Still alive, over and out!

 

I am a little calmer and happier than I was last time writing (phew). I must tell you though, that after the last rant, as you know I was having a really, really bad day. Woke up the next morning, went to work…as you do. Around 10am one of my colleagues asks who’s is that gold Audi? –Mine, WHY? I answer with sheer horror in my voice.

‘You have a flat tyre!’

I buried my head in my hands, burst into tears thru which I managed to scream I hate that fucking car! You should have seen his facial expression at that!!! I don’t know if it was the swearing or the tears that shocked him the most. Must have thought I am a complete basket case! As it happened there was lots of people milling around our desks at that precise moment in time and lots of baffled looks. It was just the final thing on top of everything that just broke me. As it happens, some kind lads from work got it all sorted for me and by the afternoon I had new tyre and it only cost me £44. Could have been much worse, that was with our company discount so saved a bit there. Had to laugh at someone’s comment ‘It’s only a flat tyre love, not a problem, we will get it sorted for you!’ God knows what kind of stories about me will be flying around the office, down the mobiles to all the engineers as well. The crazy Finnish woman was at it again! This is twice this year I have cried my eyes out in the office, both times after quitting smoking as well. Seems everyone else is perfectly normal and balanced human being. It is just me that seems to have emotions like a 5 year old! (I could try and blame the withdraw symptoms?)

As to my finances, they are still completely knackered, but the car has finally got it’s MOT sorted for another year. In the end I did find another seat belt for £40 so the total damage remained under £300 for it all. Still plenty, but not quite in the £500 mark.

As for smoking, it is now day 34 without a single puff of the evil cigarette. Yay me!

As for boyfriend, haven’t got one anymore, so singleton again. Hope he finds his happiness in London. Me, well I should be used to being single anyway since been that way for almost 4 years anyhow, so came to terms with my luck with men over the weekend.  Might as well stay single now for another few years, have had enough drama for a while. I think I will invest in a black cat instead.

However, should Shane Ward, Johnny Depp, Jason Statham, Orlando Bloom, Ewan McGregor, Jensen Ackles, Gerard Butler, Hugh Jackman, Vin Diesel or Antonio Banderas knock on my door, I would have to reconsider!

I have to say, the dreams are still awesome, Champix is keeping me dreaming with some of the above starring in them I might add to my delight!. Yesterday I stayed in bed till 5pm so had plenty of dreams. When finally managed to get myself up I only stayed awake for 6 hours and then back to bed. And had no trouble falling asleep!

I think I was just emotionally and physically completely drained.

Today, I feel almost like a normal person again. It was good to have a duvet day and clear my head a bit!

On and towards new tobacco free adventures!

Warning- There is a storm brewing

First of all, if you don't like swearing, grapahic detail and generally royally pissed off woman's rantings, I suggest you close this window now and move on, there is nothing for you here today! You must be minimum age of 25 at least and preferably have at least 3 kids to read today's post!

Now that we got that important bit out of the way, my god do I need to unload in megabig way. I am almost scared at what might come out, but out it shall come since I have learned that this public outing of my blogging is in some shape or form therapeutic and I might feel better afterwards. Directly after that I will feel remorse and quite possibly delete the whole post, it has happened before. So if you are reading this, read quick as it might only be available for few minutes or hours.

If there has been any day that I really have needed a cigarette, it has been today.And I have been so close to just saying fuck it and walked to the shop. I haven't, even after the 2 latest bombshells. Which makes me a superhumanbeing. ...Why? I hear you ask.....

Well let me tell you the story!

This story has many dimensions ans aspects and parts totally irrelevant to eachother, they just have compounded on each other making it just about the shittiest day this year.

It all started last thursday when I took my car for MOT. As some of you know I bought my car for 2500 pounds last year. Since then I have spent 1400 pounds in fixing it. So by any accounts this damn piece of shit should go thru the MOT (katsastus for the finns). But oh no, I forgot...one evening when I attached my dogs harness to the seatbelt, it resulted to the dog chewing it. Like really well. So that particular evening I gets to my destination and my friend assures me that they dont fail MOT for that, as long as the seatbelt locks it will pass. Therefore I promptly forgot about the whole thing. Well as you can imagine, it failed. Now that could make me a bit crumpy at my dog, but really, it is a seatbelt, how bad can that be?

Then we get to Item 2 of the failure. Rubber gaitor missing on the streering rack. This of course would be very normal and afterall does not cost a lot. It is just that I spent 900 pounds in replacing both steering racks and steering pump exactly 12 months ago, which totally messed up my finances. So one should think, they would do the job properly and fit all the relevant parts, including some piece of rubber that it should have? 

Apparently not. So lets start adding up, 48 pounds for the MOT (that failed) piece of rubber that should be there and is not although i paid for it, 30 pounds for that piece of shit and another 30 for fitting it.

Sooooo, we have 108 pounds now for something that should not even have happened. 

So let's return to the seatbelt. Ooooh, the seatbelt. So the garage tells me that I can try and find used one, and they can try and find used one from scrappers, or we can order one from Audi for around 54 pounds plus VAT plus carrige...so around 70 pounds. In my infinite wisdom (which appears I have plenty) I order one from internet for 28 pounds, shipped for next day delivery. Great. Problem solved. So I take my car down, my colleague Sarah picks me up to work from there (for second time by now, thanks sarah, be lost without you!) and it will all get repaired, I will have MOT certificate and all is well in the world.

Well...NO! The used seatbelt is A.) inop- piece of shit that does not work and oh wait...B.) wrong type as well and the fitter spent 2 hours fitting it and managed to get it fit, but then the damn thing refused to work.

So the bill of 108, let's add few more hours of wasted labour to it...we now have 168 (plus 28 paid for the used belt) so 198 pounds. No MOT certificate. No working seatbelt. So then comes the next obstacle. Why was it wrong???

It appears that I have a very special car indeed. Most cars like mine have 3 doors. Well mine happens to be one of the few made with 5 doors for special people. Here we can think 2 ways, oh...I am special with a very special car, or I am totally fucked with a very special car. I of course was leaning towards the latter by this point. And I needed a cigarette.

When you have 200 pounds in your account for rest of the months living and it is only the 10th, this really isn't good news. But guess what, it was about to get better!!!! (how is that possibe I hear you ask....?)

I speaks to the people I bought the used part from and who supposedly promise 30 day guarantee, that does not sound too good and I have come to the conclusion I wont see a penny of that. Fair enough, must be deserved for being a cheapskate, woman...whatever???? I could sue them but I could spend 2 years waiting for winning that!

But now we are starting to get to the good bit....I tells the garage to order the belt from Audi for next day delivery an that I will take my car back down. Great...just do it, extra 70 quid but at least this nighmare is over..... Well...ahem....NO!

