Day 5 -Rollercoaster Life

I am alive, and have not had a cigarette for five days. That's about as much as I can say really.

I keep having really annoying things happen but that has not broken me yet. Like breaking the screen on my mobile on Friday and then finding out it would cost £150 to repair as this particular model, you can't just change the glass, but the whole 3 levels of LCD and amoled and glass. Or like today when I found out that my first paycheck from my new job will be 6 weeks from now and somehow I need to celebrate Xmas with half months wage that won't even pay all the bills for this month, never mind Xmas food or fun. Or things like eating some food or buying fuel to get to work in the month of January.Or the washing machine leaking from somewhere inside and really should be replaced before I get the new floor fitted this week, which of course is impossibility if you refer back to the above. Or me being a numpty and cutting a toenail too short and bleeding all over a cream rug.

However, all is not doom and gloom. Yesterday we had a lovely walk at Ogden water with my sister and her boyfriend and the dogs, followed by a very nice pub meal in a true gem of a place that we just discovered. And my meal was paid for (Thank you!!) Saturday was pretty good day too, got my laminate bought for the floor, with the price of the kitchen for both rooms, living room and kitchen. Have a chap coming to get started with it Wednesday, which means I will have a floor before our visitors from Finland arrive on Friday. I also now have a leak free bathroom, thanks to my sisters boyfriends days of tinkering with it and doing it like it should have been done in the first place. (Thank you!!!)

I also decided to give whole bunch of grief to my insurance company who in their infinite wisdom decided that they would delay things for me (water damage, no floor issue for those who don't know) and ask for yet another quote and thus delay the new floor until new year and on the phone I went. Somehow, even though nicotine deprived, I did not shout or scream or demand to speak to the manager but I gave little old Richard on the end of the phone run for his money and pointed out very clearly their errors and after him going away for few minutes to think about me, my arguments and reasoning's, he met me half way and agreed a sum majority of the repair and arranged to raise a cheque for it. Hence I was able to get things organised to ensure they get done for Xmas. This happened on day 2 and if this had been the first or second attempt to quit smoking and the same situation came along, I would have probably first screamed red faced and then thrown my phone at the wall or window, and promptly walked to the shop and bought some cigs. So not bad going really for a Day 2.

I started my new job today. Good news is that nobody in my new team smokes. I know as I have superhuman sense of smell again for the next few weeks. In fact I recon for a big place like it is, I only smelled smoke on 1 person today which is pretty damn impressive. Of course there is more than that but at least I won't be smelling the temptation very often. I have read every single thing about every procedure and policy and rule and thing that they ever came up with, I have also studied fire safety, manual handling and economical working positions today and taken a test on all three and passed of course. (can't help being awesome...pmsl) They expected me to take day and a half doing this, so when I popped in and announced that I had done it all, read it all, some jaws dropped. One reads very fast when when one likes reading on ones free time.  Now we are back to the downfalls of superhuman sense of smell, like the bad breaths, sweat and farts. I smell all of them and I am convinced that I stink, today although I had sprayed myself with half bottle of deodorant and other half bottle of perfume, I am sure everyone within 5 metre radius could smell my sweat. Sweat of the stress of a new job and environment and the day five of 4000 chemicals pouring out of my pores trying to escape my body that is desperately trying to clean itself up yet again.

Anyhow this has been one really stupid crazy month in every single way. Like a roller coaster ride that you don't know if you liked or not, but it sure took up a whole lot of your adrenaline.

They call it life.


There is a saying....Life is like a roller coaster, it has it's ups and downs but it is up to you if you scream or enjoy the ride.

I am really, really, really trying to enjoy the ride.

Right now I could murder for a cigarette, but in word of Michael from the smokers group...I am a smoker, but I choose not to have one today.

I have made many bad choices in my life, this time, for once I am trying to make the right choice one last time.

Have a great week ya all that happen to be reading x

Day 3 - Dejavu of a Dejavu

Well I have been too busy to blog the normally agonising days 1 and 2. They have been somewhat bearable altho of course I am craving all the time. I wonder if it is because I am starting to be a veteran at this, this is the 4th serious attempt and last. (Amen)

I have had to use the electric cig a littlebit and aim to wean myself of that in the coming weeks too. This morning I feel fantastic. Went and walked the dogs, went to yoga, did 20 mins of cardio after and it all felt so much easier than last weekend when I quite literally wanted to die after 5 minutes on the crosstrainer. My chest feels lighter, my cough that I developed is easing, so many benefits in just over 2 days. It is crazy really.

I feel like I could do a session of Flashdance next :)

Sun is shining, it is the weekend and I feel happy.

Bet you lot thought I was gonna moan and bitch as per usual. Haha! Sorry to disapoint.

I am starting a new job Monday so maybe there may be some stress coming along next week, I am also getting my kitchen and living room floor done next week so that could be another stress but all and all, right this moment in time I feel fab.

We went to see the Hobbit yesterday and it was this HFR thingy, meaning higer frame rate, normal film has 24 pictures per second, HFR has 48, it was also 3D and on the extreme size screen, it was unbelievable how real it was, you really were in the film for sure, total feast for the eyes. As it happened, the film had couple of clitches that lasted few seconds, so due to that we all got given 2 free VIP tickets to any film on any screen at anytime.
Super bonus! I imagine with it being the first film to hit cinemas with this technology they are having few issues with it, but I am sure those will soon be ironed out. But totally recommend watching it as film was good and if you have the opportunity to watch it is hfr 3d format, go for it, worth the extra money for sure for something spectacular.

Other than that I will be off to buy me 18 packs of laminate and some underlay and make some homemade pizza and have a cheeky glass of wine later.

The Night before....

The night before....

Feeling all sorts of things to be honest, finished in my old job today and the workmates gave me a bunch of lovely presents, flowers and a card, had a really busy time with breakdowns and feel somewhat sorry for the remaining team as they will have their work cut out for them. Feel relieved as the job was very stressful but also wonder what new job will bring along and feel passing sadness for the times at Atlas Cranes, made some friends, made some enemies and worked my ass off. Lately it just wasn't appreciated so much so it was time to move on.

In the morning looms the 1st day ahead again. It will be sweat and tears for sure and now that some last minute changes to tomorrows plans came along I just need to think of ways to keep myself occupied.

So far here is the to do list>

1. Go to the tip
2. Go to supermarket for weekly shop
3. Dog shop for chewies
4. Non smokers meeting
5. Drive to Stockport
6. See the hubby on trial for first time in a week
7. Walk doggies

If I can just think of another 30 things to slot in there I will be fine :)

This evening is mainly been spent by socialising with sister , writing this blog and listening to my fav play list on spotify sipping some damn mighty fine savignon blanc from Marlborough (no pun intended it is just the best savignon you can get) courtesy of my good ol work mates.

