Still Day 21- The Travellers Edition

So yeah, that's the cute nail stuff all over and done with. Now I need to unload. Fuck me it has been hard last 36 hours. I have wanted a cigarette all the time. Continuously. I have had pretty intense days at work and also is the dreaded time of the month but still I was thinking that by the time you get to 3 weeks all should be a toddle. It's fecking not.

(Writers note: changes chill out collection music to heavy rock in midst of writing)

WHY, WHY...OH WHY???? Is this so damn hard. Only thing I am impressed about today is the fact that I have not had a cigarette. And I am likely not to have one as every single establishment is closed right now which is a good thing.

I have been keeping myself ridiculously busy just to keep mind off the smoking, I am on the go from 6 am like a Duracell bunny and don't stop until I drop and have some wine or fall asleep.

That seems to be the only way I can cope with it just now. The stress levels at work are the highest I have EVER experienced so in one way I am doing one fecking amazing job still not smoking.

I was SO cranky this morning and when my Saturday morning at work turned to hell instead of a nice calm time to catch up with paperwork, I was little unpleasant with the last customer and I am afraid there will be manager wanting to speak to me come Monday morning but really, I invite them to chew my ass off just so that I can finally let a few home truths out that they should be hearing, the whole place is falling apart and they aren't even realising how badly.

So I drive towards Halifax like Kimi Raikkonen much to some Saturday drivers annoyance. I dashes off to the pet food store to get 3 weeks supply on dog food and tries to find flea and mite treatment for dogs, they only had bad looking stuff so off I went to another pet store. They had lot's of stuff but real expensivee. So then I drove to my vets. Got worming and flee treatment for both and nearly fainted when she told me it was £70( Should have gone for the stuff I THOUGHT was expensive...Cheezuz). Anyhow got it and treated both. Then spent 2 hours brushing them both and then going over inch by inch on a nit comb, just to be sure. Poppy had loads, Faith had none, yet Faith is scratching like no tomorrow and has dandruff..  Then made all sorts of aromatherapy oil mixes and sprayed the entire house and the dogs. Then cooked, then did nails, then did laundry. Then sat down on this computer and opened a bottle of wine.

I WANT A CIG so bad. It is not humanly possible to keep myself any busier than I am. I have not watched tv hardly at all in the past 3 weeks, apart from 1 episode of gypsy weddings and one on embarrassing bodies. That's 2 hours of telly in 21 days. Pretty god damn amazing. But if I did I would be bored as I am not DOING anything and go off to the shop on an advert break to get fags.

So if I am not physically busy I need to be mentally occupied, hence this silly blog. Distracts me for a while.

Oh and between doing my nails and waiting for each layer to dry I was dancing like that chick in Flashdance. I figured that might count as exercise. I was panting my much cleaner lungs off after so maybe that was a good thing.

Thank god for the electronic cig, If I didn't have that we would be gone to the smoking land, Champix or no Champix. Last 36 hours it has not been  satisfying as I want the real deal. But it is the thing that gets me NOT to go to the shop and buy some.

And I can confirm that mixed fruit flavour is ok, apple is shit and vanilla is still great. But that's all a case of personal preference.and matter of taste. I think I need to get the whiskey or rum flavour for weekends. LOL.

~Nail Break~

Tried nail art on toes, didn't look too good. Painted them all purple. Fuck it.
*That only killed 10 minutes* ~Sigh~

I could really be packing since I am going in 72 hours but I can't seem to get motivated.I am instead drinking wine and listening to heavy metal.( Right now the lyrics are saying'If you were dead or alive, I don't care, just gonna leave it all behind'...rather apt for my mood, but I really am not that kind of person in real life, Just kind of hard to explain to people that I am spiritual and do care but like heavy rock...hmmm. In fact I care so much it is painful, about people, about the state of the planet and the way this world is) After travelling so much in my past the packing is done in the head. Ie, I am thinking about things I need to take at random intervals, I am not writing them down as that would be for sissies, so I think about various things I need to take, What in reality happens is that I take far too much, half won't be used and forget things that I really should have taken. I am used to that bit now and should really resist that last minute 'throw just one more pair of everything in since we got room' move. I know better, I am a travelling veteran and yet I still do it every time. It is though my very proud things to announce that I will pack Monday night in 30 minutes. Women normally take days to do that. especially for 2 week break. Why bother, do it slow or fast you are gonna forget something, no matter how hard you think, how ever many lists you write and all that stuff that some English women iron will look like the iron wasn't even invented by the time they pull it out from the bags at the destination.

Let me give you Miia's special tip, take it from a woman who has lived and worked in 11 different countries and at one point lived out of 2 suitcases for 4 years living in hotels due to my work...what you need is 80% of your clothes need to be stuff that don't need ironing. Keep buying stuff that really does not need it. OMG and yes, I have met women who iron underwear and jeans. WTF??? WHYYYY? you love ironing that much? Get a life. I mean REALLY...get a life, do anything, just do jumping jacks if nothing else comes to mind. Apparently it is the best form of exercises in the world as it gives the entire body hell of a workout. But then again who wants to do jumping jacks all the time. And this brings me to the point, why would you want to spend 3rd of your life ironing your frikking underwear? Really do get a grip ladies in the nicest way.

As for rest of the travelling tips...when I close the door and I am about to lock it to go for good I check few things: Wallet and passport and tickets. Rest can be bought but missing one of those 3 causes some real shit that you really don't wanna deal with. Just 3 things, Simple. Rest is easily organised.