I gets a call 1 hour later, very apologetic, they have gone to order the belt from Audi and suddently the sales guy is like...OMG I have made a mistake, if it is 5 door, the new seatbelt is 154 pounds, plus VAT, plus carriage. Call it 200 pounds. (so now the bill would be 400...yeah...which I dont have)

At this point I nearly walk out of work, drive my stupid Audi to closest shop and buy some cigarettes. But I dont.

Instead I call a few places , put a few feelers out on the tinternet and on few databases and get to the conclusion that NOBODY in this country will have a used one of these god forsaken seatbelts! That if I may add; no-one ever uses on my back seat.

By this point I could get really pissed off at my dog, but I don't...I love her...for some peculiar reason.

Now my hopes and dreams are hanging on 1 person, 1 place who may be able to fix the previous seatbelt for less that 200 pounds tomorrow. But I would say that is 1% chance, otherwise we are in that 400 pound happy pot.

Anyhow, jeesus all that talk about a car. Well it is not just that what is causing my bad day.....

The doctor also gave the wrong precripton of champix yesterday (the drug that is helping me quit smoking) and I got the drugs that are far too weak for my kind of hardcore ex-smoker. So after running around screaming at the pharmasist first, who by the way could not find my prescription , then calling the doctors surgery (as the pharmacists demanded) being on hold for 10 minutes and getting really bloody annoyed, I am still in possession of drugs that I paid for and that are wrong and I need to go to see my doctor and then pay for another presccription sometime in the bext few days to get back on track with the right pills and so on... If I just could get there, but I can't as I am working late shift and doctors surgery is closed by the time I get home.

Apparently the pharmacy  would be happy with faxed prescription, but APPARENTLY my surgery can't do that. For fucks sake?  This actually is a really long story, but you have a very short version of it there. SOMEONE Gimme a fag to let me outta me misery!!!!! I would really have a great ewxcuse here to start again....

And Tina, thanks! I would have had that cig off Emma this afternoon if it wasn't for you!

So all and all I had a crappy day as you can tell. But wait....the best is still to come. What else could it be I hear you ask?

Well I have been single as most of you know for 4 years, simply because I was very broken and there wasn't really a person I could or would fall for.(ome of you concluded that such a guy who would pass the 'good to stay' inspection does not excist) Until 3-4 weeks ago. Someone who is intelligent, handsome, considerate and all those things my kinda girl wants. So we met once, twice...7 times. And even to the point that I went to change my fb relationship status. ie. very seriously smitten kinda stuff.

Well, in this little few weeks, the government cuts meant that he lost his job, and when I got home today I found out that he got a new one. Good news I hear you say. Yeah!

Well, no. The new job is in London.

WTF did I do to the gods to deserve this? 

I can't even go any further on the matter, just fucking devastating. Life is such!

So now that I have spent hours crying and punching the wall...I HAVE NOT had a cigarette. But I just might yet. Anyhow, self perseverance comes to play. Back to I don't give a shit about anything, anyone and yada yada ya. Just pretend nothing matters for a very long time. Cause it is pointless giving a shit.

Just go with the flow and stop giving a fuck about whatever it is that is going on.

On this note, after a bottle of wine and major rant...I feel totally deflated an I really could not care if world came to an end, but I will wake up in the morning and carry on as if none of this ever happened, after all...isn't that what youre supposed to do?

So how was you day? :) (please feel free to tell me about your crappy, or ever crappiest day EVER!)

Ps: share a link on fb...I need readers since I post at non sensible times.
I need someone to share this fucking shizen! Ok? I dare you!

Cruising altitude 27 days and counting!

Another long stretch has gone without blogging it all. As I said, I am running out of ideas, how many times can you repeat yourself without it becoming boring?



I have good days, I have bad days. Every day I still think about smoking. Some days a bit less and some days a bit more. But I have managed entire 27 days without a single puff.


And no; I am not lying, although Dave at work is convinced that as soon as I leave work I rush into some top secret location to have one, without ANYONE knowing.


I find it funny as well that the lodger seems to think I don’t notice him smoking in his room. The whole house smells of cigarettes when he has one up in his bedroom as the door has a good gap and when he opens the window, the draught and smoke just gets thru the gap at the door and spreads itself around the house. But he probably thinks like I used to, that no-one will smell it as he has window open. Becoming a non smoker has made me realise how damn strong they really do smell. And of course the rental agreement says non-smoking room. To be fair I don’t give a damn when I am away, it is just when I am there and gagging for a cig myself, it isn’t helping smelling it around the whole house. But I will persevere. He had left his cigarettes in the kitchen last night, and I nearly had one of them. Temptation is everywhere!


And to think I used to chain smoke indoors, and certainly didn’t have window open in the wintertime. Yikes, not a nice thought anymore.


I am now noticing that my skin looks bit better, I breathe easier, don’t get out of breath quite so easily and generally have better energy levels. ( I am sure the 3 litres of coffee per day has nothing to do with it!)


Of course there are still some drawbacks, for example eating like a little piggie; kebabs, curries, cakes, pizzas, burgers, chips, sausage and bacon sandwiches. I do manage maybe 1 day a week when I might have something healthy, like a chicken salad. But rest of the time I am eating loads. Astonishingly, last 2 weeks have not seen any weight gain, so that’s good. I am sure it is working up some momentum and one morning I will just simply not fit into the clothes I am wearing today, fat will be just taking over completely.


We used to have Friday as naughty sandwich day in the office, when most folk would have a bacon buttie. Now I am having one everyday! Yammy! But to be honest, right now I don’t give a monkeys ass, as long as I stay without a cig well into the new year. Then we can start working on the next task…losing the 5 stone I have put on by then :D
Haha…that should be a laugh! I do like to make life difficult for myself. I could have just carried on smoking.


Now it is worth a mention that in the last 28 days, I have saved 140 pounds not smoking. Where that money is, I have no idea??? I don’t seem to have any more of it. But on the other hand I have done 80% of my Xmas shopping, which is very unusual as I don’t normally start until mid December. So maybe that’s where it went?

Sunshine trallalallalaaaaaa!

Woke up this morning to a dream abut having a cigarette :) And really really wanted one. I have been awake alreadyfor 4 hours or so and not had one, so I guess that's good. Funny how yesterday it was not even anything I thought about and today it is all I think about.

However, after the 5 hour afternoon nap and 10 hour sleep last night, wow man I am awake and full of beans! This is what normal people probably feel like most of the time when they wake up in the morning. So after all that moaning last night, I went for shower, walked the dog, did weekly shopping and cleaned downstairs and sorted some laundry. And it is not even 2pm. Wow. Sun is shining gloriously so had leisurely cup of coffee on the back yard and next will go for a loooong walk on the hills. God knows what else I get done today at this rate, world peace and end to poverty? Oh yeah and end to go compare adverts could be great too ;)

So although I keep wanting a cigarette, I will attempt not to have one and stay active instead and give inhaler some action too, it was feeling all neglected yesterday. Oh and Minna the second inhaler mystery has been solved, it has materialised under my mums bed of all places....???? Go figure.