The playlist for those who may have an interest:
The entire cd of 'Have a metal Xmas'
and then...
Nirvana – In Bloom
Jimmy Eat World – The Middle
The Soup Dragons – I'm Free
Fall Out Boy – This Ain't A Scene, It's An Arms Race
The Offspring – Why Don't You Get A Job?
Nirvana – Smells Like Teen Spirit
Catatonia – Mulder And Scully
001. Scorpions – Raised On Rock
002. Bon Jovi – Superman Tonight
3 Doors Down – Kryptonite
3 Doors Down – Time Of My Life
3 Doors Down – When You're Young
3 Doors Down – Round And Round
10cc – Wall Street Shuffle
069. Shawn Fisher渀 – Open Your Eyes
172. Kid Rock礀 – All Summer Long
181. Apocalyptica & Adam Gontier Of Three Days Grace漀 – I Don't Care (Brauer Mix)
Alter Bridge – Breathe Again
Rains – Liar
Rains – Hate
Rains – Fake
Rains – Five Minutes
Rains – Look In My Eyes
Rains – Tearing Us Apart
Rains – American Dream (The Story of David)
Rains – Pressure
Rains – Right Or Wrong
Rains – Hurricane
Rains – Wait
Rains – Something New
The 69 Eyes – DANCE D´AMOUR
Vince Neil – Tattoos & Tequila
Vince Neil – Long Cool Woman
Vince Neil – Viva Las Vegas
Vince Neil – Bitch Is Back
Van Halen – Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Love
Slipknot – Vermilion Pt. 2
Hollywood Undead – Everywhere I Go
The Killers – Somebody Told Me
Limp Bizkit – Rollin' (Air Raid Vehicle)
The Offspring – You're Gonna Go Far, Kid - Explicit Album Version
Nirvana – Lithium
Smash Mouth – All Star
Ten – Centre Of My Universe
Ten – Stormwarning
Volbeat – 7 Shots
Volbeat – 16 Dollars
Guano Apes – Big In Japan

As I have such a great taste, all of those are obviously awsome to say the least. Ahem. Next time I might have a soft moment and list all the really soft and recent pop lists I have. So yes. I am not only rock chick, I spread my wings and listen to latin, pop, country and even classical *mainly when I am reading I might add.

So yeah, on to the challenge of tomorrow.

Wish me luck.

Few really cheesy jokes to end this fantastically important and down to the point blog post>

What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?

Slow down and use a lubricant.

(Do please make a little gold clap everyone!)

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

Good night folks. I am going for one last cig.

The End. (This time pun intended)

Final Frontier

I did fail totally yet again. I have been smoking for the past month. Maybe not as much as before but about 10 a day. And that's as bad as 20 a day.

I went to gym today after a break of 1.5 weeks of that due to just been too busy and I almost died. The difference is amazing, my chest is tight, I struggle for enough oxygen and feel really out of shape. I have also had a cold looming making me feel tired and ratty.

I have decided that I will try quit again, one last time. If I fail then i might as well stay a smoker. It is too hard to keep doing this to myself.

So I tucked my tail between my legs and went back to to see the non smoking advisors looking very sheepish. I explained to them how annoyed I was, how easy it was just to slip back after that one smoke. now if i was them i would have shaken my head and tutted a lot with my arms crossed on my chest, but they didn't. One of the ladies said 'well you don't seem like a happy smoker and thats why you are back' and that I should try again. One last time.

So back on Champix *sigh* and this time adamant that I will not have any nicotine aids on the side, as maybe that has been my downfall. We will see how it goes. I am getting to the point where I dont really have much umph left for anything but i will give it one mo9re damn good go and then thats bloody well it.

Ramblings

I am just about to set off on yet another online date. This one is dinner so if he is really horrible at least I will get fed. On downside I will have to listen to him for an hour or two. That is perhaps why god created wine?

I have noticed this sweat think returning, it is day 3 after my BAD BAD behaviour and smoking with gay abandon for 10 days and deciding that I am the worlds largest idiot and quitting again. I am so warm it is crazy. I can see me turning up on this date and having one of those moments when sweat is quite literally dripping into my eyes. Especially if I eat something hot and spicy. That is very likely too since I love hot chillis and the like.  Memo to self> Go and spray the entire deodorant bottle all over body before calling the taxi.

Oh and something that really is winding me up as well is that nobody who visits comments at all. Would be so nice to hear from you, YES YOU! As I know people do come across my pointless ramblings cause I can see it in my stats. And would be nice if someone did share the post once in a while too. So since nobody is I am wondering if there is any point to this verbal vomit at all. Maybe I should have just written private diary. Maybe I will do that about the upmteen online dates. Mind you that would be such a depressing diary that I would probably end up burning it at full moon dancing naked on top of a Halifax hill.

I have now come to the conclusion that quitting smoking is possibly the damn hardest thing I have ever done. Well, tried to do as I don't feel I am on top of it yet as I have just had a relapse. Just goes to show that this is a fight for life that can last for the rest of your life. It is so easy to say I will have just one...when you think you can handle it. But I am living proof that you really shouldn't as that tends to lead to another and suddenly you are week or a year down the line smoking a packet a day.

But it is also a journey of self discovery. How bad you can feel, how great you can feel once you feel like you are beating it and how much of a fighter you really have to be to try again after failing a number of times.

I have also learnt that when I have a relapse, when people come to me tutting and shaking theirs heads, I really do feel like I could punch their lights out. In some way it was good they did that but all it did was piss me off royally and make me have another. It was in the end game me who had to pick up the pieces and decide to get a grip of my own self destructing behaviour. I am the only one who can make the choice.

This is not to say that support isnt important, it really is. But I have realised that after the 1st two weeks everyone forgets that you are still fighting like hell for beating this thing. Every single day is a fight, sometimes it is just a small skirmish by 6 men on the Scottish Highlands but other times it is the World War 2 and occasionally it is the Apocalypse. It is very important to know who your troops are. Right now I feel I have none, but thats just my mood, I am sure it is not true in reality.

Edited 3 days later>
F*ck It. I fell again. No the date wasn't that bad, but he did smoke.
For frikks sake. I'd like to see him again but is that wise considering that I am likely to bum all his fags off him?

I am totally totally hopeless, useless piece of middle aged woman ass(wipe).
Someone just shoot me now. With a shotgun. And then shoot again just to be sure to put me out for good. Pissing heck.

Then you fall a little

It is time for the confession. I have been putting this off for a week or so but it has to be done. I fell flat on my face and smoked for 1.5 weeks.
Why did I do such a thing after being smokefree for nearly 4 months. I really do not know, I just really wanted a cigarette and had one, then two and then 20. So all in all I had about 40 cigarettes in space of 10 days. And kicked my own ass after each one, but could not stop myself.

Nothing major happened in my life that upset me or such so there was no excuse. The last cigarette I had was 3 days ago and strangely I have been ok after that, ok in cravings wise, they have been there but not ridiculous, so I have had couple of nicotine gums a day and thats been enough.

I just really dont know what came over me, I have been pretty pissed off at myself and have had good tellings off from few people.

I was enjoying being non smoker, it was saving me loadsa money so why do back down that road?
It did help that I got a really bad cold and it reminded me how many colds I had last year and that stopped me on Wednesday. I was pretty much in bed in fever and with massive headache for Thursday and Friday sweating this cold out and only starting to feel bit better today. I would imagine I would still have it if I carried on smoking, it would develop into a chest infection and cough. Maybe this time, it won't.

I am feeling rather down in the dumps partly due to being poorly and partly due to being so disapointed in myself and life in general, but I will climb up, I will.

I apologise and try again. What else is there to do.

Tune of the day: Alter Bridge: I know It hurts. Have a listen, it is rather good.

Online dating edition

You know, I have written number of very placid posts and have not felt very strongly about anything which is a great shame since I was getting such a great reputation as the bitching bitch so I thought , just maybe I could still...you know. Have a go?

This time we come down to the internet dating. I have now been single for 6.5 years (cheezuz frikkin christ and all his children...) although that depends on what one considers singlehood, I have dated a number of people for little while, like a week, two or 4, but furtherst I have got in this last few years has been 8 weeks and to me that can not really be counted as a real relationship. Not because it was not real, but because it never became anything more than a few dates and on few occasions, some awsome earth shattering sex.

