Still alive, over and out!

 

I am a little calmer and happier than I was last time writing (phew). I must tell you though, that after the last rant, as you know I was having a really, really bad day. Woke up the next morning, went to work…as you do. Around 10am one of my colleagues asks who’s is that gold Audi? –Mine, WHY? I answer with sheer horror in my voice.

‘You have a flat tyre!’

I buried my head in my hands, burst into tears thru which I managed to scream I hate that fucking car! You should have seen his facial expression at that!!! I don’t know if it was the swearing or the tears that shocked him the most. Must have thought I am a complete basket case! As it happened there was lots of people milling around our desks at that precise moment in time and lots of baffled looks. It was just the final thing on top of everything that just broke me. As it happens, some kind lads from work got it all sorted for me and by the afternoon I had new tyre and it only cost me £44. Could have been much worse, that was with our company discount so saved a bit there. Had to laugh at someone’s comment ‘It’s only a flat tyre love, not a problem, we will get it sorted for you!’ God knows what kind of stories about me will be flying around the office, down the mobiles to all the engineers as well. The crazy Finnish woman was at it again! This is twice this year I have cried my eyes out in the office, both times after quitting smoking as well. Seems everyone else is perfectly normal and balanced human being. It is just me that seems to have emotions like a 5 year old! (I could try and blame the withdraw symptoms?)

As to my finances, they are still completely knackered, but the car has finally got it’s MOT sorted for another year. In the end I did find another seat belt for £40 so the total damage remained under £300 for it all. Still plenty, but not quite in the £500 mark.

As for smoking, it is now day 34 without a single puff of the evil cigarette. Yay me!

As for boyfriend, haven’t got one anymore, so singleton again. Hope he finds his happiness in London. Me, well I should be used to being single anyway since been that way for almost 4 years anyhow, so came to terms with my luck with men over the weekend.  Might as well stay single now for another few years, have had enough drama for a while. I think I will invest in a black cat instead.

However, should Shane Ward, Johnny Depp, Jason Statham, Orlando Bloom, Ewan McGregor, Jensen Ackles, Gerard Butler, Hugh Jackman, Vin Diesel or Antonio Banderas knock on my door, I would have to reconsider!

I have to say, the dreams are still awesome, Champix is keeping me dreaming with some of the above starring in them I might add to my delight!. Yesterday I stayed in bed till 5pm so had plenty of dreams. When finally managed to get myself up I only stayed awake for 6 hours and then back to bed. And had no trouble falling asleep!

I think I was just emotionally and physically completely drained.

Today, I feel almost like a normal person again. It was good to have a duvet day and clear my head a bit!

On and towards new tobacco free adventures!

Warning- There is a storm brewing

First of all, if you don't like swearing, grapahic detail and generally royally pissed off woman's rantings, I suggest you close this window now and move on, there is nothing for you here today! You must be minimum age of 25 at least and preferably have at least 3 kids to read today's post!

Now that we got that important bit out of the way, my god do I need to unload in megabig way. I am almost scared at what might come out, but out it shall come since I have learned that this public outing of my blogging is in some shape or form therapeutic and I might feel better afterwards. Directly after that I will feel remorse and quite possibly delete the whole post, it has happened before. So if you are reading this, read quick as it might only be available for few minutes or hours.

If there has been any day that I really have needed a cigarette, it has been today.And I have been so close to just saying fuck it and walked to the shop. I haven't, even after the 2 latest bombshells. Which makes me a superhumanbeing. ...Why? I hear you ask.....

Well let me tell you the story!

This story has many dimensions ans aspects and parts totally irrelevant to eachother, they just have compounded on each other making it just about the shittiest day this year.

It all started last thursday when I took my car for MOT. As some of you know I bought my car for 2500 pounds last year. Since then I have spent 1400 pounds in fixing it. So by any accounts this damn piece of shit should go thru the MOT (katsastus for the finns). But oh no, I forgot...one evening when I attached my dogs harness to the seatbelt, it resulted to the dog chewing it. Like really well. So that particular evening I gets to my destination and my friend assures me that they dont fail MOT for that, as long as the seatbelt locks it will pass. Therefore I promptly forgot about the whole thing. Well as you can imagine, it failed. Now that could make me a bit crumpy at my dog, but really, it is a seatbelt, how bad can that be?