That just goes to show that I am a master of losing things.Currently on the wanted items list is the leather cover for my phone, last seen on bedside table 5 weeks ago and my insanity, last seen wandering around the Sainsbury's carpark when an old lady nearly crashed into me after which I can only imagine is her total unawareness of helping aids such as mirrors.

Anyhow as you can see or more like hear or even read, I am back to my happy self again, all it took was some serious sleep! But I still want a cig.

Exhausted

I didn't think I would really ever be saying this, but I didn't think about cigarettes at all today until about 7pm.

All day! Wow!! (quite surreal to realise that too)

As to otherwise the World of Miia, I was up quite late last night and for first time in ages only got 5 hours sleep before work. I nearly could not cope, I was finding it hard to operate and even string a decent sentence together. I have no one but myself to blame of course. But I wish and hope that after my upcoming surgery and the oral appliance therapy design of the appliance for me will work. Would be nice just every now and then to be able to sleep for 5 hours and feel just a tad tired like normal people. So I gets home from work at half past midday and I go directly to bed and sleep for 5 hours. Ah well, that's Saturday over and done with then! (shit really isn't it!) And guess what...I still feel exhausted! I was supposed to do a bit of cleaning and weekly food shopping and laundry...all this stuff that one catches up at a weekend. *Sigh*

I have decided that rather than catching up with it tomorrow and spending my entire Sunday doing all that boring stuff, I am not going to! I am going out for a long walk on the hills with the dog and have a relaxing day and leave all that crap undone and have take-away and worry about it some other bloody day, weekend or whatever.

Just totally can't be arsed weekend. Blokes get to have them all the time. Now I am having one! Tired of being organised and responsible (ish).

Now I am reading back and wondering what on earth was the point of this post. Absolutely pointless. Might as well shut up.I am going back to bed.

zzzzzzzzzz.....

Day 9 Final Edition

It has been a while since last blog post. I felt I was just moaning about same old shit every time so thought I would give it a break. Since the last post I failed again on the eve of the 3rd day. And then FINALLY decided that enough is enough, either I do this or forget it and stay a smoker. So I firmly decided to give it one last attempt, for good.



It is now Day 10 without ANY cigarettes. So this time at least I got past that 3 day merry-go-round. Is it easy? Is it hell. Everyday at one point or another I could murder for one. But rather than feeling disgustingly disappointed in myself which I did with the 3 day merry-go-round, I am now feeling rather pleased with myself.

There are times when this seems harder than others. This week those times have been for example Tuesday morning. My alarm is supposed to ring at 6am. Of course for this to happen ideally I would really need to set the alarm up. Sensible? I do that 5 times a week every week. Not Monday night though. I wake up to glorious sunshine at 8:15 precisely. In my sleepy brain I wonder why it is so sunny when I wake up at darkness normally, I sigh and think…ooh, must be Sunday. Then the realisation hits and for the next 10 minutes we have primary brain function screaming repeatedly ‘shitfuckshitfuckshitfuck’ as I dash around the house trying to get ready, hitting my toe into the bedpost, no time for coffee, just enough time to run the dog for a quick morning dump and then off to work. There are not many things that I hate as much as waking up late. So the day was in tatters even before it began.


As I am driving to work I notice my shirt is inside out, now this on the other hand is very positive, at least I notice it! Normally I wouldn’t until someone hours later would point it out, grinning. So I sneak into toilet as I arrive just to change it the right way around and try and slide to my desk unnoticed. Whish I am sure did not go unnoticed at all! At this point, I would very much liked to have had a cigarette. Like really, really liked it. However I am proud of the fact that I got to work for exactly 9am and the car journey alone takes 25 minutes and I am proud for not having had that cigarette.


On a more positive note I went to the smokers AA meeting again last night and this time there was quite a large group of people, and over half of them were finding it hard. It was about the bloody time! I thought that everybody were world class lying gits. Finally some honesty!!


In fact the lady sat next to me was sweating, shaking and totally unable to keep any part of her body still for the entire hour that we were there. The little demon inside me was dancing a victory dance and practicing it’s very best evil laughter. (Just in time for Halloween and all!)


It was day 9 yesterday and it was probably hardest day of them all this time for me so it was rather pleasurable to listen to all these people whining. It had been insane day at work where every single job went horribly wrong and nothing was working and I seem to recall I swore a lot, at some point I was getting raised eyebrows from the Supervisor and my colleagues for the profanities I was spewing out. Normally I am really not that bad at all. Somehow I think I managed not to swear at any customers, which is a bonus…I get to keep my job. I think. For now.



This week also the dreams have come back. Thanks to Champix I am having some weird and wonderful dreams, all night, every night. They are in fact so crazy I would need to write an entire separate blog of them, totally incognito as otherwise there is a small chance I would be sent to a soft padded cell in a local establishment for the mentally impaired. I am loving it though, wish this movie theatre could go on forever. It is amazing what crazy world one’s unconscious mind can be! Then again, my sleep pattern is totally messed up as it is since I get hardly no deep sleep at all as the sleep study found, which in theory should mean I don’t get much REM sleep either which is the dreaming sleep and which normally occurs after the deep sleep ie. delta sleep period NREM3 and 4. Hmm…work that out then Sigmund Freud! I must be a freak!


On that note, I think it is time to let the weekend commence. For me it is a working one, but never mind. At least I might get a sleep in on Sunday. Besides me being me, I have shitloads stuff to be getting on with with the little freetime I have. Might as well use it productively! Have a good un everybody and do drop me a line if you're bored :) 

Healings and smokings

I have just had a very painful half hour, my aunties husband just manipulated my sciatica nerve which was starting to seize up. I have used every single finnish swear world in my vocabulary during that half hour. ( for those who want to lear some, it went something like this: voi perkeleen helevetin perse saatana ko ottaa kipiää jumalauta) Cheezuz it was pain in 1st degree. Now I am shell shocked and almost scared to move.

But I know that in about another 20 minutes after this, I will be skipping around like a 9 year old LOL painfree. So perfect moment for my latest confessions :)

Seems I am coping on average 3 days without a smoke and then I stumble. This time I went and bought a packet. Well of course I had to smoke the entire pack in a course of 2 days. (Obviously!) So would have been far bettert to bum just the one from someone.

And then here I go again (Whitesnake moment) so I have been smoke free yesterday and today.