Now I probably should not have said that, but then again I am human, I do on a very rare occasion have precicely that, even though one in a proper world is not supposed to talk about that unless you are hiding behind a really dodgy nick name and wrong photo in this amazing place called tinterweb. The thing for me is that I have a very large number of  people from Finland as well as UK reading this blog, including members of my family, but every now and then and ESPECIALLY after quitting smoking I need to let the steam out no matter what it is that comes out. So this is what you lot get this time and I will probably delete it within hours of being posted so if I was you, reading this, I would send me some silly comment, whatever it may be, just to see if you ca try and convince me not to delete it.

Anyhow, as you can imagine being single for a LONG time, one comes across a date or two that are downright bad or just unbelivable. I have had all that. Let me give you a few examples....

There is the bloke who has the most amazing pictures and looks like greek god, but you then meet, he is dressed like Neo in Matrix with the whole full length leather jacket but half his teeth are missing and his breath is like Dart Wader *I can also confirm no light sabers were on sight as I know you sci-fi puffs would like to ask...*. I can conclude that he was smart enough to keep his MOUTH SHUT on all the nice pictures but it is not really something you can hide face to face. Tip to blokes, nothing... I repeat nothing...puts a woman off as much as bad teeth. If really they are that bad, get sorted with some dentures , whatever. Just say no to rotting mouth, please? So how do you tell your date that is the reason why you cant ever bear to look at them. Do 'the Miia' and text your friend to call you with immidiate emergecy that requires you to leave immidiately. Yup.

Then another classic is the case of the ever so handsome lad with gloriously nice photos and profile and after a bit of a chat a date was arranged. Just turns out he is 5 foot 1. I am 5 foot 9...PLUS wearing heels. He in fact had not put his height on his profile so it kinda never came a matter of discussion, but yeah, we looked like mother and son out and I was tempted to ask if he wanted a hot chocolate but instead we got drunk, slagged off all our exes off and had a great time but never...ever got in touch again.

Now dont take me all wrong here, I have met some amazing people, have spent some amazing evenings with amazing guys but I just fail to find one that I fall for. The one who really shakes your booty. I have also had umpteen bad dates, and not that I cant get along with just about anybody until I can make a classy and not rude escape as I do have manners, but some men are just hard work, they turn up, dont say a word and every question you ask is answered by yes or no and THAT is it. SO yeah, all sorts out there. Just for the record us ladies do like a bit of a story and like to also be listened, but it does take two to tango for either.SO it is really hard to fall for anyone.

In fact even that is little bit in-accurate as I am sure I could fall in love with Jason Statham or Johnny Depp before meeting them face to face but let's be fair, no price looking LIKE THAT is gonna ever ask me out so I need to keep looking on the normal guy cathegory, even on the too skinny or too fat cathegory and since I am about to 40, the desperate for anything than my ex-wife catergory.

You know, the pickings are REA:LLY slim. There is a reason why a lot of people are single in the 40's. And for blokes it seems to be something in the following cathegories: lazy, ignorant, stupid...hence they have been dumped. This may be me being really catty and bitchy but seems that the good guys stay in relationships, and thats because they probably are great in bed, to be with, great parents and company in every single way.

But thats not all, then there are the real sleazybags, OMG...dont get me started. Just this week I have had 2 really sickeningly good looking guys get in contact and I am wondering why....turns out they are looking for a one night hook up, while the girlfriend or wife is busy. If that was my boyfriend or husband, I would kill him. Really would. And I can imagine by the look of these guys that their girlfrienda are gorgeous Jordan lookalikes so I do not understand why they need the extra sex with some overweight nearly 40 year olds? For shits and giggles? So if there is 2 a week, you can imagine how may I have come accross in 6.5 years. Yup. World is full of slezy men. I bet every other guy that is reading this text right now could cheat on their partner. That is sick. What is WRONG with you people, if you dont like your partner, move on and get single and shag whoever, whenever you want without hurting anyone. WHY is that too hard. If you really love someone and are happy with them, there is NO WAY IN HELL you would want to get it on with anyone else AT ALL. That is what it is like when you find a soulmate. I know because I had that once.

Then there is the ones who have put the picture from 1996 on in which they looked great and now, well they look more like a beachwhale and smell like dumpster.

It is safe to say that I have had 100 first dates in past 6 years. maybe 4-6 of those have made it to second date and only 3 of those have made it to third. If you imagine that I have chatted with each of those hundered for anything from week to 8 weeks before meeting, you can imagine how much time I have wasted. And got nowhere.

To be fair 50% of the blokes are nice, decent in some cases even I would say real catches, it is just that I am in some form unable to fall for any of them. My friends like to blame my past love, they may be right as he is one hell of a bloke to beat, but some of them, in fact lot of them by now think that I am just too picky and I want too much. And there is some who are just too good to be true. You know who you are...if you read this, and I have failed YOU in my ice queen heart.

And then there are those who come out limping with a broken heart and you know all you would be to them is a rebound. And that can be fine, for a very very short time, like one evening that you both either regret or not but never repeat.

My question is...when did it come too much to want to fall in love? Why is that a swear word to all the good looking guys and why, oh why can I not fall in love with someone and have that feeling returned? And why the hell should I settle for someone who is nice even if I did not fall for them?

My family and friends by now just want me to be with just about anyone so that the balance and belief in life and love could be restored forever, but...I refuse forever and ever until there is a guy that makes my belly feel the butterflies, my mind and body want to see him and to hear his voice, I want to find someone that I can NOT wait to get home to to speak to and to share my entire life with.

It seems this is too much to ask.

However, should you be eligible batchelor and want to get in touch, please feel free as this chick is just about ready to give up and settle for spinsterhood for good!
PS: Especially of you are Jason or Johnny...PMFSL
PPS: I am however VERY tired of this crap so do make an effort with that application...

RANT FRIKKIN OVER.

I could so have a cigarette right now.

And please do leave a comment, any comment...nobody has left me a comment in months and here I am spewing out all this crap and likely to delete this very soon so would be nice to hear...well anything. Dont know if anyone reads this anymore x

103 Days...and nights!!

Well, well, well. I have been a very good girl. I have not had a cigarette for nearly 3.5 months. I stopped going to the meetings too about a month ago as I didn’t feel it necessary.

I haven’t written much as I sort of ran out of steam bitching and moaning about stuff and been pretty steady, if not even some days happy person, which has made a change from the first 6 weeks to people who have to deal with me in daily basis for sure.

The cravings still come and for me probably because I still use my VAPORATOR-R-R regularly. It is only once or twice a day, but still. I am sure that it is mostly just habit now, I have changed the liquid in it for the weakest possible so there isn’t that much nicotine in it, and occasionally here and there I will chew nicotine gum if I feel the need. Perhaps if I didn’t do either the cravings would be almost non existent.

I have this time gone past the quitting Champix bit and have not started smoking again, I had the last Champix maybe 3-4 weeks ago and feel fine without them.

Maybe this time I can actually stick with it, we have gone further than ever before. I am also going to gym 3 times a week and sweating like a fat bird in lycra does to keep the weight in check. At the moment I weigh exactly the same as I did when I quit smoking, so that’s GOOD. I did do low carb diet for 6 weeks but in the last week that has totally blown and have been eating normal again, this may be bad mistake, but find it difficult to be strict about everything. So right now I will stay strict about saying no to cigarettes and go to gym 3 x week and eat what I want. Will see what happens. My ass feels tight like stone from all the cycling and cross training so I feel happy at that :D

I have now saved £670,00 not smoking. I have none of that in my pocket but I have had nice meals out, Lovely carnival in London, I have new wellies and court shoes and winter boots, dogs are vaccinated, bills are up to date, and I am going to Dublin in 2 weeks. Most of which I would not have or done if I had carried on smoking. So YAY!

SO yeah I just wanted to pop in, check in and tell you that YES… I am still a non-smoker one day at the time who is no fatter than before and I seem happy, a lot more than before.