Do I ever buy a travel insurance...No. I would if I was going outside Europe but can't see the point when inside Europe. I have flown approximately 250  times in last 20 years and have never needed it. I have always got free medical attention, always had lost luggage delivered to where it should do. So if we call that insurance for example measly £10 per flight, I have saved £2500. This in dollars for my American audiences is $3900 and for my Europeans 3200 euros.

So I guess I can have one disaster. Not that I will. But I could. So fuck it.

I feel very anti-social right now. I have not spoken a single word in last 12 hours since leaving work at midday. Very strange. Probably good since I have been on a Very foul mood. But makes me think that entire world could end and I would not be informed. Hmm. I think this is only due to the fact that I spend my entire working day talking and this week I have been on the phone or talking to friends face to face every single evening so this is rather peculiar.

Cigarettes: 0 and has been for weeks and weeks and weeks....
Music: shit loads.
Alter Bridge, Nickleback, Nirvana, The Offspring, Rains, The 69 Eyes, Fall Out Boy, The soup Dragons.
The dancy bit while doing nails>
Basement Jaxx, Trains, Guary & Clayton, Katy Perry, Alexandra Stan, Yello (jungle Bill, oh yeahhhh) Moves like Jagger by Maroon 5 and good ol Christina,  Tequila by ALT & The lost civilisation, Beyonce, Donna Summer and so on and on.
At work on Internet radio: Radio Nova with some finn pop.
Muchos music today.
Upset customers: 1
Level of being pissed off: 100% (bonkers as I am soon off on holiday, I know. Just a moaning bitch)
Food: Yeah still eating like a little piggy, eating things in technicolour is great, I feel and taste the frikking rainbow, I swear! Right now I am munching on second almond croissant of the day....let's not mention the rest. I have discovered if you close your eyes when you're eating. it even intensifies the flavour and makes you concentrate on it and enjoy it slower. If I can only get this to apply to fruit and veg...LOL

Day 21 - Nailing it or having a cigarette. I'll nail it.

I was just looking at my traffic to this blog and seems North America and Alaska are highest up on the visitors. That's fantastic considering I am from Finland and wring this from the UK. Hello guys!!!!If you compare this world 20 years ago, it would just not have been physically possible. I love technology. And nails. Oh I haven't told you all that my hobby for pretty much the duration of the various quit attempts has been nail art. (The male readers may jump the next post where the will be plenty of moaning a bitching and swearwords and not too much about nails)

It all started with a Lithuanian friend who likes to make nail art rather than paying 20-30 pounds, dollars, euros, whatever once a week she figred it is not that hard. So I got her to do mine every now and then. Then I thought it is not that hard really and I started trying. It is now 3 years later, I have made some that were not great and others that were frikking awsome. Here is a few pics for you>

Free hand of course....none of this sticker malarky....we want to make it hard!

And then we got konad nail art set to try in our boredom and my withdraw symptoms>

now it is supposed to be really easy to do, it is fucking not, that took absolutely hours to get right. Just the stamping is not as easy as they tell you in the ads. Other rather pathetic attempt of it is here and after that me or Dana could just not have bothered any more, it is that shit. The end result is great but man, the shit is shit to do and wipe off and redo umpteen times to get it like this. So yeah, save your pennies and forget konad...not worth the £40 that we spent on a kit.

Anyhow, that was 1.5 years ago when I quit last time. 2 weeks ago I saw this sponge/gradient thing nails. So I got interested. So I saw a video and thoughts that really is the easiest piece of piss to get great looking nails. So here is the first trial last weekend>

Added couple of dots of gold glitter and Bob really was one's uncle.

So I took that off last night and as I am going to Finland on holiday in Tuesday it was time to create holiday nails using the sponge/gradient method. This just in as from 1 hour ago>

And now I realise rather than being smoking/quitting blog it has turned into nails. No doubt girls like it, so what I will do...is just carry on writing this evenings entry as man friendy...Just thought I shoukd share this with the ladies. It is the things you do to occypy your time when you want a fag....It is difficult to dig out a fag and light it when you nails are wet :D

That was my thinking behind the hobby anyhow....

Day 17- This little piggy...

One should never visit the scales when one knows in advance that it won't be good news. SO yes, the gain so far is 2kg. ~Sigh~
But then again I have been doing nothing much exercises wise and drank lot's of wine and ate like a little miss piggy.

So today I thought I would just try for few minutes what it does feel like to run. I believe last time I ran anywhere was  precisely 2.5 years ago when I was trying to train for the SAS Survival challenge. It is just that when my team won the whole thing, all training went out of the window.

The after I started smoking again I went on pretty strict diet and did training in fitness boxing and Latin dance for 5 months 5 times per week. Lost the weight last quit attempt and then just slid back to junk eating lazy mode. So pretty much gained all that was lost. So now the extra weight is even more depressing.

It felt strange to run, didn't manage very much but then again you can't on the first attempt. Was wondering the the clapping behind me was, turns out it was my ass cheeks cheering me on! Then when got home did 120 ab crunches, 80 reps for triceps and biceps and few push-ups thrown in. If I could just somehow motivate myself to do that or something else, any exercise at all in fact every other day then I think I would stay on top of it all. Maybe I need Miss Piggy's pink aerobics outfit and leg warmers to get me motivated?

