Oh...sunny happy day!...what is going on???

OMG. This morning upon opening my crusted eyes my first thought was not cigarette, it was 'oh crap, forgot to buy milk, no coffee and cereal for me then' I promtly dashed to see if lodger had come in from nightshift and found he hadn't and texted him with furious speed to ask him to bring some in. And I got the message off at perfect time 

My morning peace was restored. All this meant that I didn't really think about smoking, and to be totally honest didn't even fancy one. (Hallejuja, it's a miracle on 3rd day!)

After yesterdays morbid depression, I was full of energy and on a good mood (yes I know, scary that!!). As I drove to work there was a gorgeous sunrise over the hills and that made me actually sing along to some upbeat music in the car on my way to work (to the horror of local wildlife). I am not sure if hell has frozen over or if I have suddenly jumped to alternate universe of happy Miia, but right this moment I really don't care. This could be just one of those very fastly fleeting moments so I am going to bask in it as long as it lasts. I am sure I will be back to frustrations, andgryness and morbid moping in no time!

Today also marks the day when smokers really stink, my sense of smell is very heightened and my god do the smokers really stink badly. To add to that I am amazed at how many people stink of all sorts of unpleasant other odours too. Yak.

I really, really, really want to succeed this time, I don't want to stink like that, I do want to stay healthy(ish) and I do not want to spend my hard earned money anymore buying cigs. I have calculated that I have so far in my life spent around 30,000 pounds on fags. Imagine all the things one could have done with that kinda money??????

Holidays in the caribean, trip to outer space...that kinda thing. HA!

As the day progressed, I pretty much have stayed on good mood. Apart from noticing one of my customers and one of my engineers calling me babes, which seems to be getting on my nerves more and more each time they say it. Why? I have no idea. Maybe I don't feel babeish? So I am plotting suitable revenge, thinking of lovely pet names I could call these 2 persons. I will report back as soon as I come up with a good one. (any suggestion will be gratefully received) I am also apprently an absolute diamond :) Now THAT I can live with!!!

Hmm, would lovieee work...cheez that sounds so sickly tho, I would puke up while saying it. Must think harder.

So this concludes todays blog entry, I will leave you all with one last line:

"You know, lady, you don't actually smoke. The cigarette does all the smoking, you are just the sucker!"

Yep, that's about right!

Oh and I have added facebook share button, can someone please press it so the score does not look quite so pathetic? 

Now, ssince is past 8pm I think I should maybe pack, since I am going tomorrow...

Depressing!

If yesterday I was Miss Angry, today it is Miss Totally Depressed. I have also discovered that on the first quit attempt Day 2 sickness had nothing to do with the chicken salad that got thrown away. It seems my body likes to make me feel nauseous for depriving it from it's precious poisons.

There has been an awful lot of fake cheerful voice on the phone at work and lot's of staring into space with face like carved from stone.I have felt like I have been living today under water. Everything seems 'muffed' the brain does not seem to register a lot of things. Like people talking to me. In fact I have no idea really who has spoken to me and what they have said. 

The strange thing is I should be really in a good mood, I am off to Finland on Friday and I have had some quite exiting news about a top secret project that I can not yet talk about, but that could be the coolest and most exiting thing to happen to me in years if things went the way I plan them to go. 

And yet I am moping about like Emo teenager with mascara running down my face and sitting here with my favourite rock t-shirt on.

I even did a little retail therapy after work and got me a new winter coat. Even that did nothing to lift my spirits.

I am watching some comedy on telly whilst writing this, and all it is doing is winding me up.

So I decided to call my shrink and this is what I got:

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.

So I hung up and decided to make that my new answerphone message. Something for the telemarketers to listen to. Since let's be honest, that is the only people that call my landline. And they do need some help!

You remember when there used to be cigarette advertising? Like lot of the sports were full of them. Ironic don't you think? I mean at the time it seemed normal but now?

Without advertising tho I have heard it thru the grapewine that the Marlboro clothing is very functional. The denim jacket has electric heart paddles sewed right into the lining, and there’s a backpack that can hold a portable respirator. That could come in handy! LOL.

Now that were rolling, how about the absolutely fantastic comment made by Brooke Shields '"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." 

Sorry, I am in fact so depressed I have to think of some smoking jokes to try and cheer me up...what ever works eh?

This one is a cracker:

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.

Lady 1: "What's that?"

Lady 2: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."

Lady 1: "Where did you get it?"

Lady 2: "You can get them at any drugstore."

The next day ... Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: "It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel."

On that note I am going to crawl into my tomb, pull the tombstone over my head and have a slumber.And yes, I am aware it is only 21:15, what is your point exactly? This quitting smoking business is very tiring!