2 Months = 62 days. Yabba.

So yeah. Last time I was a bad girl. To my credit, I have not touched a cigarette since, not really even wanted to for the first time. It was weird how it got me so bad as well. Anyhow.

I am more determined than ever to succeed. We are coming down to the crunchtime when I failed last 2 times, the end of the Champix. I have 2 weeks of that left now so will somehow need to be extra vigilante for the coming month.

But I am quite proud of myself, I have saved £450.00 and have not had a cough or cold since, prior to quitting I had one of the other for past 8 months. So maybe this winter I could be chest infection free?

I am talking about winter although it is not even September until tomorrow, but this morning it was +4c outside and I froze my little titties off! I mean it is supposed to be summer still, wtf? In fact right this moment in time it is +16c in my hometown in finland and only +11c here is Halifax. It is wrong. On so many levels.

I have joined the gym now, it is supposed to open this weekend so I can get back on track of excersise. Nothing nicer than brand spanking new gym in town with all spankly new equipment. My lodger has also joined it as well as one of my best friends, so I should have some company at least sometimes to kick my backside if I try and spend an evening with Mr Pizza and a movie instead :)

However, I have also decided that if it comes to having a bad day and relapsing, I would rather relapse with a chocolate, pizza or the like than a cigarette since it is still early days of the quitting. SO I am not gonna be too hard on myself on the calories consumed and such. Can't be perfect at everything this big at the same time, but I do need to keep a grip. The good news is that I weighed myself today and I have not put any more weight on, it is just 1kg, 2 pounds more than when I quit. But I was very overweight before I started anyway so I need to keep it same or loose it. That is the only two options.

Today I have consumed 1813 calories, that has included sausage butty and one strawberry and lime cider tho as it is Friday. But pretty well below what I burn a day which is 2200 so a good day in that respect. I use http://www.myfitnesspal.com/ to track it, it is rather easy with that as most things are already in their database. Plus you get lot of support from people and make friends quickly if you write few messages on their forum.

This is yet another really boring blog post. Sorry. Seems my spunk went somewhere around week 6 or something?

Day 53 - Confession

“Warriors of light are not perfect. Their beauty lies in accepting this fact and still desiring to grow and to learn.” ― Paulo Coelho, Warrior of the Light


Those of you who know me well, also know that I am a big fan of Paulo Coelho. His books are quite amazing and you always have moments of self discovery no matter which book you read. Each one of them is different and yet enjoyable. I read the The Alchemist first and then promptly went and bought all rest of them.

So we have had one major fall down on day 51. The strangest thing is there was really no valid reason for it what so ever. It was Monday, I had really wanted a cigarette since Friday, for some peculiar reason. Before that, weeks had gone past and I was not really bothered at all about people smoking around me. So off to the supermarket I went and bought a pack of 10. I smoked one and it tasted horrible. I then proceeded to have 3 more the same evening before I came to my senses and gave rest of the packet to my friend to take away from me.

I was furious with myself all day yesterday, I did also have few other things that seriously pissed me off happen but those are too personal to be mentioning here. So it was hell hath no fury like a Miia the day after the relapse. If I had written this entry yesterday, it would have been riddled with swearwords. I was really annoyed but I did not fancy a cigarette. Nor do I want one now. So after beating myself up all day about it, I realized there is no point in that, I had a fall, I make mistakes, now I just pick myself back up and carry on. I am only a human. (How very adult of me..hahah)

So another Paulo quote comes to mind…

“I’ve been through all this before,’ he says to his heart. “ ‘Yes, you have been through all this before,’ replies his heart. ‘But you have never been beyond it.” ― Paulo Coelho, Warrior of the Light

So really gonna say, yup, still struggling on, now I have to face my smokers meeting and tell them all what a bad girl I have been, but I am as determined as ever to carry on, fuck it, shit happens and then you just keep going.

“A Warrior knows that an angel and a devil are both competing for his sword hand. The devil says: "You will weaken. You will not know exactly when. You are afraid." The angel says: "You will weaken. You will not know exactly when. You are afraid." The Warrior is surprised. Both the angel and the devil have said the same thing. The devil continues: "Let me help you." And the angel says: "I will help you." At that moment the Warrior understands the difference. The words may be the same but these two allies are completely different. And he chooses the angel's hand.” ― Paulo Coelho, Warrior of the Light

Day 38 - Mobile time!

So sorry my dear readers for being too busy to write here, I bet half of you thought I started up again! I know you did!!!
Well I didn't and haven't had even one fall down since I last wrote. I have been angelic good girl, well, at least in the cigarette smoking sector anyhow.

I promised myself a new mobile phone if I managed a month without cigarettes so I ordered my new singing and dancing Samsung Galaxy S3 today and should have it in my less yellow fingertips tomorrow, can't wait!!! It is like Christmas for me. So just a note to friends, if you get umpteen pointless text messages from me in the next few days, this is why :)

I had amazing holiday in Finland which included cuddling cute babies, riding a stallion, being nearly hit by lightning, swimming 10 times, barbecuing 5 times, sitting by campfire 3 times, getting far too drunk twice, going to sauna 5 times, shopping, eating like a pig everyday, spending quality time with friends and family, seeing few live bands, cutting 2 peoples hair, training 10 new therapists, taking 250 photos. Among other things.

I lost one of my fancy electronic cigs, that pissed me off somewhat, but mostly I am coping without it anyhow, I am maybe having a puff once or twice a day if things get dicey, which the don't that much any more.

I think about cigarettes and smelling other people smoking is part torture, part enjoyable. But instead of desperately wanting one everyday we are now down to having really hard time once or twice a week. In the last 7 days it has been precisely twice and I managed thru both times.

I just gotta stay vigilant, yesterday was the difficult moment with the 12 hours travel and a few things going wrong in the process and upon arrival to the UK, but I said to myself no and even tho my electronic cig had dead battery from previous day so I didn't even have that backup, I still managed.

So now I have to move on to more healthy diet and exercise regime as the weigh has been piling on like mad. So today I took to work grapes, banana and salad. And my tummy was rumbling like mad all day. I then made low carb dinner with chicken with loads of veg in satay sauce. And I am still hungry. I could eat a horse. But I wont, however tomorrows lunchbox will have to have some more real stuff in it as I ended up having some chocolates because I was starving.

This bit will be somewhat challenging based on day 1.

Anyhow, bed is calling, just wanted to say hello, still here, battling on one day ta a time.

Ironically, right this moment in time I am listening to Imelda Mays 'Smokers song'

Still Day 21- The Travellers Edition

So yeah, that's the cute nail stuff all over and done with. Now I need to unload. Fuck me it has been hard last 36 hours. I have wanted a cigarette all the time. Continuously. I have had pretty intense days at work and also is the dreaded time of the month but still I was thinking that by the time you get to 3 weeks all should be a toddle. It's fecking not.

(Writers note: changes chill out collection music to heavy rock in midst of writing)

WHY, WHY...OH WHY???? Is this so damn hard. Only thing I am impressed about today is the fact that I have not had a cigarette. And I am likely not to have one as every single establishment is closed right now which is a good thing.

I have been keeping myself ridiculously busy just to keep mind off the smoking, I am on the go from 6 am like a Duracell bunny and don't stop until I drop and have some wine or fall asleep.

That seems to be the only way I can cope with it just now. The stress levels at work are the highest I have EVER experienced so in one way I am doing one fecking amazing job still not smoking.

I was SO cranky this morning and when my Saturday morning at work turned to hell instead of a nice calm time to catch up with paperwork, I was little unpleasant with the last customer and I am afraid there will be manager wanting to speak to me come Monday morning but really, I invite them to chew my ass off just so that I can finally let a few home truths out that they should be hearing, the whole place is falling apart and they aren't even realising how badly.