This is of course ridiculous and I am just making this harder for myself, it is like starting all over again and again and again. Like a really bad fairground ride that makes you slightly ill. Imagine having to do it over and over again. Say rollercoaster. Yikes.

Strangely yesterday and today I have had no problem being without smokes, so I don't know...is that progress?

My holiday is coming to a close soon, I am going to have dinner and go to sauna tonight with my mum, and tomorrow I will go and see my granny and then fly back down south to my sisters. we will then inspect the nightlife in Myyrmäki in Polso fashion and then it is back to rainy UK late Sunday night.

Holidays always go too quickly! But it has been nice and I am chilled out to the bone :)

I think will have to watch 'Arn' second movie, watched the first one last night and it was fab, this is a Swedish movie, full of legends and nights templar type of things, just my cup of tea. SO I think dinner, sauna, then back to Aunties and movie night :) 

So that's all folks, I am now going to attept to stand up, hopefully without sciatica pains :)

Hope ya all have a fantastic weekend!! 

FreewayCER and willpower

Two days of intensive training and teaching is now completed, as per usual, I feel tired but energised which sounds weird but it is such a buzz to get the reactions I get from people when they cure problems that may have bothered them for years and to which nothing has worked at all. We always start with the sceptism; if this really is as good as it has been said it is, it would be incredible. And by the end of the 2 days, I have a group of people who are amazed, blabergasted and in complete awe of the profound healing and effects that have taken place. They leave with the total inspiration to go and help and try this on everything and everyone. Heal the pains, emotional or physical. Truly 'Heal the world' feelings all around.

The most profound case thsi weekend was a lady who had had serious arm pain for 20 years, she has seen every specialist, she has tried every tablet, cream and physio the doctors have been able to give her, she has tried number of alternative therapies and she was facing a very stark reality that she may have to retire from work as the pain was causing so much problems in her life that if was making her work increasingly difficult. 

Her pain was taken away COMPLETELY in 25 minutes, even the painkillers have never been able to mask the pain completely, ever.

Imgine her reaction? To have such a problem in her life removed? There is nothing that compares to something like that. When she left she said to me 'Thank you for changing the rest of my life, and my entire family's future'  Those kind of comments are the reason why I teach FreewayCER Meridian Energy Therapy. It quite literally can change peoples lives.

But back to the topic of the blog, smoking. I had a struggle on Friday when I was flying to Finland and ended up bumming a ciragette. There is something about airports and flying that seemed to have that trigger that was impossible to say no to. I was proud of myself tho for the fact that I did not buy 10 cigs, I considered it, stood outside the shop and then though if I need one, I should have to go through the shame of bumming it from a complete stranger. So I did, so ended up chatting away to this bloke outside that I bummed it from and as per usual airport talk, we ask where one is going to. Turns out same flight, same destination. So he was finnish. We promptly changed the lanuguage to finnish and he said, why didn't you just ask me in finnish. As if I have built in recognition software that instantly alerts me to a finnish person! LOL. On thinking about it, maybe this finnish person looked least scary and intimidating to go and ask for a cigarette from.

So after this fall from my pedastal, I have not had any cigs yesterday or today.

I have wanted one quite desperately a number of times, although I find when I am teaching and using the various FreewayCER techniques, I don't even remember smoking. Still seems the after eating a meal is most difficult time.

So overall, still fighting, one cigarette at a time.

Right now I am sat in a very comfortable chair at my sisters new pad, there is lots of organising going on and it has been rather amusing to watch 3 people making some pictures out of board and flowery fabric. We have 2 women; laboratory technician and occupational therapist and then we have a male who is structual engineer. And everyone knows the best. However, after giving the engineer whole load of grief, the ladies made the decions, but he had to do all the work.  I can be proud of us ladies again;  after giving him all the grief and winding him up, when he made it all work, they were full of praise for him, thus securing future helping hand from him. Damn we women are clever at times :D 

On this note it is time to go for a meal at Rio Grande tex mex restaurant with my brother, since I can't smoke, at least I am eating very well :) 

And I really ythink if I had had an ashtray like this, it would have been a good thing :D

Bridget Jones Stylee

Cigarettes consumed: 0 (yeah!!)

Wine consumed: 2 glasses (so far)

Number of dates with single eligeble bachelors: 0

Naughty things eaten: Bic Mac and Greggs bacon and sausage sarnie

World recods in packing the suitcase: 1 ( 33 minutes which included emptying the diswasher and watering the plants)

Ah, yes for some reason Bridget came to mind earlier and you know me...I have to (it appears) share an awful lot of what comes to mind with you dear blog readers.

Anyhow, I may be a little busy to write over the next few days, will be training some fantastic new FreewayCER Meridrian Therapy Therapists all weekend in Kerava, still working in the morning tomorrow and then flying over in the afternoon.

Monday I will be conducting Mission Impossible in Myyrmäki and then Tuesday I am flying to Kokkola. But need not to worry, I will find a laptop somewhere just to tell you that I am either failing or succeeding in this non smoking malarky. I intend to be succeeding.

Tonight was a refreshing change at non-smoking group. Rather than everyone saying it is a piece of cake, this time there was few people who were finding it really hard, and they were on their quit attempt numbers over 20. My internal demon was VERY satisfied!

I can safely say one thing, if I fail now, I might as well be smoker for a long time again, there is no way I am doing all this shit again (funny I recall saying that last time) it is just incredibly difficult to go through the withdraw symptoms and the willpower required in daily basis. The difficulty could in fact be compared to a size 18 lady trying to get into size 4 jeans, or even size 12! impossiböe, I know! LOL

Was just watching Metallica 'Turn the page' video, and my life could be whole lot worse. You can watch it here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W2QgpqWU1xM

So really I should not be bitching and moaning at all, just seems to I have so much fun doing it! And for some unknown reason, people seem to be reading it. Don't know why? (ha, me plastering it all over facebook has nothing to do with it hehe)

Anyhow, now my nails are done, I am packed, wine consumed is now 3 glasses.

I think it is time for bed and tomorrow...leaving on a jetplane, don't know when I'll be back again....

Nite nite, I will go and give my pillow some head and my duvet some ass!

Oh...sunny happy day!...what is going on???

OMG. This morning upon opening my crusted eyes my first thought was not cigarette, it was 'oh crap, forgot to buy milk, no coffee and cereal for me then' I promtly dashed to see if lodger had come in from nightshift and found he hadn't and texted him with furious speed to ask him to bring some in. And I got the message off at perfect time 

My morning peace was restored. All this meant that I didn't really think about smoking, and to be totally honest didn't even fancy one. (Hallejuja, it's a miracle on 3rd day!)

