Day 9

Took a bit of a break from blogging, just been busy.
Day 5 was after all easiest out of the lot. That came as a surprise, but I think I had my worse time for days 2-3.

I tell you what pissed me off though. Went to the non-smoking group and there was 5 others who had recently quit. And every single one of them was saying how easy it was, they didnt want a cig at all and it had all been like a lovely picnic in a park on a sunny day. (wtf?)

I could have strangled every single one of them, surely they must have been lying?
So I was the only one who said it was damn hard and I was really struggling, while rest of them just smiled at me smuggly. Great support group that is!

Now, the desparate need for cigarettes hits me once every hour or two, which is of course improvement from every 2 minutes. I had to go and buy one of these nicotine inhalor things just to help a bit as I keep coming so close to just going and having a cigarette. Now I suck on this thing and the need goes away for a little while. (like a baby I seem to need a dummy!)

Now I have a confession to make. Day 8 broke me. I caved in and had half a cigarette. I was so depressed, one of those slit the wrists moods that was very scary. So I had it, felt disapointed in myself, enjoyed it so much I can't put it to words, but felt slightly sick afterwards and the lingering taste of it was not nice at all.

But so, so, so disapointed. Thus followed the self bollocking and feelings of uselessness and failure. After a while of that I decided that enough is enough, one can fall and get back up again, so in the end went to bed last night with renewed will and drive to do this.

I just wish it gets easier from here. I do not want to spend the rest of my life feeling depressed and thinking about cigarettes, hell no!

I find myself being very bored or annoyed all the time, I am guessing this is part of the process and will pass at some point.

Maybe I really should take up knitting? :)