Anyhow still not had a cigarette, still want one regularly, afternoons and evenings are the worst, morning and during the day is fine. I am glad for my electric nicotine ciggy tho it comes in very handy when you're about to walk into the shop to buy some. It just stops you.

I think this week I have noticed something else too. I haven't been swearing much at all, in comparison to the last two weeks. Apart from 4 am this morning when Poppy the Princess decides to start barking downstairs for no valid reason. I stomps down barks at her and stomps back to bed. 4 minutes later she starts again. I stomps back down, grabs her face and puts my nose to her nose and very sternly tell her no and stomps back up. 10 minutes later she starts again. I stomps down yet again this time swearing like a navy seal, storms straight to the chewy jar, throws some chewies on floor and stomps back upstairs to bed. That did shut her up, but guess if I could get back to sleep?

Yep so I am tired. So I think will watch the last few acts of 'America has not got talent' and go to bed.

Day 15- I have nothing punchy?

I was sat there just thinking for 15 minutes, wondering what I should put on the title after 15 days. Could not think of anything relevant, funny or bitchy. Oh deary me.

Have had a great weekend, been real busy with day trip to Liverpool yesterday to see my therapy tutors for planning some future workshops. Was a great day, so lovely to see them and had lunch bought for me. I Also had my wrist slapped as they did teach me DDM (Dynamic Deep meditation) meditation few years back and I did practise for about a year but then little by little it just got faded in the background noise of busy lifestyle.  The crazy thing is that i don't know why as it makes me feel so good, see things so clearly and relaxes me a lot. So I had my mantra reintroduced, which I had funnily enough forgot so much that it was like really wrong. And this particular style meditation has to be reintroduced in a right way by the teacher to get you back on track. I am now determined for time being spending 10 mins in morning and same in the afternoon meditating. Since they re-introduced me with a session of part hypnosis and meditation, I feel SO GREAT! I am happy, bubbly, energetic...the benefits are great, so let me not forget it!

Came home from my road trip to spend an evening with a good friend who I had not seen for a while, we had one of them real proper chats for hours. Good to share.

Today I got up at noon. Yep. Was bit tired so slept for 12 hours without any distractions at all and woke up feeling fab, did my 10 min meditation and then proceeded with action for the next 10 hours with energy like there is no tomorrow, cleaned the whole house, did shopping, did all laundry, had 2 long walks with dogs, cooked some great food, did my friends nails and she did mine and they look great, made some important documents, had great time with a friend and finally, now, sat down to have a little chill out. If I could have this much energy every single day it would be totally amazing.

I love my little vaporator, I spent an evening on Friday at a friends house and she as well as her boyfriend smoked all evening and I stuck to my electronic version, no problems. And the friend that I have spent much time this weekend with is a smoker but again my electronic cig saved me. So I am glad I got it as it could have got hairy otherwise.

I do seem to get a real bad situation once a day past few days when I really, really want a cigarette, but it is not more than that, week ago it was once every 2 minutes so this is a vast improvement.

I have a nice busy 6 day working week ahead of me, but then after next weekend it will be a measly Monday to work and then Freedom and trip to Finland for 2 weeks. YAYAYY!

So all and all, cruising along pretty well... so far I have saved £90.00.

Have a great week ya all!

Random notes:
It is very difficult to open a pack of cereal, milk carton and have a toilet break when you have wet nails.

It is rather amusing when you search for good pictures for this blog and you put the words 'happy smoker' in google, you get lets of sweetly smiling ladies proper posing...you do get much more too...but that just tickled me, who saves their posing photo as 'happy smoker' ?

Day 12 - Vaporator

Today has been a pretty good day on all accounts. Yesterday I was just busy and shattered so shall skip that entirely.
We have had sunshine today, YAY! That alone in this flooding damp summer was something that bought a smile on my face from start.

I had my VAPORATOR (said with Arnie's Australian accent from his early movie career) delivered yesterday(to normal people this is the e-cig or electronic cigarette) It is fab, I went with stainless steel design which feels expensive and well made in hand, it works just as it should after I charged the batteries, that in itself was a surprise, it only took 20 minutes for full charge on first charging which is very impressive. It lasted all day yesterday and today as well. But to be fair I am not puffing on it much as I am now on day 12 so I would imagine the battery would have died much sooner if I was on my first day and if I hadn't any other aids. I got mine from company called Liberty Flights and can say I am happy with the quality, price and the testing so far. It is perfect for those moments that I struggle. So far I am having one or two puffs maybe 4-6 times a day.

Want to find out more?
Here...now remember I did all the hard work and spent 7 hours looking thru the hundreds of web pages and products in my nicotine withdrawal. This is the place and product I chose that I felt offered the best price vs quality vs comments made on different products. But there are tons more out there and some a lot cheaper initially but more expensive to keep vaping.
http://www.liberty-flights.co.uk/

It came with pre-filled cartridges and I thought the taste and the nicotine hit was very strong. I only realised today that those were pre-filled with the high nicotine stuff, so that's why. The liquids that I bought were medium strength and now having tried one of them, I think I need the light stuff.

I have so far only tried vanilla flavour and it is great, and you feel like you are having something as you get the vapour so you feel you are really sucking something like smoke in, altho it is harmless vapour with some nicotine. Not much different from the patches or gum or other replacement products.

And honestly, I really never ever need to have a real cigarette again.