After yesterdays morbid depression, I was full of energy and on a good mood (yes I know, scary that!!). As I drove to work there was a gorgeous sunrise over the hills and that made me actually sing along to some upbeat music in the car on my way to work (to the horror of local wildlife). I am not sure if hell has frozen over or if I have suddenly jumped to alternate universe of happy Miia, but right this moment I really don't care. This could be just one of those very fastly fleeting moments so I am going to bask in it as long as it lasts. I am sure I will be back to frustrations, andgryness and morbid moping in no time!

Today also marks the day when smokers really stink, my sense of smell is very heightened and my god do the smokers really stink badly. To add to that I am amazed at how many people stink of all sorts of unpleasant other odours too. Yak.

I really, really, really want to succeed this time, I don't want to stink like that, I do want to stay healthy(ish) and I do not want to spend my hard earned money anymore buying cigs. I have calculated that I have so far in my life spent around 30,000 pounds on fags. Imagine all the things one could have done with that kinda money??????

Holidays in the caribean, trip to outer space...that kinda thing. HA!

As the day progressed, I pretty much have stayed on good mood. Apart from noticing one of my customers and one of my engineers calling me babes, which seems to be getting on my nerves more and more each time they say it. Why? I have no idea. Maybe I don't feel babeish? So I am plotting suitable revenge, thinking of lovely pet names I could call these 2 persons. I will report back as soon as I come up with a good one. (any suggestion will be gratefully received) I am also apprently an absolute diamond :) Now THAT I can live with!!!

Hmm, would lovieee work...cheez that sounds so sickly tho, I would puke up while saying it. Must think harder.

So this concludes todays blog entry, I will leave you all with one last line:

"You know, lady, you don't actually smoke. The cigarette does all the smoking, you are just the sucker!"

Yep, that's about right!

Oh and I have added facebook share button, can someone please press it so the score does not look quite so pathetic? 

Now, ssince is past 8pm I think I should maybe pack, since I am going tomorrow...

Depressing!

If yesterday I was Miss Angry, today it is Miss Totally Depressed. I have also discovered that on the first quit attempt Day 2 sickness had nothing to do with the chicken salad that got thrown away. It seems my body likes to make me feel nauseous for depriving it from it's precious poisons.

There has been an awful lot of fake cheerful voice on the phone at work and lot's of staring into space with face like carved from stone.I have felt like I have been living today under water. Everything seems 'muffed' the brain does not seem to register a lot of things. Like people talking to me. In fact I have no idea really who has spoken to me and what they have said. 

The strange thing is I should be really in a good mood, I am off to Finland on Friday and I have had some quite exiting news about a top secret project that I can not yet talk about, but that could be the coolest and most exiting thing to happen to me in years if things went the way I plan them to go. 

And yet I am moping about like Emo teenager with mascara running down my face and sitting here with my favourite rock t-shirt on.

I even did a little retail therapy after work and got me a new winter coat. Even that did nothing to lift my spirits.

I am watching some comedy on telly whilst writing this, and all it is doing is winding me up.

So I decided to call my shrink and this is what I got:

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.

So I hung up and decided to make that my new answerphone message. Something for the telemarketers to listen to. Since let's be honest, that is the only people that call my landline. And they do need some help!

You remember when there used to be cigarette advertising? Like lot of the sports were full of them. Ironic don't you think? I mean at the time it seemed normal but now?

Without advertising tho I have heard it thru the grapewine that the Marlboro clothing is very functional. The denim jacket has electric heart paddles sewed right into the lining, and there’s a backpack that can hold a portable respirator. That could come in handy! LOL.

Now that were rolling, how about the absolutely fantastic comment made by Brooke Shields '"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." 

Sorry, I am in fact so depressed I have to think of some smoking jokes to try and cheer me up...what ever works eh?

This one is a cracker:

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.

Lady 1: "What's that?"

Lady 2: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."

Lady 1: "Where did you get it?"

Lady 2: "You can get them at any drugstore."

The next day ... Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: "It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel."

On that note I am going to crawl into my tomb, pull the tombstone over my head and have a slumber.And yes, I am aware it is only 21:15, what is your point exactly? This quitting smoking business is very tiring!

Holy hell!

I am officially struggling.

I am furious. Angry. Facebook is no good for my fragile state. There is a rapist in town, number of rapes have happened around Halifax in the last week I hear and it makes my blood boil.

What the hell makes men commit such an act and who the hell do they think they are, for thinking they can get away with it?

I am almost thinking walking down to the area where it has all been going on, just so I could beat the living shit out of this arsehole.And castrate him. And right now, I would not even think twice. I would feel that is justice served.

He has no right!

Was I in my normal mind I would perhaps not think this way, afterall, I am but a mere woman. But then, I know I weigh a lot, I did survive the survival challenge and I can kick so hard that he would quite literally never get a hard on again, I do think that I have the right to be angry. Most women and young girls are light like feathers, have no self defence skills and are naive. And this piece of crap is taking advantage of that.

Anyhow. This upset has made me not think about cigarettes for a while.

And also, I send my most warm and healing throughts to a speaciawoman who has had some bad news and I want you to know, you are in my thoughts, keep letting me know what is happening please x

It has now been 33 hours since my last cigarette and my emotions are all over the place, I am swearing like a navy seal and I am drinking like a captain.

Yeah, yeah...as we already established before, apprently quitting smoking is good for me :D

The REAL Day 1

Thanks for the comments on previous posts! Keep them coming, they keep me writing! As one anonymous said maybe it is the other issues that are going on in life that are the problem. Had a little think and came to the conclusion that the only other problem I really have right this moment in time is that I am reluctant to quit because I enjoy it and that I am not properly motivated. Everything else in my life is fine really, sort of. I think? I did fail my last attempt after 10 weeks of not smoking due to the funeral of my gran, but really I can't use that as an excuse for my failing now.



So I decided to grab the bull by the horns yesterday, I smoked a few cigarettes and then gathered all remaining cigs and took them to work with me. I promptly gave them all to a colleague who is one of the few remaining smokers in our office. She was pleased anyway. I felt that I now have some resolve to do this. I told her not to give me one under any circumstances, no matter if I am begging on my hands and knees or screaming my head off.


I haven’t had one since and that was lunchtime yesterday. So now today it is the real day 1 for quitting.


It is funny when I started work for this company 2 years ago there was 8 smokers. Now there is only 3. This of course is a great sign and gives me some hope that I can succeed, after all…others have managed.


What I have learned as well is that once I get this thing as well under the belt as last time, past that 8 week mark, that is when you got to get careful. You can’t have even one cig or you will just go back to it.


Other thing to motivate me again is that I found out yesterday that I will have to have another surgery this year. It will be Septoplasty for my nose to help me breathe better. When one is a smoker, the risk of complications in anastasia are far greater. So it would be better for me to be done with it by then. Apparently this surgery will take place sometime before Christmas. Strange, went to see doctor at spring time for 2 problems, and they both ended up needing surgery. Two in one year, when I had managed 36 years without none! Madness.


