Day 53 - Confession

“Warriors of light are not perfect. Their beauty lies in accepting this fact and still desiring to grow and to learn.” ― Paulo Coelho, Warrior of the Light


Those of you who know me well, also know that I am a big fan of Paulo Coelho. His books are quite amazing and you always have moments of self discovery no matter which book you read. Each one of them is different and yet enjoyable. I read the The Alchemist first and then promptly went and bought all rest of them.

So we have had one major fall down on day 51. The strangest thing is there was really no valid reason for it what so ever. It was Monday, I had really wanted a cigarette since Friday, for some peculiar reason. Before that, weeks had gone past and I was not really bothered at all about people smoking around me. So off to the supermarket I went and bought a pack of 10. I smoked one and it tasted horrible. I then proceeded to have 3 more the same evening before I came to my senses and gave rest of the packet to my friend to take away from me.

I was furious with myself all day yesterday, I did also have few other things that seriously pissed me off happen but those are too personal to be mentioning here. So it was hell hath no fury like a Miia the day after the relapse. If I had written this entry yesterday, it would have been riddled with swearwords. I was really annoyed but I did not fancy a cigarette. Nor do I want one now. So after beating myself up all day about it, I realized there is no point in that, I had a fall, I make mistakes, now I just pick myself back up and carry on. I am only a human. (How very adult of me..hahah)

So another Paulo quote comes to mind…

“I’ve been through all this before,’ he says to his heart. “ ‘Yes, you have been through all this before,’ replies his heart. ‘But you have never been beyond it.” ― Paulo Coelho, Warrior of the Light

So really gonna say, yup, still struggling on, now I have to face my smokers meeting and tell them all what a bad girl I have been, but I am as determined as ever to carry on, fuck it, shit happens and then you just keep going.

“A Warrior knows that an angel and a devil are both competing for his sword hand. The devil says: "You will weaken. You will not know exactly when. You are afraid." The angel says: "You will weaken. You will not know exactly when. You are afraid." The Warrior is surprised. Both the angel and the devil have said the same thing. The devil continues: "Let me help you." And the angel says: "I will help you." At that moment the Warrior understands the difference. The words may be the same but these two allies are completely different. And he chooses the angel's hand.” ― Paulo Coelho, Warrior of the Light