Ok, I am off my soap box now, enough about that. I am sure you all get it, I have a new toy and I like it.

I did got to my SAS meeting today, it was really busy, must have been 12 of us in various stages of not smoking, ranging from 0 days to 16 weeks and was very motivating yet again to listen to it all.  Everyone was upbeat, few people had struggled, others were not having any problems, and everyone is eating loads. So I feel less guilty about scoffing my face at this moment in time. I have already noticed that I look like I am pregnant. I was overweight before I started and now I am even more overweight. But I have promised myself a month to do whatever as long as I don't smoke, but soon I must reign this flab in somehow.

Should anyone want to come and drag me to gym I would much appreciate it! Or a lomg walk, or badminton, anything at all!!! Pleaseeeee!!! I can only have willpower about one thing at the time.

I have now removed the annoying word approval thingy from the comments to this blog, which should make your comments so much easier. So hoping to get some more. And thanks Muikku for being one that keeps saying something, at least i know someone is reading for sure :)

Oh, big fat gypsy wedding is on telly....gotta dash! Ta Taa!

Cigarettes 0
Large Kebabs 1
Lollies 2
I don't think I have upset anybody today, but I am just about going to send a text message that just might change that :D Mjäh mjäh...

Day 10 - Reindeer Piss :)

In northern Finland (Lapland) they have this saying, reindeer piss away. What it means is that when the reindeer is on the move, migrating, that the reindeer piss is the farthest distance they can travel without having a pee.
So Reindeer piss  is a measure of distance, and in the case of this blog, a measure of time and distance. I have now got reindeer piss distance from my quit date. The Reindeer piss is considered a small distance, something one could walk quite easily. *maximum of 7.5 km in fact*

What I am trying to say is that it might feel like a reindeer piss is an awfully long time and a long way, and it really really isn't considering that they can travel miles upon miles more than that in a day, reindeer piss is just a fraction of that. Really nothing at all.

I feel like I have come a long way, but really every day still is a real battle. Today was considerably easier than yesterday. Yesterday was 5th Circle of Dantes infermo (wrath & sullenness) and today was merely 1st Circle (Limbo). Although if we need to find a positive note, I have not yet resorted to heresy, violence, fraud or treachery, levels 6-9. But I would say there is time yet.

On another note, I have not noticed (so far) any increased MI5 or MI6 activity around me, my blog, my house, or work as I was expecting few postings back, but then again those robots searching the naughty words on the tinterweb do take a little time. So it could happen any day now.

So yeah I have decided to order me an electronic cigarette type of thing for those days just like yesterday. Because if I am honest, I don't think I have the willpower left to handle many more of those.

So me being me, I goes searching the tinterweb. 7 hours later...I finally choose my product after looking thru ALL of them ever invented. Comparing prices and performance and reading hundreds of reviews.
Well what I have got coming is like the Ferrari of electronic smokes. Don't do half measures me. I like good stuff. This better be good! Or we have Dantes inferno level 7 coming right up!

In those 7 hours this is what I learnt...the people who use them tend to call it vaping instead of smoking as it is sheer harmless vapour that you are sucking into your lungs thru one of these things. Normal cigarette is called the analogue...the old fashioned, stinking, expensive analogue. That really cracked me up!
And you have nicotine in these things, either as ready to pop in little cartridges or liquid that you refill, depending on the vaping device. Now then, cigarettes come in various strengths and flavours. So you can have 3 different strengths and the forth is zero nicotine for those who reduce their nicotine intake gradually and still might have to puff on a vapour but don't need the nicotine anymore, have just got to rid of the final little habit side of things. So real cigarettes, they all do have that cigarette taste don't they? Well now for your enhanced vaping experience you can have just about any flavour you can imagine. I think only thing I didn't see was fish & chips flavour!

First of all you can have your Camel, Marlborough, cigar, etc flavours, but you can also have vanilla, coke, fruits of the Forrest, whiskey, chocolate, pear, apple, strawberry....you name it, they got it.

They did not, however have any diet coke ladies :D

As to how much of this flavour you can actually tell while 'vaping' I have no idea until mine is delivered. But I will be sure to tell you.

Now on some level I think I am cheating this quitting thing if I need Champix and nicotine on the tough moments. But to be honest, anything right now that will stop me from having the real deal analogue, stinking, cancer causing , expensive fag is considered a bonus. Every single minute, every single packet I am not buying is all good, no matter what it takes. Fuck it. This is how I am doing it this time. you gotta problem with it please feel free to write, in 3 copies of course to:

I don't really give a shit
999 Fekking avenue
666 Inferno

Your letter will be attended to by one of our every so cheerful customer service representatives as soon as they can spare time from torturing the poor souls trying to be good by quitting smoking. You will know when you receive one, it is signed in blood and has a faint smell of smoke and the edges of paper may be slightly burnt.

That's about all I have to say today. Apart from the fact that work was STUPID busy. I was gonna get real stressed and annoyed but kept saying Fuck it, relaxing and taking just one thing at a time, just like my latest mentor, yes The 'Fuck It' book tells me to.