Just for the moment I don’t feel too bad, no need to beat the wall with my fists or attack people. But there is time yet!!! If I remember correctly the first day wasn’t the worst, it was around day 2 that I came sick and day 3 and 4 when nearly caved in last time.


So I know the worst is yet to come. Bring it on you bastard!! My inner warrior has woken up and is ready to PARRRRTY!


I just did a FeewayCER Meridian Energy Therapy session and that has totally now turned me around to thinking I can do this. Should have got around to doing that at the weekend really but I was busy!


I am noting though that I am biting my nails. So I may not have any nails left in the end of the week, which is a great shame as I have really long nice nails just now. Hmph.


And the inhaler is getting it some. I might have finely defined cheekbones soon, the thing is you really have to put some effort into sucking it to get anything out of it! And then when you do get some nicotine out of it, man does it taste bad. Yak!

I wonder when the sweats and shakes start again??? Yiihaa!

Also my chrystal ball tells me the wine consumption will be increasing over the coming days. The local AA club wondered why their walls were shuddering :D

Why bother?

I tell you what, this bloody quitting smoking thing is just total bull! I did half well yesterday and then ended up slipping and having a cig in the evening.  really lasted only like 12 hours. Pathetic! I am going to end up old, wrinkly and toothless before I succeed :(

And upon rising from my tomb this morning, had another one.

This has brought me to one conclusion, it is not wise to have cigarettes left in the house.(and in the car)

So today I have had 4 cigs. So really it is not even managed to be a quit day at all. I guess, we try to have Day 1 again tomorrow?

I really am feeling rather depressed about it, why is this so much harder 2nd time around? I guess I can answer that myself, I am not properly motivated, I bloody like it! There you have it!

I am like a walking advert for the cigarette companies. Jesus.

I decided to have a emergency teleconference with my Aunt who is also going thru the same thing at the same time in Finland. This made me feel slightly better, but it did not restore my willpower as of yet.

So now I am in a real dilemma. DO I go and smoke all the cigarettes left so that I can't just grab one when I so desire? This of course is assuming that I would not just walk into the shop and buy some?

Or do I just try not to have them, and then feel bad when I fail? Maybe make a nice wig out of them?

Feel free to comment...I am at end of my pathetic tether. Wondering why bother? Why oh why?

5 Hours. Take 2

Slightly schitsophrenic start. I woke up and realised I had not said proper goodbye to my last cigarette last night. So of course I had to have one more last cigarette. So did that with a cup of coffee.

As you can see this time I am not motivated at all. My thoughts circled around looking for reasons why I am actually attempting this.

Anyhow, seems currently we have two entirely different persons residing in my brain. These two take 30 second turns talking to me.

The first person, let's call her Miiuli starts of with ' You know you enjoy smoking, why put yourself out by suffering and not having one, this wont prove anything, apart from the fact that you love smoking. Stop pretending, we both know I am right, come with me, let's go and have a puff! You should never quit something you like doing anyway!'

Then the second cow comes online and we can call her say Miiuska ' It bloody stinks, it is unattractive, expensive and it is soooo bad for you, this quitting thing is piece of cake, no problems at all, like a walk in the sunshine thru a beautiful park with blooming flowers'

For a moment there is silence and then Miiuli goes off on one again. And then Miiuska.... Inbetween I see flying ciragettes with horns pointing and laughing at me.

This is really not a good start.

This in fact is biggest pile of shisen I can think of for a humanbeing to be doing on a perfect sunny saturday. I am fooking insane.
And it has only been 5 hours.
It will be one VERY long weekend this.

Epic Fail!!

So I have a confession to make. (What a surprise) I managed 10 weeks without smoking, then one Sunday morning early I got woken up from my hangover haze with a text message that my grandmother had passed away.

With mouth tasting like cat piss and with a fuzzy head I dragged myself to my computer and looked at some flights. I sat there for pretty much an hour just staring at the screen, trying to decide if I should leave in 4 hours or the next day. I couldn’t make a decision.

I decided to take the dog for a walk and the fresh air helped me cry a bit and then decide that I am leaving now.

I booked my flights, walked into a corner shop and bought 10 cigarettes, smoked 3 of them in half an hour, took a shower, packed and left for the airport.

In my infinite wisdom I thought that I will just have those 10 cigarettes and then no more.


The next day I smoked last of those 10 in the morning, swearing to my sister that this would be it. No more.


I had to catch a train up north and most of the train journey I was fine, but towards the end of the 6 hour joyride I was dying to have a cigarette again, so I went into the restaurant van. Turns out they don’t sell any. The cashier looked at me with sympathy, I would imagine my facial expression was somewhat sad, pathetic, borderline about to loose my mind with crazy sheen to my eyeballs. She said maybe I can help and offered me one of her own cigarettes. I nearly wept. Total stranger was being so kind for no valid reason.


When I arrived at my destination I grabbed myself from the neck and decided to stick with not getting any more. All week from Monday evening until Saturday I stayed not smoking. The funeral was on Saturday and I was due to do a speech. Large amount of my relatives smoke and I ended up bumming 3 cigarettes that day, supposedly to calm my nerves and sadness.


The next day was travel back down south and overnight stay at my sisters, stayed without smoking. Monday evening when my sister and her boyfriend dropped me off at the airport, I jumped out of the car and walked into shop directly and bought some cigarettes.


And now I have been smoking like a chimney for 3 weeks. I have been so angry and disappointed with myself that I haven’t even wanted to write here. Such a pathetic, weak and stupid excuse human being that I am.


Seems the more pissed off I have got with myself, the more I have smoked. What annoys me the most is the cost, I had saved over 400 pounds in that 10 weeks, and the second thing is the neediness, I felt so free without having to make sure I had enough cigarettes and without having to top up my nicotine every hour.


So you may be pleased to hear that I will attempting to quit again. I am totally not looking forward to the first 2 weeks of total hell, as that is what it is, truly, now I know already what is ahead and it is not a nice prospect.


And guess what, the first day of that is tomorrow.


I will smoke myself stupid today, enjoy my last cigs the best I can.


And then we are back to my whining and moaning and bitching as from tomorrow, I will be trying to write again most days and see what rubbish I can spew out from my nicotine withdrawal crazed brain this time for your entertainment or disgust, whichever applies.

Day umpteenth on a looong road....

WOW!

I am in shock. I have had nearly 100 people read the last post. OMG...I don't know if I should do backflips or get drunk to celebrate. Oh, best get drunk since my weight seems to be on the increase and thus I would risk a serious injury if I went to even ATTEMPT backflip now.

