Foot and mouth disease

The latest in the non-smoking drama unfolds as this stupid day 11 comes to an end (thank god).

I started with really bad sleep last night, kept waking up and then woke up screaming my little head off after a nightmare at exactly 5:30. My poor dog fell out of bed scared of this monsterous looking madwoman with bloodshot eyes, beads of sweat and tears running down my face, and flaping about like a scizophreniac who just escaped from the straightjacket. This dream I have explained in detail to only 2 people and we shall leave it at that as I do not want it shared publicly, but I can assure you, it was horrible. So much so, that I had to text my sister at 6am, just to make sure she was alive and well. She came back few hours later with 'I am alive, but in hell they call work...' which made me feel so much better :D

Needless to say I started my day in a foul mood. And sometimes when you have that kind of start to your day, it just gets worse from there. It did.

It appears that this other woman has taken residence in my body, she bitches and moans about absolutely everything and everyone. (or maybe aliens performed a personality transplant??)
To the point of moaning about people and just to find them stood behind me. Staring. With an evil eye.

In total 3 times I have done that today to my shock and horror, and as this is not normally something I do all the time, I haven't been able to recover the situations in any good way at all, just gone red, turned away and sweated some more. And thought about crying but dismissed it as something that evil bitches like me should not really do, might ruin the image! After the person has walked away, I have been seen self-mutilating, beating my head with my fists, swearing in Finnish and internally screaming at my own idiocy. So I have come to the conclusion that I must have been infected with foot and mouth disease. If I haven't, I think I should. I think a foot in my mouth would be a really good this to get this god damn huge gob shut. Permanently.

I really, really have felt embarassed by this and I probably am creating an army of people who will hate me from this day to eternity. *Sigh* But apprently quitting smoking is good for me. (I keep trying to repeat that mantra over and over again)

I have also noticed that my memory and concentration has completely left me. Good example of this is from this wretched morning, I call a customer and leave a message on his mobile for him to call me back as I want to tell him about a job we have done and ask him something. He calls back exactly 10 minutes later and says 'You called'
I reply 'Did I? No I don't think I did' to which he laughs (luckily I get along with him quite well by now and speak to him daily) and after we repeat the above a few times he actually mimics my voice and my message (actually worryingly well) and only then do I remeber that YES I did ring him and then started the wondering about why did I ring him.(which he found very funny I might add, he did ask me how old I was exactly and when I was due to retire) After further 60 seconds, my brain finally decided to give me a tidbit and I remember what I was supposed to be talking to him about. SO not only have I got foot and mouth disease, I now also have dementia! But apperently quitting smoking is good for me!!
(I wonder if it is good for my job?)

I think tho, to be perfectly honest, part to do with todays disasters is the fact that I am going for a surgery in hospital tomorrow, and those who know me well, also know that my faith in NHS and doctors in general is rather poor, so I have used much of my brain capacity imagining all the possible scenarios of how this surgery could go wrong.

So just for the record, I want to be cremated, ashes can be thrown around Finland in gay abandon to any relevant spots that I may have hang about in my youth. At my funeral everyone needs to get drunk, that is an order! Dancing at tables is optional. So my sister gets my books, she can also have my shoes and clothes PROVIDING she shares them with Minna. And Minna gets the oils and the books about healing and herbs and things.

Dana says she wants the Audi, she is only getting driving lessons now and has promised me that she can damage it in no time, which would be a suitable faith for a 10 year old lady and since it is no good for anyone in Finland with the wheel on wrong side, I think she should have it. (What I am sure she wouldn't like is the 1800 pounds left of the loan to pay heheh!) Apparently she would also like the Wii, but I told her that she would have to have a boxing match with my sister and brother for that. (now that I would like to see!)

Guitar would go to the bro if he comes back alive from Argentina, as well as my technological things like phones, computers and so on. Rest, well there is only debt, so hopefully sale of the house would just about cover those.

So there, one testament, voila!
(Why do people need like lawyers- solicitors to sort these things out, it is very simple?)

After all that, I will probably be just fine and I have made a huge deal about nothing due to my need for cigarettes making every issue BIG. Most likely outcome is that I am fine by Monday and have to return to my rock hard SAS training schedule (LOL).

So that's it. I am off to see what horrors Champix has on the box office for me tonight!

Taraa!

PS: The picture in the beginning was rather suited for todays mood, I would really have needed that ONE smoke, just the one and all my worries would have floated away.