Cigarettes 0
Wine - Yes, we had to have some (we??? me...as if the dogs shared!)
Upset co-workers 1
Training materials printed and organised 250 pages
Lodger contracts drafted for the next lodger 1 (yep, I got one going out and another coming in August time, yay!)
Aromatherapy orders for friends, family, training course chef and me: 1 (took me ages) this trading stuff that's cheap in England for favours or stuff in or from Finland is great even when it does set me back 100 pounds, it is still worth every single penny!
E-mails sent: 20
Text messages sent: 200 (most for work, yes that is how busy it was!) I think I sent 3 on personal level...rest on the 1 finger analogue piece of ancient history that is called my work phone and all work related and mainly consisting of numbers.
Breakdowns dealt with : around 20
Exercise: 2 walks, about an hour, what I had no more time
Alarms slept through: 1 I woke up WAY late this morning, the rest is history. I was late. Day was hell. Fuck it.
I think you re bored now, so I will stop.
We can just conclude I have had a busy day!

Oh, and I is NOT so impressed with the lack of comments, sharing or liking with them facebook buttons. Come on people, don't keep me all to yourself!

Day 9 - Hell

Morning was fine, during the day was little challenging at times, but got throught it. But since 4pm today all I have been thinking about is having a cigarette and really wanting one, permanently.
I have been doing so well, I don't know what the heck this is. I am really, really struggling. But I have not walked out to buy any. I am grinding teeth a lot, giving everything the 'Evil Eye' and since almost finishing the F**k It book I am repeating that an awfull lot. I am saying fuck it to just about eveything today, which supposedly will set me free. I am really rather peeved off and likely to shout and bite heads off it anyone even considered speaking to me.

I am thinking I need to go to bed just to make this day end.

They say smoking kills. Yep when someone is trying to quit they might just kill someone.

That's all I have to say :/

Cigarettes 0
Nothing else to report at all. Pah.Grrr. Räyh. Hmph.

*Shit, Poppy just ate inhaler No 2*

Mind, Body and Spirit Sunday

Well, well I am not sure how you will all cope with another positive-ish blog post from the moaning mini, but here goes:

Went to a Mind, Body and Spirit fair in Leeds today with a friend. I do go to around 4 of these things every year. Mainly to get some new cards, jewellery or books or a good massage. I like holistic therapies and this was one of the reasons why I became FreewayCER Meridian Energy Therapy Tutor some years back. I am training next bunch of therapists in Finland in 3 weeks time on a rural summer cottage by the ocean and can't wait, it will be fab!

Anyhow, I like these fairs as there is always something interesting, if nothing else, interesting people and conversations. And other times some new holistic techniques. This was one of those times. I was wondering if I should spend my remaining money on a cool OM necklace or a massage after we had wondered about, bought a few books and had lunch. Decided to go for the necklace but then someone had just bought it so I could not have it.

We then had a look around at the various stands offering various different massage techniques. Now my friend said that one would wind me up, this one group was massaging people while making a whooshing sound and it advertised as innersound.org and Qi energy treatment. Well my interest sparked immediately as I am very familiar with Qi and energy flow and such like matters so I decided to give it a try.
This is their website and they are based in Manchester for those who might have an interest:
http://www.innersound.org/index.php/qi-treatment

It was great, what was somewhat strange and not something I have had done before was massaging my tummy. And he spent what seemed like an eternity doing it and also went back to it later. Afterwards I told him that it was weird, and he told me that he felt I had various blockages around the stomach area and that stomach meridian is very closely connected to lung meridian and as he felt my lungs had problems as well, he gave that area extra #umph# of energy. Anyhow, the entire experience was fabulous and I feel GREAT!

They also do 3 hour little workshops one Saturday each month which has a similar but bit deeper massage, some meditation, movement of Qi exercises and lunch. This will go to one of those in September!

Anyhow, I have seen this book called F**k It- The ultimate Spiritual Way a number of times and I did in fact meet the author while back in a previous fair and yet haven't bought the book, been thinking about it. But somehow now, quitting smoking the title called to me. Might be my frame of mind, might be that I am now ready for the message. Whatever the reason, this time I bought it. I gulped 65 pages down as soon as I got home. It is sheer brilliance. It is a spiritual book, but for a western mind. And since I have taken the liberty or saying fuck when ever I feel like it in this blog for the obvious nicotine withdrawal reasons, this bloke, John C Parkin makes it quite literally a spiritual way of freeing yourself from stress and all the things that cause you pain. So would highly recommend the book to just about anyone. you can order it here:
http://www.thefuckitlife.com/shop.htm

What was very funny as well today...my friend is a smoker. She smokes roll ups. when we get to Leeds I ask her if she wants to have a cigarette before we go in and she says no. After our lunch she wants to go out for a cigarette and I decide to keep her company. There is nobody else outside having one. And she can't find her papers :D I was in hysterics! So she could not have one. There was no shop close by and nobody smoking outside so she could have asked for a cigarette or a paper. So she had to go without the entire trip.
She took it very well to be fair, but I just thought it was so funny.

So fantastic day, I have wanted cigarette approximately once an hour, which is a vast improvement from once a minute.

Cigarettes 0
Wine 2 glasses of Marlborough Savignon Blanc to go with my new Fuck It book
Music: Codega & George Michael
Exercises:  1.5 hours walking dogs, 2 hours walking around the fair
Food: Baked potato with chili and cheese, tacos, pear pie (same as apple pie but with pears) 1 lollipop, Crunchy Nut serial

1 week down - Eternity to go!

So there first week is drawing to and end. It has been hell if I am honest, especially for the first 4 days.
Yes there was few hickups but all and all, I have had 3 cigarettes instead of the 120 that I would have had in the last 7 days. So one can call that a victory for sure. I just need to find the will to keep going.

