Well well well. Sorry my dearest, I have been somewhat occupied, what with life and stuff and not having anything intelligent nor insulting or entertaining to say.
I am still alive. Today is day Day 28 of The serious quit attempt version 4.0.
My god, I had to count that...like in calendar as I had no idea where I am. Just feels like I have been quitting for ever and ever and I am thoroughly fed up with it all.
Just want rid of the damn thing now for good.
So last post was Day 5 and since then...well we had Xmas and there was minor hick-up then when I had a cigarette or two, unbeknown to anyone or not...few people know, most don't but probably figured it out from the smell and I just think they don't know. Anyhow, since then not a puff. I have not had any nicorette gums either. I have used the e-cig only few times. mostly in the first 2 weeks but last 2 weeks we have gone with one fill-up of the tank which is equalent to couple fo fags...so not much. None today at all. I want to be rid of nicotine in my system this time before the Champix runs out. Since Day 4.05 I have been dumped, rather unceremoniously too in the fashion of...ooh, I won't answer my phone or messages and she will figure it out stylee and also since then have had a couple fo dates with someone new and I think I managed to screw that up too. Takes special talent, I'd say!
Is it easier quitting 4th time around? In some ways yes...you just grind your teeth and get on with it, afterall youre kinda used to wanting something all the time now. I don't have the rage in me I had the first time around all the time, this time it is just occasional. Some ways No..I miss cigarettes, I wonder all the time if I have upset, irritated or driven away people I care about. I brood and drink far too much and eat of course. Dating wise I am actually starting to wonder if the fact that I can't get a bloke in a serious relationship sense is down to the fact that I am down right miserable nicotine starved bitch and have been for last 2 years and I either drive them away or is it that I am just old, fat and boring woman that bores them within few dates. Or I am so fussy that I want a prince on a stick with gold spoon in his pretty mouth and that is why I turn all the good guys away and just end up dating total asswipes.
I recon in reality...it is all of the above.
More likely it is because I am a bitch spinster from hell even when I smoke, afterall I did manage to smoke and be single for 4 years prior the first quit attempt.
Is it easier...no again, I am sick and tired of having the post quit sweats. I have spoken about this before. I am hot and sweaty all the time and it is really so annoying that I have officially decided I will not be joining menopause at all. What with the hot flushes and shit...after all this quitting smoking, that will make me start again!
It was -2c outside this morning at 7am and I was in skirt and pantyhose walking the dogs, with the jacket open and still feeling too warm! Honestly that is not normal!!
Maybe I have got menopause already?
Nobody in the world, like ever, said that they were sweating a lot after they quit. Or that they were feeling very warm, which is a nice a charming way of saying it , rather than me talking about stinking sweat. Am I alone here? Someone please tell me this is just a passing phase and that this is in fact something to do with quitting smoking. I don't wanna be menopausal yet. I am not ready...it would confirm spinsterhood!
New things to report this quit attempt around is that I am smoking, in my dreams. I have now had number of dreams where I wake up feeling awfull that I failed again cause I have had a cigarette in my dream. That never happened before. I am kind of hoping that it might be because my unconscious mind is now finally dealing with this quitting business like I might mean it for real. They say it takes unconscious mind 3 times of repeating something until it believes it to be true. Maybe in case of quitting smoking it was four. This time it might just be that all levels of my being are working on this final attempt.
I also had the strangest moment one evening, suddenly my mouth filled in matter of nanosecond with a smoke flavour and breath. I can not quite explain it, it was as if the ghost of smoking was leaving the body and wanted to give that last caress in it's wake. Totally strange occurence. And I am very melodramatic and far too into metaphysical but that is me, take it or leave it. It was weird whatever was going on.
And it tasted so real as if I had just gone outside and had a cigarette.
Other than that, new job and I have to learn everything from scratch, something I have never done before and it has been quite challenging but also very interesting for the past few weeks. Time will tell how I get on, I am hoping well.
Gym, well I am training my little ass off doing Super 8 interval training combined with whole body weights after and I am giving my damn everything to it. I am not loosing any weight but I am not gaining any right now either.
How long I can keep this up with no reward is a mystery to me, one would like to see some improvement to one way or another, but so far all I can say is that I feel every muscle in my body as I swagger around but it is still to me the same body with the same flab and wobbly bits. Who knows why I am doing this and what will come of it if anything but I am sure leaving lot of aggression at the pure gym after each visit, and I come out feeling better and happy.
So there you go my loveliest readers, extra long post for you....took me all evening to bleed all this out. Might be a while before the next one so take care and do say hello x Nitey Night!
