Pointless

Oh that went well, lasted about 3 days and back smoking again.

I think it is pointless writing this blog anymore. I can't seem to do anything but fail.
Perhaps pain from the surgery and the diet I started is a big enough chunk for me at this moment in time.
SO for now I am giving up the giving up.

Epic fail, the nicotine WINS.
Miia 0- Nicotine 3

I think I took too big of a bite to eat and maybe I need to mentally be in a better place to succeed.
Very pissed of with myself and disapointed.

I am useless, hopeless, stupid and pathetic.

Can boredom actually kill you?

So I have the entire day stretching ahead of me and nothing to do. Everything I can do must involve me sitting or laying down inside these 4 walls. This obviously reduces the options rather dramatically.

I am on my 3rd cup of coffee, managed to have first shower after surgery and as an added bonus the shower did not leak into the kitchen.

Something positive has been looking outside the window and the weather has been truly miserable for the past 3 days, very suitable for my mood!

My jaws are hurting from continuosly chewing nicotine gum and my nose, well that just feels like I took the beating of a lifetime.

So I am debating whether I watch entire season of Californication, True Blood or Ghost Whisperer. Or I could play on Xbox or Nintendo Wii. I even have a new game on Wii that I haven't even tried yet.
All of the above sounds boring at this moment in time, I wish I had some dancing monkeys or maybe some circus horses to entertain me.

Or maybe I will just sit here, keep staring into space chewing this god damn gum. :/
Nii kerta.

Good times

So it has been a while. Guess why???

Well I failed again. Week before Xmas, just started smoking after another 8 weeks without any cigs.
So have been puffing away for 5 weeks to my harts content. Until this wednesday.

I got a letter thru just over a week ago that I have to go for my nose surgery, FINALLY. It was supposed to happen months ago. Septoplasty. Now this is nothing to do with cosmetic reasons, but more of the I would like to be able to breathe through my nose reason and having UARS (upper airways respiratory syndrome).

So I had my surgery yesterday, and decided to stop smoking, at least temporarily again to try and recover from this thing as soon as possible.
Last cigarette I had was 48 hours ago.

This time I am on nicotine gum and inhalors and as a backup I have some tobacco free herbal cigarettes as well, which have like peppermint and menthol and eucalyptus in them.

Difference this time is that I don't even really have the motivation to quit, but I just did. I am not fooling myself this time into believing that I will never have a cigarette or that I will succeed this time. I will just do this for now and see what happens.

Other than that, this same week I also started a diet, this time I am damned if I will put any weight on, sick of it! 2 stone weight gain, stone for each quit attempt from last year. That is seriously crazy stuff! I feel like a beach whale...

Some good news is that I have lost 2.5kg in last 5 days, this is like 5 pounds or so. I must be doing something right. But stopping smoking and dieting is just rather insane, I know. So I am sure something will give...very soon. Will let you know which one falls in it's face as a flat pancake.

Other than that I have very sore and bleeding nose from the surgery and feel rather sorry for myself, so will keep this short and sweet.

Speak to me, I am home recovering and very bored...

Over and out.