Day 9

Took a bit of a break from blogging, just been busy.
Day 5 was after all easiest out of the lot. That came as a surprise, but I think I had my worse time for days 2-3.

I tell you what pissed me off though. Went to the non-smoking group and there was 5 others who had recently quit. And every single one of them was saying how easy it was, they didnt want a cig at all and it had all been like a lovely picnic in a park on a sunny day. (wtf?)

I could have strangled every single one of them, surely they must have been lying?
So I was the only one who said it was damn hard and I was really struggling, while rest of them just smiled at me smuggly. Great support group that is!

Now, the desparate need for cigarettes hits me once every hour or two, which is of course improvement from every 2 minutes. I had to go and buy one of these nicotine inhalor things just to help a bit as I keep coming so close to just going and having a cigarette. Now I suck on this thing and the need goes away for a little while. (like a baby I seem to need a dummy!)

Now I have a confession to make. Day 8 broke me. I caved in and had half a cigarette. I was so depressed, one of those slit the wrists moods that was very scary. So I had it, felt disapointed in myself, enjoyed it so much I can't put it to words, but felt slightly sick afterwards and the lingering taste of it was not nice at all.

But so, so, so disapointed. Thus followed the self bollocking and feelings of uselessness and failure. After a while of that I decided that enough is enough, one can fall and get back up again, so in the end went to bed last night with renewed will and drive to do this.

I just wish it gets easier from here. I do not want to spend the rest of my life feeling depressed and thinking about cigarettes, hell no!

I find myself being very bored or annoyed all the time, I am guessing this is part of the process and will pass at some point.

Maybe I really should take up knitting? :)

Day 4 for crying out loud!

Today one of my customers said; ‘Oh you sound like you need a cigarette’ That was it, I nearly burst into tears there and then. In fact I would have done if there was any liquid left in my body, but seems I am sweating it all out.

That is not the worst of it though, my sense of smell is improving and this sweating menopausal thing I have going on just now, well it is like mans underwear after heavy exercise left into sports bag to fester for few weeks, after which it has been rolled in some cigarette ash and some dog shit and a drop of cat piss been thrown in for a good measure- kind of smell. I fully understand that it is all that disgusting poison coming out of my pores that I have been putting into it for last 22 years. But did it have to happen on a day when the temperature is hitting +27C? I mean honestly! And although I knew this was going to happen, was I smart enough to slip a deodorant into my handbag? NO!

So what could I do? Just sit very quietly in the office, reduce arm movements to minimum and smile apologetically at regular intervals.

Heh, I wonder if that smell will improve when I go for my attempt of running again tonight?

Meanwhile my skin is wondering what the hell is going on and protesting very loudly by placing a gigantic zit in the middle of my forehead, and just to make sure it gets noticed, the damn thing won’t burst even if I hit it with a hammer and chisel.

I have now added nicorette gum to my arsenal. Yesterday after writing my blog, a friend called and I literally screamed at her ‘I NEEEEEEED CIGARETTE OR I WILL KILL SMALL INNOCENT CHILDREN’. She was surprisingly understanding, told me to hold on for 20 minutes and shut up.

Moments later she stormed in from the door and ran to me and shoved nicorette gum down my throat. And then patted my head and said ‘there there’. After that she took me to the garden, lit up a cigarette and kept blowing the smoke my way as I whimpered like a homeless puppy. It got even funnier when I kept saying to her ‘Blow me, blow more’ and suddenly neighbor peeked over the fence grinning like a village idiot (typical man…pah!)

According to my non-smoker group leader, I am not supposed to have Champix and nicorette. Apparently it is defeating the object. I disagree, smoking a cig is defeating the object ‘Miss I will help you stop smoking although I have never smoked myself’. So There!
On Wednesday when we have our meeting I will be putting her to the right. Almost (but only almost) feel sorry for her as this week she will have 6 people there who have all quit in the past 7 days, it could play out like a murder mystery evening :D

On a positive note, Man my taste buds are alive, I have never enjoyed a boring sandwich as much as I did today, it was like a gourmet meal on silver platter served by tanned gorgeous Diet Coke man! I am now considering having to go to all my favorite restaurants to try all my favorite foods again, they will be even better! Anybody care to join me on a restaurant eating spree??