So I drive towards Halifax like Kimi Raikkonen much to some Saturday drivers annoyance. I dashes off to the pet food store to get 3 weeks supply on dog food and tries to find flea and mite treatment for dogs, they only had bad looking stuff so off I went to another pet store. They had lot's of stuff but real expensivee. So then I drove to my vets. Got worming and flee treatment for both and nearly fainted when she told me it was £70( Should have gone for the stuff I THOUGHT was expensive...Cheezuz). Anyhow got it and treated both. Then spent 2 hours brushing them both and then going over inch by inch on a nit comb, just to be sure. Poppy had loads, Faith had none, yet Faith is scratching like no tomorrow and has dandruff..  Then made all sorts of aromatherapy oil mixes and sprayed the entire house and the dogs. Then cooked, then did nails, then did laundry. Then sat down on this computer and opened a bottle of wine.

I WANT A CIG so bad. It is not humanly possible to keep myself any busier than I am. I have not watched tv hardly at all in the past 3 weeks, apart from 1 episode of gypsy weddings and one on embarrassing bodies. That's 2 hours of telly in 21 days. Pretty god damn amazing. But if I did I would be bored as I am not DOING anything and go off to the shop on an advert break to get fags.

So if I am not physically busy I need to be mentally occupied, hence this silly blog. Distracts me for a while.

Oh and between doing my nails and waiting for each layer to dry I was dancing like that chick in Flashdance. I figured that might count as exercise. I was panting my much cleaner lungs off after so maybe that was a good thing.

Thank god for the electronic cig, If I didn't have that we would be gone to the smoking land, Champix or no Champix. Last 36 hours it has not been  satisfying as I want the real deal. But it is the thing that gets me NOT to go to the shop and buy some.

And I can confirm that mixed fruit flavour is ok, apple is shit and vanilla is still great. But that's all a case of personal preference.and matter of taste. I think I need to get the whiskey or rum flavour for weekends. LOL.

~Nail Break~

Tried nail art on toes, didn't look too good. Painted them all purple. Fuck it.
*That only killed 10 minutes* ~Sigh~

I could really be packing since I am going in 72 hours but I can't seem to get motivated.I am instead drinking wine and listening to heavy metal.( Right now the lyrics are saying'If you were dead or alive, I don't care, just gonna leave it all behind'...rather apt for my mood, but I really am not that kind of person in real life, Just kind of hard to explain to people that I am spiritual and do care but like heavy rock...hmmm. In fact I care so much it is painful, about people, about the state of the planet and the way this world is) After travelling so much in my past the packing is done in the head. Ie, I am thinking about things I need to take at random intervals, I am not writing them down as that would be for sissies, so I think about various things I need to take, What in reality happens is that I take far too much, half won't be used and forget things that I really should have taken. I am used to that bit now and should really resist that last minute 'throw just one more pair of everything in since we got room' move. I know better, I am a travelling veteran and yet I still do it every time. It is though my very proud things to announce that I will pack Monday night in 30 minutes. Women normally take days to do that. especially for 2 week break. Why bother, do it slow or fast you are gonna forget something, no matter how hard you think, how ever many lists you write and all that stuff that some English women iron will look like the iron wasn't even invented by the time they pull it out from the bags at the destination.

Let me give you Miia's special tip, take it from a woman who has lived and worked in 11 different countries and at one point lived out of 2 suitcases for 4 years living in hotels due to my work...what you need is 80% of your clothes need to be stuff that don't need ironing. Keep buying stuff that really does not need it. OMG and yes, I have met women who iron underwear and jeans. WTF??? WHYYYY? you love ironing that much? Get a life. I mean REALLY...get a life, do anything, just do jumping jacks if nothing else comes to mind. Apparently it is the best form of exercises in the world as it gives the entire body hell of a workout. But then again who wants to do jumping jacks all the time. And this brings me to the point, why would you want to spend 3rd of your life ironing your frikking underwear? Really do get a grip ladies in the nicest way.

As for rest of the travelling tips...when I close the door and I am about to lock it to go for good I check few things: Wallet and passport and tickets. Rest can be bought but missing one of those 3 causes some real shit that you really don't wanna deal with. Just 3 things, Simple. Rest is easily organised.

Do I ever buy a travel insurance...No. I would if I was going outside Europe but can't see the point when inside Europe. I have flown approximately 250  times in last 20 years and have never needed it. I have always got free medical attention, always had lost luggage delivered to where it should do. So if we call that insurance for example measly £10 per flight, I have saved £2500. This in dollars for my American audiences is $3900 and for my Europeans 3200 euros.

So I guess I can have one disaster. Not that I will. But I could. So fuck it.

I feel very anti-social right now. I have not spoken a single word in last 12 hours since leaving work at midday. Very strange. Probably good since I have been on a Very foul mood. But makes me think that entire world could end and I would not be informed. Hmm. I think this is only due to the fact that I spend my entire working day talking and this week I have been on the phone or talking to friends face to face every single evening so this is rather peculiar.

Cigarettes: 0 and has been for weeks and weeks and weeks....
Music: shit loads.
Alter Bridge, Nickleback, Nirvana, The Offspring, Rains, The 69 Eyes, Fall Out Boy, The soup Dragons.
The dancy bit while doing nails>
Basement Jaxx, Trains, Guary & Clayton, Katy Perry, Alexandra Stan, Yello (jungle Bill, oh yeahhhh) Moves like Jagger by Maroon 5 and good ol Christina,  Tequila by ALT & The lost civilisation, Beyonce, Donna Summer and so on and on.
At work on Internet radio: Radio Nova with some finn pop.
Muchos music today.
Upset customers: 1
Level of being pissed off: 100% (bonkers as I am soon off on holiday, I know. Just a moaning bitch)
Food: Yeah still eating like a little piggy, eating things in technicolour is great, I feel and taste the frikking rainbow, I swear! Right now I am munching on second almond croissant of the day....let's not mention the rest. I have discovered if you close your eyes when you're eating. it even intensifies the flavour and makes you concentrate on it and enjoy it slower. If I can only get this to apply to fruit and veg...LOL

Day 21 - Nailing it or having a cigarette. I'll nail it.

I was just looking at my traffic to this blog and seems North America and Alaska are highest up on the visitors. That's fantastic considering I am from Finland and wring this from the UK. Hello guys!!!!If you compare this world 20 years ago, it would just not have been physically possible. I love technology. And nails. Oh I haven't told you all that my hobby for pretty much the duration of the various quit attempts has been nail art. (The male readers may jump the next post where the will be plenty of moaning a bitching and swearwords and not too much about nails)

It all started with a Lithuanian friend who likes to make nail art rather than paying 20-30 pounds, dollars, euros, whatever once a week she figred it is not that hard. So I got her to do mine every now and then. Then I thought it is not that hard really and I started trying. It is now 3 years later, I have made some that were not great and others that were frikking awsome. Here is a few pics for you>

Free hand of course....none of this sticker malarky....we want to make it hard!

And then we got konad nail art set to try in our boredom and my withdraw symptoms>

now it is supposed to be really easy to do, it is fucking not, that took absolutely hours to get right. Just the stamping is not as easy as they tell you in the ads. Other rather pathetic attempt of it is here and after that me or Dana could just not have bothered any more, it is that shit. The end result is great but man, the shit is shit to do and wipe off and redo umpteen times to get it like this. So yeah, save your pennies and forget konad...not worth the £40 that we spent on a kit.

Anyhow, that was 1.5 years ago when I quit last time. 2 weeks ago I saw this sponge/gradient thing nails. So I got interested. So I saw a video and thoughts that really is the easiest piece of piss to get great looking nails. So here is the first trial last weekend>

Added couple of dots of gold glitter and Bob really was one's uncle.