Holy hell!

I am officially struggling.

I am furious. Angry. Facebook is no good for my fragile state. There is a rapist in town, number of rapes have happened around Halifax in the last week I hear and it makes my blood boil.

What the hell makes men commit such an act and who the hell do they think they are, for thinking they can get away with it?

I am almost thinking walking down to the area where it has all been going on, just so I could beat the living shit out of this arsehole.And castrate him. And right now, I would not even think twice. I would feel that is justice served.

He has no right!

Was I in my normal mind I would perhaps not think this way, afterall, I am but a mere woman. But then, I know I weigh a lot, I did survive the survival challenge and I can kick so hard that he would quite literally never get a hard on again, I do think that I have the right to be angry. Most women and young girls are light like feathers, have no self defence skills and are naive. And this piece of crap is taking advantage of that.

Anyhow. This upset has made me not think about cigarettes for a while.

And also, I send my most warm and healing throughts to a speaciawoman who has had some bad news and I want you to know, you are in my thoughts, keep letting me know what is happening please x

It has now been 33 hours since my last cigarette and my emotions are all over the place, I am swearing like a navy seal and I am drinking like a captain.

Yeah, yeah...as we already established before, apprently quitting smoking is good for me :D

The REAL Day 1

Thanks for the comments on previous posts! Keep them coming, they keep me writing! As one anonymous said maybe it is the other issues that are going on in life that are the problem. Had a little think and came to the conclusion that the only other problem I really have right this moment in time is that I am reluctant to quit because I enjoy it and that I am not properly motivated. Everything else in my life is fine really, sort of. I think? I did fail my last attempt after 10 weeks of not smoking due to the funeral of my gran, but really I can't use that as an excuse for my failing now.



So I decided to grab the bull by the horns yesterday, I smoked a few cigarettes and then gathered all remaining cigs and took them to work with me. I promptly gave them all to a colleague who is one of the few remaining smokers in our office. She was pleased anyway. I felt that I now have some resolve to do this. I told her not to give me one under any circumstances, no matter if I am begging on my hands and knees or screaming my head off.


I haven’t had one since and that was lunchtime yesterday. So now today it is the real day 1 for quitting.


It is funny when I started work for this company 2 years ago there was 8 smokers. Now there is only 3. This of course is a great sign and gives me some hope that I can succeed, after all…others have managed.


What I have learned as well is that once I get this thing as well under the belt as last time, past that 8 week mark, that is when you got to get careful. You can’t have even one cig or you will just go back to it.


Other thing to motivate me again is that I found out yesterday that I will have to have another surgery this year. It will be Septoplasty for my nose to help me breathe better. When one is a smoker, the risk of complications in anastasia are far greater. So it would be better for me to be done with it by then. Apparently this surgery will take place sometime before Christmas. Strange, went to see doctor at spring time for 2 problems, and they both ended up needing surgery. Two in one year, when I had managed 36 years without none! Madness.


Just for the moment I don’t feel too bad, no need to beat the wall with my fists or attack people. But there is time yet!!! If I remember correctly the first day wasn’t the worst, it was around day 2 that I came sick and day 3 and 4 when nearly caved in last time.


So I know the worst is yet to come. Bring it on you bastard!! My inner warrior has woken up and is ready to PARRRRTY!


I just did a FeewayCER Meridian Energy Therapy session and that has totally now turned me around to thinking I can do this. Should have got around to doing that at the weekend really but I was busy!


I am noting though that I am biting my nails. So I may not have any nails left in the end of the week, which is a great shame as I have really long nice nails just now. Hmph.


And the inhaler is getting it some. I might have finely defined cheekbones soon, the thing is you really have to put some effort into sucking it to get anything out of it! And then when you do get some nicotine out of it, man does it taste bad. Yak!

I wonder when the sweats and shakes start again??? Yiihaa!

Also my chrystal ball tells me the wine consumption will be increasing over the coming days. The local AA club wondered why their walls were shuddering :D

Why bother?

I tell you what, this bloody quitting smoking thing is just total bull! I did half well yesterday and then ended up slipping and having a cig in the evening.  really lasted only like 12 hours. Pathetic! I am going to end up old, wrinkly and toothless before I succeed :(

And upon rising from my tomb this morning, had another one.

This has brought me to one conclusion, it is not wise to have cigarettes left in the house.(and in the car)

So today I have had 4 cigs. So really it is not even managed to be a quit day at all. I guess, we try to have Day 1 again tomorrow?

I really am feeling rather depressed about it, why is this so much harder 2nd time around? I guess I can answer that myself, I am not properly motivated, I bloody like it! There you have it!