SO today has been as hard as yesterday and I have been advised by other quitters that tomorrow will either make it or break it.
So to avoid failing tonight, I have promised myself that after my pathetic attempt of running I will go and buy a bottle of wine and drink it fast. My body needs some poison so alcohol will be it!

Day 3

I think they are right when they say the 3rd and 5th day is the hardest. Today has been totally shit, I nearly caved in 2 minutes ago, 10 minutes ago and an hour ago. I am now blood thirsty and just looking for an excuse to have a smoke.

I have been so pleased with myself so far but now, I am just a slave to my cravings, almost willing to sell my soul to devil if I could have just one smoke without anyone knowing. But I promised myself when I started this blog that I would be perfectly honest and I would hate to be telling you I had to have one. (What a stupid thing to promise! Me and my stupid principals!)

But I don't know how much longer I will last.Truly.

On more interesting note, so far today I have raised 152 pounds for my SAS Survival Challenge Charity pot. Everyone at work has been willing to put something in, I think it is because they know just by looking at me that I will be the laughing stock of the group :D

So I decided to start my so called 'training' for this thing today. So off we went with the dog, and I started running after a while of walking, 30 seconds later I was quite literally dying! SO back to walking again. My god how can a person get in such a pathetic shape?? I managed 2 more spurts of 30 seconds of running and that is all I can do. In SAS terms that would be the gentle stretching before the actual excersise! (Oh dear)

But we all have to start somewhere, we will see if I can imporove on that a little...in 6 weeks, maybe I will manage and entire 5 minutes of running, that would be something... Muhhahaa!

I did manage to do 20 push-ups and 70 abs after, and that is my contribution of the day!

At work my colleague (male one of course) has this stress toy which is a shape and feel of a womans breast, I asked to borrow it so it would distract me from my cigarette cravings. 2 hours later it broke... I broke a man boob! Good heavens...if even a stress toy won't last, how will I????????????

All this ranting managed to distract me exactly for 5 minutes and now I need a cigarette again.

Can someone just hit me with a baseball bat please?

Day 2

I can very proudly say that I never had a cigarette yesterday, even in the most tempting environment of a pub. I even went outside with a friend who smokes and kept her company when she had one and didn't have one. Damn, how good am I! Mind you I did have her blow smoke my way, and man it smelled good, but still resisted.

Today has been a little different, I woke up with really bad cramps in my tummy at 4am and since then promptly proceeded to throw up and have major trots for hours on end. I was so ill I feel I have given every ounce of myself to that toilet today.

The only positive thing about this is that I have not wanted a cigarette, or even thought about it as was feeling so sick it occupied all my thoughts. I have been wondering if I got a bug, or it was the chicken I cooked yesterday or if this stopping smoking caused it, not too sure. Anyhow bit reluctanly will have to throw rest of the gorgeous chicken salad away. just in case.

At this rate I will not be putting any extra weight on due to stopping smoking, only had salad and bacon buttie yesterday and today have thrown all that up anyway. And so far today have managed 1 piece of dry toast and yogurt.

I also did do 3 or 4 FreewayCER sessions yesterday when I was about to cave in, and must admit that they helped a lot, took the edge of the craving and I think it is largely due to them that I managed the whole day without even a smallest little puff of smoke. So will carry on using that when going gets tough again. Should be very amusing for co-workers as they will be wondering what the heck I am doing, tapping and yawning and chanting to myself :D

I have decided to go for that SAS survival challenge weekend in 5 weeks, it is going to make me start jogging and getting into shape for it thus possibly battling the on coming weight increase, plus keeping me occupied rallying sponsorship for it as it all goes to charity. And it does sounds like one of those things that should be on the list of '100 things to do before I die'

I am sure it will challenge me physically and mentally and I recon I will have some fun too.

But for now I am attempting to take my dog for a slow stroll, and hope to hell I don't need toilet while out, so far today I havent dared go further than 10 meters away from it :D

13 hours

Was very surprised I managed to take a nap, great it killed 2 hours of this agony without me thinking about cigarettes. It is now 13 hours since I woke up this morning, and 20 hours since I had my last smoke.

I can not believe I have made it this far. However, I walk a very thin line, I want one approximately once a minute at this moment in time.

Now comes the real test, in an hour i am going to the pub to play pool. I 'used to' smoke most when I was drinking. So far I am sipping on a cider and still resisting, punching the air in regular intervals, consdering new career as a boxer.