The only reason I know how many people are reading is that I finally got a counter, this was rather funny and all, made this counter with this widget thing and had the html code and all, just could not find where I was supposed to slot it. 3 hours later and reading all help sections and trying hundred times, I finally found it...it was so simple a 10 month old that only knows how to say 5 words...could have done it. Hat off to google and the things that they try to make for stupid people like me, making it so simple that it seems there has to be really hard way of doing it, and that is what I was looking for. I wasn't imagining single click with a cat size arrow pointing to it...haha. Well, at least my small mind got some excercise while at it. Must admit Dana looked at me like I was the last village idiot when after hours of staring at the screen, swearing in finnish and telling her that google and everthing they ever inveted was rotten from the core...I suddenly went ' You are joking,that was it, you streamlining fekking bastards!!!' and promptly walked to the fridge and poured a mansize glass of wine...and pouted a lot.

See this blogging thingy is not all that easy at all, it takes time and apparently...NO BRAINS! lol

To be honest, when I started this blog, I went to guess who...lol, google and just typed free blog. Well of course google blog would be first one that came up. I wasn't interested if I was gonna be able to do pretty things with it or make it look like dogs bollocks, in my nicotine withdrawal I just needed to UNLOAD. I signed on in less than 60 seconds and wrote my first post. It is only now that my withdrawal symptoms are easing a little and that I have realised how many people are reading this, that I am trying to make an effort here :D

Anyway, back to smoking, or more apptly, the lack of it. I had a message from my non-smoking group today, the meeting was cancelled as our meeting room got booked for someone else! So no meeting for me then...I wonder if one can class that as a disapointing incident and smoke and then just tell them next week that they crushed me with cancelling my meeting and I REALLY needed it...

No, I would not do that, but it is nice to play with the idea like an AA meeting...feeling like no one cares, not EVEN the AA group...so one needed a drink to drown his sorrows :D

As you can all probably tell, I am feeling a LOT better, the last week with the surgery and all that misery, pain and dizzyness, tiredness and PAIN just made me very miserable and today I almost feel like my normal self and it is soooo NICE!

At the current moment I want a cigarette approx every 2 hours.

Oh, yeah...you will love this...

I am getting my bathroom refurbished, which is great, I finally have most of the things needed, like tiles, bath, carpet, sink, toilet etc and some great friends helping me do it, since I am poor and can't afford to pay for the cowboys that could ruin it all for me for a lot of money.

Now the downside of this is....I am still having these post smoking sweats, I am SO hot all the time, face red, sweat literally pouring out, the good thing is that it does not quite smell as bad as it did before (the mans excersise pants, left in gymbag for 2 weeks, rolled in ash, with added fragrances of dog poo and cat piss...if you remember from previous blogging)

It's just sweat now( which is still not good)...and of course...I can't take a shower or a bath at my house...IIIIK! May I note that Sure advert featuring Alexandra Burke (always dry) is on TV while I write this (the universe knows how to take the piss)

And as my luck should have it, what was supposed to be a fairly straight forward job, turned into one with twists and turns that any soap opera writer could be proud of. I just hope my finances can handle it all. Thank god for some people who are helping me with this whole thing, you know who you are...just know I am eternally greatful!

So when the tiles came out, the old ones, half the wall came out with it too...gonna be a bit bigger job than thought. So I think no showers for at least 2 weeks. Just serves me right for buying a house that was built in 1897. (stoopid biatch!)

All I need now is a heatwave....that would be like the ultimate punishment...I am sweating buckets at +19 as it is...and it had been cloudy and windy...all DAY!

I am staring to wonder if the do an antiperspirant bath anywhere? never mind the pathetic little sprays and sticks they sell...I am needing some serious arsenal. But APPARENTLY QUITTING SMOKING IS GOOD FOR ME :D

I have so much more to say, but for now I am just having a contemplative suck on my nicotine inhalor whilst sipping a glass of Pinot Grigio and watching some Simpsons. The rest can wait thill the next blog...

And if you actually bothered to read ALL this way...do me a favour, just write at least hello on the comments, let me hear YA!!!!

B O R E D

I am so bloody bored I don't know what to do with myself. I have now been sat at home for 72 hours, I have watched approximately 30 hours of TV, countless hours of computer screen, and fair amount of the ceiling.

When you get to this level of boredom, nothng even interests you anymore. I have come up with 20 things to do today and dismissed each one of them as can't be bothered. Thus deepening the boredom.

Anyway, just had to have a moan.

Last night in bed I remebered what I asked my recovery nurse in hospital, after ripping the tube out of my throat and demanding more painkillers, I asked if I had done any embarassing bodily functions during the surgery. She said it didn't matter even if I had. I explained to her that it would highly amuse my blog readers if I had, but she still refused to tell me. I forgot all about this in the past couple of days, it just suddenly came back to me at 00:45 last night. I wonder how many people would ask that? Did I fart? Did it smell? Hehe.

I must be mad as a hatter.

This morning as I was taking my Champix, I realised I had forgot to go and get my next prescription yesterday. Profuse swearing followed. This means I will be without Champix all day Monday before I can get the prescription Monday afternoon after work. NOT GOOD! So I can foresee a delightfull Monday at work. Feel sorry for my workmates already.

I tell you what as well, in the past when I have been to my dentist, he has always been surprised that I don't have gum infection or receeding gums due to my smoking. Well guess what, I quit smoking and I now have gum infection, it started 7 days after I quit. It really hurts, I am flossing, rinsing, brushing and adding tea tree to my gums and trying everything I possibly can to make it go away. But so far nothing is helping.

APPARENTLY QUITTING SMOKING IS GOOD FOR ME.

Pissed off.

And last night I noticed I am getting a pimple. Guess where. In my eyelid. I mean who gets a pimple in their eyelid???? That is just abnormal! Must be to do with this quitting smoking again, the 'poisons' are choosing the most interesting places to remove themselves out of my body. I wonder what is next...????

Yesterday, due to being bored all I did was eat. And eat. And eat. I can see where this is going. And since I am so bloody bored today, that is probably all I am gonna do today. That is if my gums allow it. (still pissed off)

So today I am bored, pissed off, depressed, annoyed. But right this moment in time, I don't want a cigarette.

I guess that is something?

Day 14

Pardon my absence, as you know it was the scary surgery few days ago. Man I tell you, the post anesthesia was great, all fuzzed up and confused on cloud no 9.

I was very very scared, but I have to say the lovely danish nurse made me feel lot better and in fact all the staff were great. When I woke up I ripped the breathing tube out the moment I opened my eyes and promply burst into tears. I was just so glad to wake up again! And glad it was all over. Apparently in 4-6 weeks I should be as good as new!