So I took that off last night and as I am going to Finland on holiday in Tuesday it was time to create holiday nails using the sponge/gradient method. This just in as from 1 hour ago>

And now I realise rather than being smoking/quitting blog it has turned into nails. No doubt girls like it, so what I will do...is just carry on writing this evenings entry as man friendy...Just thought I shoukd share this with the ladies. It is the things you do to occypy your time when you want a fag....It is difficult to dig out a fag and light it when you nails are wet :D

That was my thinking behind the hobby anyhow....

Day 17- This little piggy...

One should never visit the scales when one knows in advance that it won't be good news. SO yes, the gain so far is 2kg. ~Sigh~
But then again I have been doing nothing much exercises wise and drank lot's of wine and ate like a little miss piggy.

So today I thought I would just try for few minutes what it does feel like to run. I believe last time I ran anywhere was  precisely 2.5 years ago when I was trying to train for the SAS Survival challenge. It is just that when my team won the whole thing, all training went out of the window.

The after I started smoking again I went on pretty strict diet and did training in fitness boxing and Latin dance for 5 months 5 times per week. Lost the weight last quit attempt and then just slid back to junk eating lazy mode. So pretty much gained all that was lost. So now the extra weight is even more depressing.

It felt strange to run, didn't manage very much but then again you can't on the first attempt. Was wondering the the clapping behind me was, turns out it was my ass cheeks cheering me on! Then when got home did 120 ab crunches, 80 reps for triceps and biceps and few push-ups thrown in. If I could just somehow motivate myself to do that or something else, any exercise at all in fact every other day then I think I would stay on top of it all. Maybe I need Miss Piggy's pink aerobics outfit and leg warmers to get me motivated?

Anyhow still not had a cigarette, still want one regularly, afternoons and evenings are the worst, morning and during the day is fine. I am glad for my electric nicotine ciggy tho it comes in very handy when you're about to walk into the shop to buy some. It just stops you.

I think this week I have noticed something else too. I haven't been swearing much at all, in comparison to the last two weeks. Apart from 4 am this morning when Poppy the Princess decides to start barking downstairs for no valid reason. I stomps down barks at her and stomps back to bed. 4 minutes later she starts again. I stomps back down, grabs her face and puts my nose to her nose and very sternly tell her no and stomps back up. 10 minutes later she starts again. I stomps down yet again this time swearing like a navy seal, storms straight to the chewy jar, throws some chewies on floor and stomps back upstairs to bed. That did shut her up, but guess if I could get back to sleep?

Yep so I am tired. So I think will watch the last few acts of 'America has not got talent' and go to bed.

Day 15- I have nothing punchy?

I was sat there just thinking for 15 minutes, wondering what I should put on the title after 15 days. Could not think of anything relevant, funny or bitchy. Oh deary me.

Have had a great weekend, been real busy with day trip to Liverpool yesterday to see my therapy tutors for planning some future workshops. Was a great day, so lovely to see them and had lunch bought for me. I Also had my wrist slapped as they did teach me DDM (Dynamic Deep meditation) meditation few years back and I did practise for about a year but then little by little it just got faded in the background noise of busy lifestyle.  The crazy thing is that i don't know why as it makes me feel so good, see things so clearly and relaxes me a lot. So I had my mantra reintroduced, which I had funnily enough forgot so much that it was like really wrong. And this particular style meditation has to be reintroduced in a right way by the teacher to get you back on track. I am now determined for time being spending 10 mins in morning and same in the afternoon meditating. Since they re-introduced me with a session of part hypnosis and meditation, I feel SO GREAT! I am happy, bubbly, energetic...the benefits are great, so let me not forget it!

Came home from my road trip to spend an evening with a good friend who I had not seen for a while, we had one of them real proper chats for hours. Good to share.

Today I got up at noon. Yep. Was bit tired so slept for 12 hours without any distractions at all and woke up feeling fab, did my 10 min meditation and then proceeded with action for the next 10 hours with energy like there is no tomorrow, cleaned the whole house, did shopping, did all laundry, had 2 long walks with dogs, cooked some great food, did my friends nails and she did mine and they look great, made some important documents, had great time with a friend and finally, now, sat down to have a little chill out. If I could have this much energy every single day it would be totally amazing.

I love my little vaporator, I spent an evening on Friday at a friends house and she as well as her boyfriend smoked all evening and I stuck to my electronic version, no problems. And the friend that I have spent much time this weekend with is a smoker but again my electronic cig saved me. So I am glad I got it as it could have got hairy otherwise.

I do seem to get a real bad situation once a day past few days when I really, really want a cigarette, but it is not more than that, week ago it was once every 2 minutes so this is a vast improvement.

I have a nice busy 6 day working week ahead of me, but then after next weekend it will be a measly Monday to work and then Freedom and trip to Finland for 2 weeks. YAYAYY!

So all and all, cruising along pretty well... so far I have saved £90.00.

Have a great week ya all!

Random notes:
It is very difficult to open a pack of cereal, milk carton and have a toilet break when you have wet nails.

It is rather amusing when you search for good pictures for this blog and you put the words 'happy smoker' in google, you get lets of sweetly smiling ladies proper posing...you do get much more too...but that just tickled me, who saves their posing photo as 'happy smoker' ?

Day 12 - Vaporator

Today has been a pretty good day on all accounts. Yesterday I was just busy and shattered so shall skip that entirely.
We have had sunshine today, YAY! That alone in this flooding damp summer was something that bought a smile on my face from start.

I had my VAPORATOR (said with Arnie's Australian accent from his early movie career) delivered yesterday(to normal people this is the e-cig or electronic cigarette) It is fab, I went with stainless steel design which feels expensive and well made in hand, it works just as it should after I charged the batteries, that in itself was a surprise, it only took 20 minutes for full charge on first charging which is very impressive. It lasted all day yesterday and today as well. But to be fair I am not puffing on it much as I am now on day 12 so I would imagine the battery would have died much sooner if I was on my first day and if I hadn't any other aids. I got mine from company called Liberty Flights and can say I am happy with the quality, price and the testing so far. It is perfect for those moments that I struggle. So far I am having one or two puffs maybe 4-6 times a day.

Want to find out more?
Here...now remember I did all the hard work and spent 7 hours looking thru the hundreds of web pages and products in my nicotine withdrawal. This is the place and product I chose that I felt offered the best price vs quality vs comments made on different products. But there are tons more out there and some a lot cheaper initially but more expensive to keep vaping.
http://www.liberty-flights.co.uk/

It came with pre-filled cartridges and I thought the taste and the nicotine hit was very strong. I only realised today that those were pre-filled with the high nicotine stuff, so that's why. The liquids that I bought were medium strength and now having tried one of them, I think I need the light stuff.

I have so far only tried vanilla flavour and it is great, and you feel like you are having something as you get the vapour so you feel you are really sucking something like smoke in, altho it is harmless vapour with some nicotine. Not much different from the patches or gum or other replacement products.

And honestly, I really never ever need to have a real cigarette again.

Ok, I am off my soap box now, enough about that. I am sure you all get it, I have a new toy and I like it.

I did got to my SAS meeting today, it was really busy, must have been 12 of us in various stages of not smoking, ranging from 0 days to 16 weeks and was very motivating yet again to listen to it all.  Everyone was upbeat, few people had struggled, others were not having any problems, and everyone is eating loads. So I feel less guilty about scoffing my face at this moment in time. I have already noticed that I look like I am pregnant. I was overweight before I started and now I am even more overweight. But I have promised myself a month to do whatever as long as I don't smoke, but soon I must reign this flab in somehow.