I went out last night to see some live bands and it was the first outing to the smoke filled world all week.
What was very nice was the fact that my friend who I went with decided to have electronic cigarette for the eveving so that I would not be left alone indoors while everyone else milled outside for cigarettes.

This of course caused me to try this electronic cigarette. It was fantastic! Tasted million times better than cigarettes, no smell and the best way I can describe the taste is that it was sweet waffles with maple syrup and of course gave you a nicotine buzz.

Next thing I noticed was 3 other people in the pub with electronic cigarettes. Now the funny thing to me was that they all were using it in a very coy way, like hiding it a little, slightly embarassed. I wonder why...afterall when we go out to smoke a smelly cancer stick we hold our head up high ad there is no embarassment what so ever!

Anyhow the bands were great, company and being social fantastic so really enjoyed myself.

And although I drank plenty of wine I got out of bed this morning full of energy. Went for an hours walk with the dogs, cleaned the house, did all laundry, did weekly shopping,gave one of the dogs a bath, spent 2 hours chatting to a possible new lodger, walked the dogs again, played with them, cooked great dinner.

It was nice to feel this level of energy after most of the week feeling lethargic and depressed!

However I have noticed I am talking to myself now, rather than laughing at my own thoughts, we have moved onto talking load of rubbish to myself out loud. Hmmm.

Ooh and I found megabag of sour fruit mini Chupa Chups lollies in Asda...stocked up with few bags!

Cigs 0
Money saved so far £39.50
Music: 3 Doors down
Food: ham & cheese toastie, tacos, pecan platt, bag of crisps. (Yeah I know I gotta do something about this! crap, crap and more crap!)

Random brain vomit

Still not had a cigarette...Seems I have to keep writing today to keep the cigarettes at bay!

But Ok now I have spent far too much time on my own, I am having entire conversations in my head and laughing at my own jokes. This is not something I normally do, but tonight I have quite literally been doing the LOL and the PMSL. Most of the time people use those to comment on stuff while they sit there stony faced. I was just doing it...all by myself, at random thougts in my head.
They did say that you get crazy dreams with Champix and I have to say the nightly showtime has been most awsome. But laughing at voices in your head? But I was having fun, so guess that counts? Right? RIGHT???

Once of the very randoms thoughts lately was about how this bloke got police storming into his house when he had posted something on his facebook about bombing everyone because he was having a bad day. At that point I told myself best be carefull about saying something stupid like planning on murdering the Queen or bombing the Olympics or I will have the Swat team here in no time. OMG. I have just said it. This nicotine withdrawal really makes me do stupid stuff!

So if the security in this country really is as good as it should be, then visits to my blog should now explode while various MI5 and/or MI6 agents read every single line I have published and check my entire life, friends, ex boyfriends and then within 24 hours I would be in some cell for some form of questioning. (hah, would not feel so lonesome then would I?) I should also get a very slow look from the passport control when I try to fly to Finland in few weeks for a holiday. And yet I am perfectly normal person talking loads of rubbish just because I have just stopped smoking. One of the laughing attacks was me thinking how god damn bored these MI5 agents would be after researching all that and realising how boring and normal my life really is, for example in comparison to theirs, or just about anybodys for that matter!

And how damn handy it would be to have MI5 keeping surveillance on my house for a while since someone did try and break into my very home this week as mentioned on a previous post!

All this thought process sort of started in my head from hearing from a dear friend who has been suddenly stormed by police this week in one scandinavian country and thrown in prison for 60 hours, bruised and mobile phone broken. Without going to any of the details further, this person had done absolutely nothing wrong whatsoever, was manhandled quite roughly and then was released once the police did realise their mistake. This incident and the behaviour of the police in question was totally disgusting and uneccessary considering the reason behind the arrest would not even have warranted any violence or rough handling whatsoever, and we are talking about a very petite, sophisticated lady here. Just hope she can get over the ordeal and put it behind her. But once you have a shock like that, it is not something you will very quickly forgive and forget.

And just to create some exitement in life, I will soon find out if I should receive similar sort of fate in the good old UK now that I have said things one should never say publicly, no matter how nicotine deprived one was!

Moving swiftly on, randomness of different kind... I have been watching some of these very young finnish teenagers posting all these 'Press like button and I will list 5 things I like about you, or I will list all the boys who press like in cuteness order, or I will tell you what I think about you' sort of things on facebook and they seem to be having great fun doing it and a big group of kids is taking part and so on and forth. And then I am looking at the statuses of some english teenagers around same age and it is all effin, blinding, drinking, calling people names, having arguments publicly on facebook and I am thinking my god what a totally 2 different planets the similar age teenagers live in. They should do teenage swap between the 2 countries for a week or two, now there's a reality show I would watch and it would be damn entertaining!

Also I was wondering what my dogs feel about this, now that I can smell how bad smokers really stink again, makes me wonder what the dogs with sense of smell so much keener than a normal human being are thinking of me now that I stink far less. Are they worried as their companion smells completely different, are they glad I smell better? If they could talk what would they say?

So as you see, some real random stupid thoughts, either down to my withdrawal or Champix or just vivid imagination, not sure which yet.

I am looking forward meeting some new people and some old friends this coming weekend tho, maybe socialising a bit will get me out of this bubble called my head.