I am like a walking advert for the cigarette companies. Jesus.

I decided to have a emergency teleconference with my Aunt who is also going thru the same thing at the same time in Finland. This made me feel slightly better, but it did not restore my willpower as of yet.

So now I am in a real dilemma. DO I go and smoke all the cigarettes left so that I can't just grab one when I so desire? This of course is assuming that I would not just walk into the shop and buy some?

Or do I just try not to have them, and then feel bad when I fail? Maybe make a nice wig out of them?

Feel free to comment...I am at end of my pathetic tether. Wondering why bother? Why oh why?

5 Hours. Take 2

Slightly schitsophrenic start. I woke up and realised I had not said proper goodbye to my last cigarette last night. So of course I had to have one more last cigarette. So did that with a cup of coffee.

As you can see this time I am not motivated at all. My thoughts circled around looking for reasons why I am actually attempting this.

Anyhow, seems currently we have two entirely different persons residing in my brain. These two take 30 second turns talking to me.

The first person, let's call her Miiuli starts of with ' You know you enjoy smoking, why put yourself out by suffering and not having one, this wont prove anything, apart from the fact that you love smoking. Stop pretending, we both know I am right, come with me, let's go and have a puff! You should never quit something you like doing anyway!'

Then the second cow comes online and we can call her say Miiuska ' It bloody stinks, it is unattractive, expensive and it is soooo bad for you, this quitting thing is piece of cake, no problems at all, like a walk in the sunshine thru a beautiful park with blooming flowers'

For a moment there is silence and then Miiuli goes off on one again. And then Miiuska.... Inbetween I see flying ciragettes with horns pointing and laughing at me.

This is really not a good start.

This in fact is biggest pile of shisen I can think of for a humanbeing to be doing on a perfect sunny saturday. I am fooking insane.
And it has only been 5 hours.
It will be one VERY long weekend this.

Epic Fail!!

So I have a confession to make. (What a surprise) I managed 10 weeks without smoking, then one Sunday morning early I got woken up from my hangover haze with a text message that my grandmother had passed away.

With mouth tasting like cat piss and with a fuzzy head I dragged myself to my computer and looked at some flights. I sat there for pretty much an hour just staring at the screen, trying to decide if I should leave in 4 hours or the next day. I couldn’t make a decision.

I decided to take the dog for a walk and the fresh air helped me cry a bit and then decide that I am leaving now.

I booked my flights, walked into a corner shop and bought 10 cigarettes, smoked 3 of them in half an hour, took a shower, packed and left for the airport.

In my infinite wisdom I thought that I will just have those 10 cigarettes and then no more.


The next day I smoked last of those 10 in the morning, swearing to my sister that this would be it. No more.


I had to catch a train up north and most of the train journey I was fine, but towards the end of the 6 hour joyride I was dying to have a cigarette again, so I went into the restaurant van. Turns out they don’t sell any. The cashier looked at me with sympathy, I would imagine my facial expression was somewhat sad, pathetic, borderline about to loose my mind with crazy sheen to my eyeballs. She said maybe I can help and offered me one of her own cigarettes. I nearly wept. Total stranger was being so kind for no valid reason.


When I arrived at my destination I grabbed myself from the neck and decided to stick with not getting any more. All week from Monday evening until Saturday I stayed not smoking. The funeral was on Saturday and I was due to do a speech. Large amount of my relatives smoke and I ended up bumming 3 cigarettes that day, supposedly to calm my nerves and sadness.


The next day was travel back down south and overnight stay at my sisters, stayed without smoking. Monday evening when my sister and her boyfriend dropped me off at the airport, I jumped out of the car and walked into shop directly and bought some cigarettes.


And now I have been smoking like a chimney for 3 weeks. I have been so angry and disappointed with myself that I haven’t even wanted to write here. Such a pathetic, weak and stupid excuse human being that I am.


Seems the more pissed off I have got with myself, the more I have smoked. What annoys me the most is the cost, I had saved over 400 pounds in that 10 weeks, and the second thing is the neediness, I felt so free without having to make sure I had enough cigarettes and without having to top up my nicotine every hour.


So you may be pleased to hear that I will attempting to quit again. I am totally not looking forward to the first 2 weeks of total hell, as that is what it is, truly, now I know already what is ahead and it is not a nice prospect.


And guess what, the first day of that is tomorrow.


I will smoke myself stupid today, enjoy my last cigs the best I can.


And then we are back to my whining and moaning and bitching as from tomorrow, I will be trying to write again most days and see what rubbish I can spew out from my nicotine withdrawal crazed brain this time for your entertainment or disgust, whichever applies.