Should anyone want to come and drag me to gym I would much appreciate it! Or a lomg walk, or badminton, anything at all!!! Pleaseeeee!!! I can only have willpower about one thing at the time.

I have now removed the annoying word approval thingy from the comments to this blog, which should make your comments so much easier. So hoping to get some more. And thanks Muikku for being one that keeps saying something, at least i know someone is reading for sure :)

Oh, big fat gypsy wedding is on telly....gotta dash! Ta Taa!

Cigarettes 0
Large Kebabs 1
Lollies 2
I don't think I have upset anybody today, but I am just about going to send a text message that just might change that :D Mjäh mjäh...

Day 10 - Reindeer Piss :)

In northern Finland (Lapland) they have this saying, reindeer piss away. What it means is that when the reindeer is on the move, migrating, that the reindeer piss is the farthest distance they can travel without having a pee.
So Reindeer piss  is a measure of distance, and in the case of this blog, a measure of time and distance. I have now got reindeer piss distance from my quit date. The Reindeer piss is considered a small distance, something one could walk quite easily. *maximum of 7.5 km in fact*

What I am trying to say is that it might feel like a reindeer piss is an awfully long time and a long way, and it really really isn't considering that they can travel miles upon miles more than that in a day, reindeer piss is just a fraction of that. Really nothing at all.

I feel like I have come a long way, but really every day still is a real battle. Today was considerably easier than yesterday. Yesterday was 5th Circle of Dantes infermo (wrath & sullenness) and today was merely 1st Circle (Limbo). Although if we need to find a positive note, I have not yet resorted to heresy, violence, fraud or treachery, levels 6-9. But I would say there is time yet.

On another note, I have not noticed (so far) any increased MI5 or MI6 activity around me, my blog, my house, or work as I was expecting few postings back, but then again those robots searching the naughty words on the tinterweb do take a little time. So it could happen any day now.

So yeah I have decided to order me an electronic cigarette type of thing for those days just like yesterday. Because if I am honest, I don't think I have the willpower left to handle many more of those.

So me being me, I goes searching the tinterweb. 7 hours later...I finally choose my product after looking thru ALL of them ever invented. Comparing prices and performance and reading hundreds of reviews.
Well what I have got coming is like the Ferrari of electronic smokes. Don't do half measures me. I like good stuff. This better be good! Or we have Dantes inferno level 7 coming right up!

In those 7 hours this is what I learnt...the people who use them tend to call it vaping instead of smoking as it is sheer harmless vapour that you are sucking into your lungs thru one of these things. Normal cigarette is called the analogue...the old fashioned, stinking, expensive analogue. That really cracked me up!
And you have nicotine in these things, either as ready to pop in little cartridges or liquid that you refill, depending on the vaping device. Now then, cigarettes come in various strengths and flavours. So you can have 3 different strengths and the forth is zero nicotine for those who reduce their nicotine intake gradually and still might have to puff on a vapour but don't need the nicotine anymore, have just got to rid of the final little habit side of things. So real cigarettes, they all do have that cigarette taste don't they? Well now for your enhanced vaping experience you can have just about any flavour you can imagine. I think only thing I didn't see was fish & chips flavour!

First of all you can have your Camel, Marlborough, cigar, etc flavours, but you can also have vanilla, coke, fruits of the Forrest, whiskey, chocolate, pear, apple, strawberry....you name it, they got it.

They did not, however have any diet coke ladies :D

As to how much of this flavour you can actually tell while 'vaping' I have no idea until mine is delivered. But I will be sure to tell you.

Now on some level I think I am cheating this quitting thing if I need Champix and nicotine on the tough moments. But to be honest, anything right now that will stop me from having the real deal analogue, stinking, cancer causing , expensive fag is considered a bonus. Every single minute, every single packet I am not buying is all good, no matter what it takes. Fuck it. This is how I am doing it this time. you gotta problem with it please feel free to write, in 3 copies of course to:

I don't really give a shit
999 Fekking avenue
666 Inferno

Your letter will be attended to by one of our every so cheerful customer service representatives as soon as they can spare time from torturing the poor souls trying to be good by quitting smoking. You will know when you receive one, it is signed in blood and has a faint smell of smoke and the edges of paper may be slightly burnt.

That's about all I have to say today. Apart from the fact that work was STUPID busy. I was gonna get real stressed and annoyed but kept saying Fuck it, relaxing and taking just one thing at a time, just like my latest mentor, yes The 'Fuck It' book tells me to.

Cigarettes 0
Wine - Yes, we had to have some (we??? me...as if the dogs shared!)
Upset co-workers 1
Training materials printed and organised 250 pages
Lodger contracts drafted for the next lodger 1 (yep, I got one going out and another coming in August time, yay!)
Aromatherapy orders for friends, family, training course chef and me: 1 (took me ages) this trading stuff that's cheap in England for favours or stuff in or from Finland is great even when it does set me back 100 pounds, it is still worth every single penny!
E-mails sent: 20
Text messages sent: 200 (most for work, yes that is how busy it was!) I think I sent 3 on personal level...rest on the 1 finger analogue piece of ancient history that is called my work phone and all work related and mainly consisting of numbers.
Breakdowns dealt with : around 20
Exercise: 2 walks, about an hour, what I had no more time
Alarms slept through: 1 I woke up WAY late this morning, the rest is history. I was late. Day was hell. Fuck it.
I think you re bored now, so I will stop.
We can just conclude I have had a busy day!

Oh, and I is NOT so impressed with the lack of comments, sharing or liking with them facebook buttons. Come on people, don't keep me all to yourself!

Day 9 - Hell

Morning was fine, during the day was little challenging at times, but got throught it. But since 4pm today all I have been thinking about is having a cigarette and really wanting one, permanently.
I have been doing so well, I don't know what the heck this is. I am really, really struggling. But I have not walked out to buy any. I am grinding teeth a lot, giving everything the 'Evil Eye' and since almost finishing the F**k It book I am repeating that an awfull lot. I am saying fuck it to just about eveything today, which supposedly will set me free. I am really rather peeved off and likely to shout and bite heads off it anyone even considered speaking to me.

I am thinking I need to go to bed just to make this day end.

They say smoking kills. Yep when someone is trying to quit they might just kill someone.

That's all I have to say :/

Cigarettes 0
Nothing else to report at all. Pah.Grrr. Räyh. Hmph.

*Shit, Poppy just ate inhaler No 2*

Mind, Body and Spirit Sunday

Well, well I am not sure how you will all cope with another positive-ish blog post from the moaning mini, but here goes:

Went to a Mind, Body and Spirit fair in Leeds today with a friend. I do go to around 4 of these things every year. Mainly to get some new cards, jewellery or books or a good massage. I like holistic therapies and this was one of the reasons why I became FreewayCER Meridian Energy Therapy Tutor some years back. I am training next bunch of therapists in Finland in 3 weeks time on a rural summer cottage by the ocean and can't wait, it will be fab!

Anyhow, I like these fairs as there is always something interesting, if nothing else, interesting people and conversations. And other times some new holistic techniques. This was one of those times. I was wondering if I should spend my remaining money on a cool OM necklace or a massage after we had wondered about, bought a few books and had lunch. Decided to go for the necklace but then someone had just bought it so I could not have it.

We then had a look around at the various stands offering various different massage techniques. Now my friend said that one would wind me up, this one group was massaging people while making a whooshing sound and it advertised as innersound.org and Qi energy treatment. Well my interest sparked immediately as I am very familiar with Qi and energy flow and such like matters so I decided to give it a try.
This is their website and they are based in Manchester for those who might have an interest:
http://www.innersound.org/index.php/qi-treatment

It was great, what was somewhat strange and not something I have had done before was massaging my tummy. And he spent what seemed like an eternity doing it and also went back to it later. Afterwards I told him that it was weird, and he told me that he felt I had various blockages around the stomach area and that stomach meridian is very closely connected to lung meridian and as he felt my lungs had problems as well, he gave that area extra #umph# of energy. Anyhow, the entire experience was fabulous and I feel GREAT!