Day 5 - It really is the real day 1- It's a new dawn, it's a new day!

Just got back from SAS meeting (=AA for smokers) had a very good session and nice to hear all the stories again. This time I decided I would give the group the address to this blog so maybe they can laugh, cry, comment and share the journey with me. As for everyone else reading, please do share the link on facebook, would be nice to reach some people who might be thinking of quitting and hear stories from those who already have.

Today is really the real day 1 as I have not fallen into the same pitfall as I did Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. Altho I only had one cigarette each day instead of 20, it still isn't really a proper non-smoking day. So I dont know if I should start the count from today or keep to day 5 as I have been to hell and back in the last 5 days and today finally feels like the turning point when things have been little easier, I have been more positive and the lollipops have tasted fab. Also my sense of smell has returned properly already. I was walking past colleagues desk smelled her toffee yogurt like it was actually in my mouth. It was a crazy feeling, week ago I would not have smelled that aroma at all.

I am still craving cigarettes very regularly, but I don't have the murderous sheen in my eyes or the shakes and sweat running off me like Niagra.

So I am enjoying this moment , having a chill out evening at home and looking forward to going out tomorrow evening to a live gig at Sowerby Bridge and Mind, Body and Spirit Fair in Leeds Saturday or Sunday.

I am rapidly running out of Chupa Chups Mini lollies so will stock up tomorrow, I have inhaler, dog ate the last one last night but I got 2 more now to suck on inbetween the lollies.

My chest infection is finally shifting and feeling better for that too.

So far I have saved £28 in the past 5 days! WOW!

So a good day. (about time I hear you sigh after all that moaning, not to worry I am sure I will find things to complain about again in the next few days!!)

Cigarettes 0
Wine 0
F-words used 0
Dates: One planned :)
Music: No time
Chupa Chups consumed: 3
Upset customers: 0

Ta Taa!

Day 4 *Sigh*

The name of the blog shoud really be smoking Miia.

I just think it  would be more apt. I am just a SUCKER!

When I quit Saturday I had 6 cigarettes left. That was a mistake, I should have thrown them in the bin for sure. Monday, Tuesday and today I have had to have 1 of them after work. There has been nothing I could have done to stop myself apart from not having them in the house in the first place. So there was still 3 left, I have now thrown them in the bin an hour ago. Better late than never I suppose.

I think due to the above I have made this much harder for myself. I have struggled everyday, all day. work has been hellishly busy and today was the first time I was heard shouting the f-word very loudly (even scared myself to be honest!)

I am now sat here hugging a very cold bottle of wine in my shaking sweaty hands. Yep you guessed it, the sweats are back. I would imagine the room temperature is +19-20C right now which is perfectly normal and I am sweating like I was in Peruvian jungle climbing a very steep mountain with a mountain goat with a silly beard strapped to my back.

I feel very uncomfortable but at this point there is no point for a shower as it would be rendered pointless 10 minutes after it. So I will sit here until it damn well stops and then have a shower.

I am wondering if I should take a suitcase of clothes to work tomorrow and do the 8 hour show with hourly costume changes? That would confuse people!

Also I am feeling like the most anti-social person in the world. I spent the whole weekend alone and have been alone every evening this week. On one hand this has been planned as every single friend I have smokes and it is probably good I have tried to stay away from temptation this first week so I haven't contacted anyone to do anything. But now I feel extra down and like Billy-No-Mates.

Mind you, right now I am cranky, smelly and depressed so who the heck would want to keep me company anyhow? Even the dogs are keeping their distance this evening!

Jheezuz I can moan, most of this really is the quitting smoking, I really am not this negative and depressed all the time, I swear!!!

Thats it, I am going away, back into my little box since I have nothing whatsoever positive to say.

Cigarettes: 1
Wine: glass No 2 on the go right now
Music: None
Dates: Don't even go there!
Food: Lots of mini Chuba Chubbs lollypops and other junk
Excersise: Naah, De Nada.
*Sigh*

Day 2 - Frikk-a-geddon

I thought I was cruising along pretty nicely, I got somewhere around lunchtime before I was having hard time. It was really busy at work all day which was good, then this afternoon I had the pleasure to be shouted at by one customer for 20 minutes solid without me much getting a word in edgeways. I held the phone 50cm away from my head and half the office could hear him shouting, thats how pleasant it was. I did do pretty well not to lose my marbles and shout back, it was knife edge moment for sure. From that moment on I was not in a happy place at all and was thinking of various ways of murdering customers very slowly and painfully while having this crazy sheen in my bloodshot eyes.

I did march into bosses office first thing this morning, asked him if he has been told about swearing, bullying silly co-worker and he said he had heard and words with him have been had. I told him that should he try a similar episode this week that I would punch his lights out, the boss said to give him a nod before I do it and he will turn his back :D I did explain that I am likely to be stressed and on edge due to giving up smoking, just wanted to give him heads up before I do something really bad (I am likely, afterall I did mess up rather royally few things last time round) So at least I have advance warned him. Ha, I now have free reign of crazy!!! *I wish*

I also lost all concentration, it's what I like to call the goldfish moment, apart from the fact that it lasts for few days rather than a moment. This is what really will get me into trouble if anything. I just loose the ability to concentrate at all, in fact you can say something and quite literally seconds later I am asking you what you said. This on a breakdown desk is not good, you need to remember stuff when shit hits the fan and you have 25 juggling balls up in the air. I will the ADHD kid for a week or two I am afraid and there ain't nothing much I can do about it.