The pain was incredible so the recovery nurse pumped me full of some kinda medicine and rest of the day I felt fine floating about not giving a damn :)

I have been taking it very easy and sleeping a lot, had all my friends take turns looking after me for the 1st 24 hours, so thank you all for that! Still have quite a bit of pain, but painkillers are making it bearable so all is pretty well.

On the day if the surgery, in the evening my housemate and friend were having a cigarette on my back yard. I stumbled out to go and smell the lovely smell and stupidly decided to have one drag of cigarette. Jesus it made me feel sick, I had to go lay down and I felt so poorly for next hour it is untrue.

So, maybe it was stupid. But in a way it was good, cause I don't want to feel like that again, really was horrible and I think it had something to do with the anesthesia after effects. But I want to keep that memory of how sick it made me feel, forefront in my mind, for every single time I want a cig. (which still is worryingly often).

And I have come to the conclusion that although I have stumbled twice, I have not even had 1 full cigarette since I quit, so that is pretty good going! And it is 2 weeks today! Wohoo! SO far I have saved 63 pounds not smoking!

Today I had a new bathroom delivered. The bloke who was delivering it said he can only bring it next to my house, they are not allowed to carry things in etc. So I decided to try my womanly charms. Afterall, I couldn't be carrying all that indoors on my own, just after a bloody surgery now could I? And my dog, well she is useless and would not help me either :)

After chatting to him, and telling him about the surgery and being a single woman all on my own, I had him as putty in my hands. Half an hour later the entire bathroom suite was in my house without me having to lift a finger. Not only that, I also had two very usefull contacts he gave me and I knew his dogs name and what his wife does for living and how much their house cost. That my friends, is how one uses the womanly charms. I believe my sister is coming quite adept at this too. She had to go and buy oil for my brothers Alfa Romeo which she is looking after whilst he is tangoing in Argentina, and she didnt even know how to open the hood.
No problem, skirt and lots of eyelash batting and confused looks at the oil shelf of the gas station and probem was solved in no time when the men jumped to her rescue. I am glad she is learning from her big sis  ;)

I tell you what as well, lot of people have been saying that they have been really enjoying reading the blog, laughing their asses off. But I have now realised the people who have said that have either been smokers, or ex smokers, I guess this hits a spot for them. Where as non smokers havent said much, or at least have not found it funny. LOL.(with the exception of my sister who is my avid reader) I think it takes a smoker to understand my pain, really taste it :D

Well I really have been racking my brain for something funny to say, but I have NOTHING today. Sorry folks, just boring ol crap today.

Foot and mouth disease

The latest in the non-smoking drama unfolds as this stupid day 11 comes to an end (thank god).

I started with really bad sleep last night, kept waking up and then woke up screaming my little head off after a nightmare at exactly 5:30. My poor dog fell out of bed scared of this monsterous looking madwoman with bloodshot eyes, beads of sweat and tears running down my face, and flaping about like a scizophreniac who just escaped from the straightjacket. This dream I have explained in detail to only 2 people and we shall leave it at that as I do not want it shared publicly, but I can assure you, it was horrible. So much so, that I had to text my sister at 6am, just to make sure she was alive and well. She came back few hours later with 'I am alive, but in hell they call work...' which made me feel so much better :D

Needless to say I started my day in a foul mood. And sometimes when you have that kind of start to your day, it just gets worse from there. It did.

It appears that this other woman has taken residence in my body, she bitches and moans about absolutely everything and everyone. (or maybe aliens performed a personality transplant??)
To the point of moaning about people and just to find them stood behind me. Staring. With an evil eye.

In total 3 times I have done that today to my shock and horror, and as this is not normally something I do all the time, I haven't been able to recover the situations in any good way at all, just gone red, turned away and sweated some more. And thought about crying but dismissed it as something that evil bitches like me should not really do, might ruin the image! After the person has walked away, I have been seen self-mutilating, beating my head with my fists, swearing in Finnish and internally screaming at my own idiocy. So I have come to the conclusion that I must have been infected with foot and mouth disease. If I haven't, I think I should. I think a foot in my mouth would be a really good this to get this god damn huge gob shut. Permanently.

I really, really have felt embarassed by this and I probably am creating an army of people who will hate me from this day to eternity. *Sigh* But apprently quitting smoking is good for me. (I keep trying to repeat that mantra over and over again)

I have also noticed that my memory and concentration has completely left me. Good example of this is from this wretched morning, I call a customer and leave a message on his mobile for him to call me back as I want to tell him about a job we have done and ask him something. He calls back exactly 10 minutes later and says 'You called'
I reply 'Did I? No I don't think I did' to which he laughs (luckily I get along with him quite well by now and speak to him daily) and after we repeat the above a few times he actually mimics my voice and my message (actually worryingly well) and only then do I remeber that YES I did ring him and then started the wondering about why did I ring him.(which he found very funny I might add, he did ask me how old I was exactly and when I was due to retire) After further 60 seconds, my brain finally decided to give me a tidbit and I remember what I was supposed to be talking to him about. SO not only have I got foot and mouth disease, I now also have dementia! But apperently quitting smoking is good for me!!
(I wonder if it is good for my job?)

I think tho, to be perfectly honest, part to do with todays disasters is the fact that I am going for a surgery in hospital tomorrow, and those who know me well, also know that my faith in NHS and doctors in general is rather poor, so I have used much of my brain capacity imagining all the possible scenarios of how this surgery could go wrong.

So just for the record, I want to be cremated, ashes can be thrown around Finland in gay abandon to any relevant spots that I may have hang about in my youth. At my funeral everyone needs to get drunk, that is an order! Dancing at tables is optional. So my sister gets my books, she can also have my shoes and clothes PROVIDING she shares them with Minna. And Minna gets the oils and the books about healing and herbs and things.

Dana says she wants the Audi, she is only getting driving lessons now and has promised me that she can damage it in no time, which would be a suitable faith for a 10 year old lady and since it is no good for anyone in Finland with the wheel on wrong side, I think she should have it. (What I am sure she wouldn't like is the 1800 pounds left of the loan to pay heheh!) Apparently she would also like the Wii, but I told her that she would have to have a boxing match with my sister and brother for that. (now that I would like to see!)

Guitar would go to the bro if he comes back alive from Argentina, as well as my technological things like phones, computers and so on. Rest, well there is only debt, so hopefully sale of the house would just about cover those.

So there, one testament, voila!
(Why do people need like lawyers- solicitors to sort these things out, it is very simple?)

After all that, I will probably be just fine and I have made a huge deal about nothing due to my need for cigarettes making every issue BIG. Most likely outcome is that I am fine by Monday and have to return to my rock hard SAS training schedule (LOL).

So that's it. I am off to see what horrors Champix has on the box office for me tonight!

Taraa!

PS: The picture in the beginning was rather suited for todays mood, I would really have needed that ONE smoke, just the one and all my worries would have floated away.