My dogs barking is getting exceedingly annoying so perhaps it is a good thing I get out of the house before I lose my rag with her completely. So far I have only spoken to customers at work this morning and I behaved quote well, only lost my rag once and recovered that quite well. But then again it is only day 1.
Sigh

So now I will have to go to public and will be having few drinks, who ever I rant, abuse or punch tonight, I am really sorry in advance!

7.5hrs

Holy hell, this morning was a doddle, now I am starting to really strguggle with this. My brain is screaming every 30 seconds that * I NEEEEED A DAMN CIGARETTE* It is all I can think about. Who the hell was the wise guy who said just bare with it, it passes in few minutes, I get number of very strong urges continuosly.

I guess this is just a glimpse of what next few weeks are going to be like, maybe it gets easier at some point..Does it...someone tell me!??? That bloke who said it MUST have been a non smoker!

I stormed home, cleaned downstairs with such feverous space as if I was going for world record, trying to keep my mind of this, but it didnt work. Then poor 2 sales guys came to my door....(tsihihi) They were on a good mission, to preserve wildlife and nature and could I give them 21p a day for rest of my life. Which I might even have signed up for if they had been smart enough to come ANY other day. So needless to say, I told them to leave me alone, I was polite enough to shout 'I just quit smoking' from the 1cm gap from the door just before slamming it in their face. I can see super bitch raring her head...This not so good!

And now I am starting to get hot and cold flashes too, but hey, at least I get an idea what menopause will feel like...because it can't be worse than this!

Since I have had my on call week and only slept 5 hours last night, I am going to attempt to go and take a nap, it could pass few hours quite painlessly, then I intend to get up, go for looooong walk with dog, do some boxing on Nintendo Wii and go and shoot a few games of pool tonight.

So I had the last cigarette 23:30 last night wich now means I have not had one for 14 hours. This is probably longest I have ever achived!

This is going to be a LONG day!

So I go to this non-smoking group, it is like AA meeting for smokers, every Wednesday, we can all moan about how hard it is or brag how easy it is for us.

I am also on Champix, today is day 13 of being on it and it so far did effect me quit a bit, my smoking dropped down to half pack a day, until the last 2 days before quitting, which is when I went into panic mode! I had to try this Champix thing because if I was to go cold Turkey, small children and animals would not have been safe! Basically, I needed something to screw around in my brain to have even smallest chance of succeeding.

Right now I have been awake for 3 hours and I REALLY do want a cig. Well tough!
It has been mentioned in the past that apparently I 'type loudly' when on computer keyboard, right now it is more like punching the damn thing, I think I may need few new keyboards in the oncoming weeks.

I also got given a gold star 'stress toy' that I can play with in my desperation, looking at the delicate little thing, I would imagine that will be in total shreds by Monday lunchtime. Either that or I will end up with some form of tendonitis from pumping it for 18 hours a day. (just given it a few nice gentle squeezes to warm it up!)

I have a saving tin, I intend to put my daily cig money to it, should be a nice shopping trip in months time! I bet it will be hard to find that 5 pounds daily tho, when it is not for cigarettes. When you need cigarettes, you will ALWAYS find the money.

I wonder how long it takes until the thoughts change, so far all I have been able to think about coherently for the past 3,5 hours is cigarettes, how nice and how pretty and delicious they are?

So the next thing I will be trying is FreewayCER therapy, since I am a therapist I should really try one of my own tools, will let you know what 1st session of that will do in this matter!

The 1st day dawns...

Woke up and the first conscious thought I had was, oh crap, it’s quit smoking day. I must have been very aware of it all night. I chain smoked last night and even sang ‘goodbye my friend, goodbye my lover’ to few of my last cigarettes. I could swear one of them nearly cried!

I managed to clamber downstairs and make my first morning coffee, one of the nicest cigarettes of the day is the one after that. I didn’t have it, but all I could think about was; I want it soooo bad! I then took dog for a walk and instead of her pulling me, this time I was pulling her (makes a nice change) bit of power walking instead of cigarette then.

Got in my car, and to tell you the truth I have full packet of cigarettes in my car, it is my emergency pack, you know just in case I find myself almost sneaking out of a house with a bread knife ready to kill someone type of emergency.

I managed to drive to work without having one. Normally I have TWO!

I have now been at work for half hour and still smoke free, so managed first 2 hours. My previous record of not smoking is probably around 6 hours tops, so let’s see if I can beat that!