 I got into my car when work finished, sped off tires screeching from work, pulled over to Tesco and bought some wine and as I was standing at the till, remebered half a dozen things that I was supposed to have done before leaving office, all urgent. The cashier looked somewhat offfended and surprised as I let go various of swear words while getting my money out to pay for my shopping. I then blushed, apologised and started sweating and ran into the car. I sat there for few minutes considering if I should go back to work, or ignore it and do it all properly tomorrow. I decided it would have to wait, however being a fairly responsible person who likes to do her job well, by the time I got home I had played all the possible scenarios in my head of the boss calling me to the office and shouting at me, the co-workers being pissed off having to mop up after me and so on and forth that I dashed in, grabbed the dogs and my emergency fag supply and went to the park and had a cigarette.

It did taste rather awful, I am disapointed, but I am not going to beat myself over the head with it. I am not going to have another today if I can resist, or tomorrow if I am able. That is a far as I am willing to think about it at this moment in time. Just doing the best I can, one cigarette at a time. Right now I have had a lovely home made lasagne for dinner and could murder the head of state for just one cigarette but I will keep resisting. Also I am thinking that normally in the past 2 days I would have had approx 35 cigarettes, so one isn't really that bad.

But this quitting business is damn hard, who ever says it isn't is bloody lying and has obviously never smoked.

On a bright note, my chinese lodger and me had a first long nice chat, talked about english food, chinese food, is there really still the law in china about people only being allowed 1 child, (yes in the cities, poor people on coutry side can have as many as they want but mostly they starve as having too many when youre too poor means you all starve) and that the mainland china government has decided that facebook and twitter are banned, so you have to pirate, get a special software to get into facebook and twitter and you could get arrested or fined very heavily for doing it.(HONESTLY!!! Freedom of information my ass!!) And the unfairness of how hard it is to get a visa for a chinese person who just wants to holiday in Europe. And then we had discussion about how much things cost, like food and living. She then tasted my lasagne, I tasted her chicken with celery and both decided that both were awsome. Very enlightening indeed. It's good to bond.

Oh forgot as well, someone broke into my house last night. I woke up to dogs barking at 4am. Thought nothing of it and went back to sleep. Got up in morning and wondered why garden gate was open and why someone had moved my flowerpots from my window to the wall next to it. Put it all back as it was supposed to be, sat down with my coffee and then the realisation hit me: (yep, me dumb bitch, took me full 10 minutes) The window was wide open, they had moved the flowerpots so they could stand on the windowsil to climb in. Then I dashed around the downstairs madly, see if anything was missing. Nothing was. So the dogs barking had driven them away. THANK GOD! So pondering and fretting over this most of the morning drew my attention away from the fact that I didn't have a cigarette with my morning coffee. But very worrying that...this neighbourhood just lately had not been so great!!

And on that note, I smell very bad so I will go for a hot shower and wash my worries away, until whatever.

Cigarettes: 1
Wine: 1 bottle
Food: cereal, yogurt,pasta, bag of crips 25g, lasagne
Dates with elidgable bachelors: 0
Good chats with chinese people: 1
FreewayCER manuals printed: 4
Upset customers: 1
Music: Apocalyptica (to get the agro out) and Cafe Del Mar 20th Anniversary album to try and find my ZEN!
Excersise: what fucking excersise???? piss off! what can I eat next????

Day 1

Sunday 14:28
Somewhere around 2 am last night I decided to have my last cigarette and since I had 6 left in the packet, I decided to write on them and have them as my emergency stash. Probably not wise but I was not able to throw them in a bin.
It is now 12.5 hours since I had my last cigarette, but I have only been awake for just over and hour so I am sure there is some interesting times ahead for the day.

I know I should be keeping busy today, but after being a very busy bee yesterday and having some wine last night, I feel shattered. I did sleep for 11 hours so really should be full of beans but not the case.

I have decided that if I manage smokefree for a month, I will get myself Samsung Galaxy s3. I need a nice goal and I really want one of those!

14:57 vacuumed downstairs. Bored and want a cigarette.

15:34 did 100 abdominal cruches and messed about with dumb bells. Bored.

16:10 Had dinner, still want a cigarette. Jesus this day is taking forever! Good thing I am going to work tomorrow, and I hope it will be busy so I can just get my head down and work through. I am hoping that I dont get the usual throwing up and trots of day 2, since that could be teeny weeny bit challenging at work!

18:50 Very very nearly caved in. Been telling myself that maybe the process would be easier if I had just one cigarette a day for few days. Thats the addiction talking. Did FreewayCER tapping, that made it pass for now. Watched Horrible Bosses movie and didn't think much of it, in fact the little bloke whining was really getting on my nerves LOL
Walked the dogs as well, that was ok, only time today when I wasnt thinking about fags. I am thinking another movie and then take-away. And then bed and end to this stupidly long day. Altho I have only been awake 6 hours, would prefer to put the whole day behind me already!

21:05 Second movie watched, take-away demolished. I think I am gonna go to be cause otherwise I will end up smoking one.

Good Nite x

Cigarettes 0
Wine 0
Dates 0
Music 0
Movies: Horrible Boss and Four Lions, both rubbish.
Excersise: 2 walks, abs and arms given workout.
Gosh what a boring life I live!