Epic Fail!!

So I have a confession to make. (What a surprise) I managed 10 weeks without smoking, then one Sunday morning early I got woken up from my hangover haze with a text message that my grandmother had passed away.

With mouth tasting like cat piss and with a fuzzy head I dragged myself to my computer and looked at some flights. I sat there for pretty much an hour just staring at the screen, trying to decide if I should leave in 4 hours or the next day. I couldn’t make a decision.

I decided to take the dog for a walk and the fresh air helped me cry a bit and then decide that I am leaving now.

I booked my flights, walked into a corner shop and bought 10 cigarettes, smoked 3 of them in half an hour, took a shower, packed and left for the airport.

In my infinite wisdom I thought that I will just have those 10 cigarettes and then no more.


The next day I smoked last of those 10 in the morning, swearing to my sister that this would be it. No more.


I had to catch a train up north and most of the train journey I was fine, but towards the end of the 6 hour joyride I was dying to have a cigarette again, so I went into the restaurant van. Turns out they don’t sell any. The cashier looked at me with sympathy, I would imagine my facial expression was somewhat sad, pathetic, borderline about to loose my mind with crazy sheen to my eyeballs. She said maybe I can help and offered me one of her own cigarettes. I nearly wept. Total stranger was being so kind for no valid reason.


When I arrived at my destination I grabbed myself from the neck and decided to stick with not getting any more. All week from Monday evening until Saturday I stayed not smoking. The funeral was on Saturday and I was due to do a speech. Large amount of my relatives smoke and I ended up bumming 3 cigarettes that day, supposedly to calm my nerves and sadness.


The next day was travel back down south and overnight stay at my sisters, stayed without smoking. Monday evening when my sister and her boyfriend dropped me off at the airport, I jumped out of the car and walked into shop directly and bought some cigarettes.


And now I have been smoking like a chimney for 3 weeks. I have been so angry and disappointed with myself that I haven’t even wanted to write here. Such a pathetic, weak and stupid excuse human being that I am.


Seems the more pissed off I have got with myself, the more I have smoked. What annoys me the most is the cost, I had saved over 400 pounds in that 10 weeks, and the second thing is the neediness, I felt so free without having to make sure I had enough cigarettes and without having to top up my nicotine every hour.


So you may be pleased to hear that I will attempting to quit again. I am totally not looking forward to the first 2 weeks of total hell, as that is what it is, truly, now I know already what is ahead and it is not a nice prospect.


And guess what, the first day of that is tomorrow.


I will smoke myself stupid today, enjoy my last cigs the best I can.


And then we are back to my whining and moaning and bitching as from tomorrow, I will be trying to write again most days and see what rubbish I can spew out from my nicotine withdrawal crazed brain this time for your entertainment or disgust, whichever applies.