They also do 3 hour little workshops one Saturday each month which has a similar but bit deeper massage, some meditation, movement of Qi exercises and lunch. This will go to one of those in September!

Anyhow, I have seen this book called F**k It- The ultimate Spiritual Way a number of times and I did in fact meet the author while back in a previous fair and yet haven't bought the book, been thinking about it. But somehow now, quitting smoking the title called to me. Might be my frame of mind, might be that I am now ready for the message. Whatever the reason, this time I bought it. I gulped 65 pages down as soon as I got home. It is sheer brilliance. It is a spiritual book, but for a western mind. And since I have taken the liberty or saying fuck when ever I feel like it in this blog for the obvious nicotine withdrawal reasons, this bloke, John C Parkin makes it quite literally a spiritual way of freeing yourself from stress and all the things that cause you pain. So would highly recommend the book to just about anyone. you can order it here:
http://www.thefuckitlife.com/shop.htm

What was very funny as well today...my friend is a smoker. She smokes roll ups. when we get to Leeds I ask her if she wants to have a cigarette before we go in and she says no. After our lunch she wants to go out for a cigarette and I decide to keep her company. There is nobody else outside having one. And she can't find her papers :D I was in hysterics! So she could not have one. There was no shop close by and nobody smoking outside so she could have asked for a cigarette or a paper. So she had to go without the entire trip.
She took it very well to be fair, but I just thought it was so funny.

So fantastic day, I have wanted cigarette approximately once an hour, which is a vast improvement from once a minute.

Cigarettes 0
Wine 2 glasses of Marlborough Savignon Blanc to go with my new Fuck It book
Music: Codega & George Michael
Exercises:  1.5 hours walking dogs, 2 hours walking around the fair
Food: Baked potato with chili and cheese, tacos, pear pie (same as apple pie but with pears) 1 lollipop, Crunchy Nut serial

1 week down - Eternity to go!

So there first week is drawing to and end. It has been hell if I am honest, especially for the first 4 days.
Yes there was few hickups but all and all, I have had 3 cigarettes instead of the 120 that I would have had in the last 7 days. So one can call that a victory for sure. I just need to find the will to keep going.

I went out last night to see some live bands and it was the first outing to the smoke filled world all week.
What was very nice was the fact that my friend who I went with decided to have electronic cigarette for the eveving so that I would not be left alone indoors while everyone else milled outside for cigarettes.

This of course caused me to try this electronic cigarette. It was fantastic! Tasted million times better than cigarettes, no smell and the best way I can describe the taste is that it was sweet waffles with maple syrup and of course gave you a nicotine buzz.

Next thing I noticed was 3 other people in the pub with electronic cigarettes. Now the funny thing to me was that they all were using it in a very coy way, like hiding it a little, slightly embarassed. I wonder why...afterall when we go out to smoke a smelly cancer stick we hold our head up high ad there is no embarassment what so ever!

Anyhow the bands were great, company and being social fantastic so really enjoyed myself.

And although I drank plenty of wine I got out of bed this morning full of energy. Went for an hours walk with the dogs, cleaned the house, did all laundry, did weekly shopping,gave one of the dogs a bath, spent 2 hours chatting to a possible new lodger, walked the dogs again, played with them, cooked great dinner.

It was nice to feel this level of energy after most of the week feeling lethargic and depressed!

However I have noticed I am talking to myself now, rather than laughing at my own thoughts, we have moved onto talking load of rubbish to myself out loud. Hmmm.

Ooh and I found megabag of sour fruit mini Chupa Chups lollies in Asda...stocked up with few bags!

Cigs 0
Money saved so far £39.50
Music: 3 Doors down
Food: ham & cheese toastie, tacos, pecan platt, bag of crisps. (Yeah I know I gotta do something about this! crap, crap and more crap!)

Random brain vomit

Still not had a cigarette...Seems I have to keep writing today to keep the cigarettes at bay!

But Ok now I have spent far too much time on my own, I am having entire conversations in my head and laughing at my own jokes. This is not something I normally do, but tonight I have quite literally been doing the LOL and the PMSL. Most of the time people use those to comment on stuff while they sit there stony faced. I was just doing it...all by myself, at random thougts in my head.
They did say that you get crazy dreams with Champix and I have to say the nightly showtime has been most awsome. But laughing at voices in your head? But I was having fun, so guess that counts? Right? RIGHT???

Once of the very randoms thoughts lately was about how this bloke got police storming into his house when he had posted something on his facebook about bombing everyone because he was having a bad day. At that point I told myself best be carefull about saying something stupid like planning on murdering the Queen or bombing the Olympics or I will have the Swat team here in no time. OMG. I have just said it. This nicotine withdrawal really makes me do stupid stuff!

So if the security in this country really is as good as it should be, then visits to my blog should now explode while various MI5 and/or MI6 agents read every single line I have published and check my entire life, friends, ex boyfriends and then within 24 hours I would be in some cell for some form of questioning. (hah, would not feel so lonesome then would I?) I should also get a very slow look from the passport control when I try to fly to Finland in few weeks for a holiday. And yet I am perfectly normal person talking loads of rubbish just because I have just stopped smoking. One of the laughing attacks was me thinking how god damn bored these MI5 agents would be after researching all that and realising how boring and normal my life really is, for example in comparison to theirs, or just about anybodys for that matter!

And how damn handy it would be to have MI5 keeping surveillance on my house for a while since someone did try and break into my very home this week as mentioned on a previous post!

All this thought process sort of started in my head from hearing from a dear friend who has been suddenly stormed by police this week in one scandinavian country and thrown in prison for 60 hours, bruised and mobile phone broken. Without going to any of the details further, this person had done absolutely nothing wrong whatsoever, was manhandled quite roughly and then was released once the police did realise their mistake. This incident and the behaviour of the police in question was totally disgusting and uneccessary considering the reason behind the arrest would not even have warranted any violence or rough handling whatsoever, and we are talking about a very petite, sophisticated lady here. Just hope she can get over the ordeal and put it behind her. But once you have a shock like that, it is not something you will very quickly forgive and forget.

And just to create some exitement in life, I will soon find out if I should receive similar sort of fate in the good old UK now that I have said things one should never say publicly, no matter how nicotine deprived one was!

Moving swiftly on, randomness of different kind... I have been watching some of these very young finnish teenagers posting all these 'Press like button and I will list 5 things I like about you, or I will list all the boys who press like in cuteness order, or I will tell you what I think about you' sort of things on facebook and they seem to be having great fun doing it and a big group of kids is taking part and so on and forth. And then I am looking at the statuses of some english teenagers around same age and it is all effin, blinding, drinking, calling people names, having arguments publicly on facebook and I am thinking my god what a totally 2 different planets the similar age teenagers live in. They should do teenage swap between the 2 countries for a week or two, now there's a reality show I would watch and it would be damn entertaining!

Also I was wondering what my dogs feel about this, now that I can smell how bad smokers really stink again, makes me wonder what the dogs with sense of smell so much keener than a normal human being are thinking of me now that I stink far less. Are they worried as their companion smells completely different, are they glad I smell better? If they could talk what would they say?

So as you see, some real random stupid thoughts, either down to my withdrawal or Champix or just vivid imagination, not sure which yet.

I am looking forward meeting some new people and some old friends this coming weekend tho, maybe socialising a bit will get me out of this bubble called my head.