Ramblings

I am just about to set off on yet another online date. This one is dinner so if he is really horrible at least I will get fed. On downside I will have to listen to him for an hour or two. That is perhaps why god created wine?

I have noticed this sweat think returning, it is day 3 after my BAD BAD behaviour and smoking with gay abandon for 10 days and deciding that I am the worlds largest idiot and quitting again. I am so warm it is crazy. I can see me turning up on this date and having one of those moments when sweat is quite literally dripping into my eyes. Especially if I eat something hot and spicy. That is very likely too since I love hot chillis and the like.  Memo to self> Go and spray the entire deodorant bottle all over body before calling the taxi.

Oh and something that really is winding me up as well is that nobody who visits comments at all. Would be so nice to hear from you, YES YOU! As I know people do come across my pointless ramblings cause I can see it in my stats. And would be nice if someone did share the post once in a while too. So since nobody is I am wondering if there is any point to this verbal vomit at all. Maybe I should have just written private diary. Maybe I will do that about the upmteen online dates. Mind you that would be such a depressing diary that I would probably end up burning it at full moon dancing naked on top of a Halifax hill.

I have now come to the conclusion that quitting smoking is possibly the damn hardest thing I have ever done. Well, tried to do as I don't feel I am on top of it yet as I have just had a relapse. Just goes to show that this is a fight for life that can last for the rest of your life. It is so easy to say I will have just one...when you think you can handle it. But I am living proof that you really shouldn't as that tends to lead to another and suddenly you are week or a year down the line smoking a packet a day.

But it is also a journey of self discovery. How bad you can feel, how great you can feel once you feel like you are beating it and how much of a fighter you really have to be to try again after failing a number of times.

I have also learnt that when I have a relapse, when people come to me tutting and shaking theirs heads, I really do feel like I could punch their lights out. In some way it was good they did that but all it did was piss me off royally and make me have another. It was in the end game me who had to pick up the pieces and decide to get a grip of my own self destructing behaviour. I am the only one who can make the choice.

This is not to say that support isnt important, it really is. But I have realised that after the 1st two weeks everyone forgets that you are still fighting like hell for beating this thing. Every single day is a fight, sometimes it is just a small skirmish by 6 men on the Scottish Highlands but other times it is the World War 2 and occasionally it is the Apocalypse. It is very important to know who your troops are. Right now I feel I have none, but thats just my mood, I am sure it is not true in reality.

Edited 3 days later>
F*ck It. I fell again. No the date wasn't that bad, but he did smoke.
For frikks sake. I'd like to see him again but is that wise considering that I am likely to bum all his fags off him?

I am totally totally hopeless, useless piece of middle aged woman ass(wipe).
Someone just shoot me now. With a shotgun. And then shoot again just to be sure to put me out for good. Pissing heck.

Then you fall a little

It is time for the confession. I have been putting this off for a week or so but it has to be done. I fell flat on my face and smoked for 1.5 weeks.
Why did I do such a thing after being smokefree for nearly 4 months. I really do not know, I just really wanted a cigarette and had one, then two and then 20. So all in all I had about 40 cigarettes in space of 10 days. And kicked my own ass after each one, but could not stop myself.

Nothing major happened in my life that upset me or such so there was no excuse. The last cigarette I had was 3 days ago and strangely I have been ok after that, ok in cravings wise, they have been there but not ridiculous, so I have had couple of nicotine gums a day and thats been enough.

I just really dont know what came over me, I have been pretty pissed off at myself and have had good tellings off from few people.

I was enjoying being non smoker, it was saving me loadsa money so why do back down that road?
It did help that I got a really bad cold and it reminded me how many colds I had last year and that stopped me on Wednesday. I was pretty much in bed in fever and with massive headache for Thursday and Friday sweating this cold out and only starting to feel bit better today. I would imagine I would still have it if I carried on smoking, it would develop into a chest infection and cough. Maybe this time, it won't.

I am feeling rather down in the dumps partly due to being poorly and partly due to being so disapointed in myself and life in general, but I will climb up, I will.

I apologise and try again. What else is there to do.

Tune of the day: Alter Bridge: I know It hurts. Have a listen, it is rather good.