." The angel says: "You will weaken. You will not know exactly when. You are afraid." The Warrior is surprised. Both the angel and the devil have said the same thing. The devil continues: "Let me help you." And the angel says: "I will help you." At that moment the Warrior understands the difference. The words may be the same but these two allies are completely different. And he chooses the angel's hand.” ― Paulo Coelho, Warrior of the Light

Day 38 - Mobile time!

So sorry my dear readers for being too busy to write here, I bet half of you thought I started up again! I know you did!!!
Well I didn't and haven't had even one fall down since I last wrote. I have been angelic good girl, well, at least in the cigarette smoking sector anyhow.

I promised myself a new mobile phone if I managed a month without cigarettes so I ordered my new singing and dancing Samsung Galaxy S3 today and should have it in my less yellow fingertips tomorrow, can't wait!!! It is like Christmas for me. So just a note to friends, if you get umpteen pointless text messages from me in the next few days, this is why :)

I had amazing holiday in Finland which included cuddling cute babies, riding a stallion, being nearly hit by lightning, swimming 10 times, barbecuing 5 times, sitting by campfire 3 times, getting far too drunk twice, going to sauna 5 times, shopping, eating like a pig everyday, spending quality time with friends and family, seeing few live bands, cutting 2 peoples hair, training 10 new therapists, taking 250 photos. Among other things.

I lost one of my fancy electronic cigs, that pissed me off somewhat, but mostly I am coping without it anyhow, I am maybe having a puff once or twice a day if things get dicey, which the don't that much any more.

I think about cigarettes and smelling other people smoking is part torture, part enjoyable. But instead of desperately wanting one everyday we are now down to having really hard time once or twice a week. In the last 7 days it has been precisely twice and I managed thru both times.

I just gotta stay vigilant, yesterday was the difficult moment with the 12 hours travel and a few things going wrong in the process and upon arrival to the UK, but I said to myself no and even tho my electronic cig had dead battery from previous day so I didn't even have that backup, I still managed.

So now I have to move on to more healthy diet and exercise regime as the weigh has been piling on like mad. So today I took to work grapes, banana and salad. And my tummy was rumbling like mad all day. I then made low carb dinner with chicken with loads of veg in satay sauce. And I am still hungry. I could eat a horse. But I wont, however tomorrows lunchbox will have to have some more real stuff in it as I ended up having some chocolates because I was starving.

This bit will be somewhat challenging based on day 1.

Anyhow, bed is calling, just wanted to say hello, still here, battling on one day ta a time.

Ironically, right this moment in time I am listening to Imelda Mays 'Smokers song'