Then we get to Item 2 of the failure. Rubber gaitor missing on the streering rack. This of course would be very normal and afterall does not cost a lot. It is just that I spent 900 pounds in replacing both steering racks and steering pump exactly 12 months ago, which totally messed up my finances. So one should think, they would do the job properly and fit all the relevant parts, including some piece of rubber that it should have? 

Apparently not. So lets start adding up, 48 pounds for the MOT (that failed) piece of rubber that should be there and is not although i paid for it, 30 pounds for that piece of shit and another 30 for fitting it.

Sooooo, we have 108 pounds now for something that should not even have happened. 

So let's return to the seatbelt. Ooooh, the seatbelt. So the garage tells me that I can try and find used one, and they can try and find used one from scrappers, or we can order one from Audi for around 54 pounds plus VAT plus carrige...so around 70 pounds. In my infinite wisdom (which appears I have plenty) I order one from internet for 28 pounds, shipped for next day delivery. Great. Problem solved. So I take my car down, my colleague Sarah picks me up to work from there (for second time by now, thanks sarah, be lost without you!) and it will all get repaired, I will have MOT certificate and all is well in the world.

Well...NO! The used seatbelt is A.) inop- piece of shit that does not work and oh wait...B.) wrong type as well and the fitter spent 2 hours fitting it and managed to get it fit, but then the damn thing refused to work.

So the bill of 108, let's add few more hours of wasted labour to it...we now have 168 (plus 28 paid for the used belt) so 198 pounds. No MOT certificate. No working seatbelt. So then comes the next obstacle. Why was it wrong???

It appears that I have a very special car indeed. Most cars like mine have 3 doors. Well mine happens to be one of the few made with 5 doors for special people. Here we can think 2 ways, oh...I am special with a very special car, or I am totally fucked with a very special car. I of course was leaning towards the latter by this point. And I needed a cigarette.

When you have 200 pounds in your account for rest of the months living and it is only the 10th, this really isn't good news. But guess what, it was about to get better!!!! (how is that possibe I hear you ask....?)

I speaks to the people I bought the used part from and who supposedly promise 30 day guarantee, that does not sound too good and I have come to the conclusion I wont see a penny of that. Fair enough, must be deserved for being a cheapskate, woman...whatever???? I could sue them but I could spend 2 years waiting for winning that!

But now we are starting to get to the good bit....I tells the garage to order the belt from Audi for next day delivery an that I will take my car back down. Great...just do it, extra 70 quid but at least this nighmare is over..... Well...ahem....NO!

I gets a call 1 hour later, very apologetic, they have gone to order the belt from Audi and suddently the sales guy is like...OMG I have made a mistake, if it is 5 door, the new seatbelt is 154 pounds, plus VAT, plus carriage. Call it 200 pounds. (so now the bill would be 400...yeah...which I dont have)

At this point I nearly walk out of work, drive my stupid Audi to closest shop and buy some cigarettes. But I dont.

Instead I call a few places , put a few feelers out on the tinternet and on few databases and get to the conclusion that NOBODY in this country will have a used one of these god forsaken seatbelts! That if I may add; no-one ever uses on my back seat.

By this point I could get really pissed off at my dog, but I don't...I love her...for some peculiar reason.

Now my hopes and dreams are hanging on 1 person, 1 place who may be able to fix the previous seatbelt for less that 200 pounds tomorrow. But I would say that is 1% chance, otherwise we are in that 400 pound happy pot.

Anyhow, jeesus all that talk about a car. Well it is not just that what is causing my bad day.....

The doctor also gave the wrong precripton of champix yesterday (the drug that is helping me quit smoking) and I got the drugs that are far too weak for my kind of hardcore ex-smoker. So after running around screaming at the pharmasist first, who by the way could not find my prescription , then calling the doctors surgery (as the pharmacists demanded) being on hold for 10 minutes and getting really bloody annoyed, I am still in possession of drugs that I paid for and that are wrong and I need to go to see my doctor and then pay for another presccription sometime in the bext few days to get back on track with the right pills and so on... If I just could get there, but I can't as I am working late shift and doctors surgery is closed by the time I get home.

Apparently the pharmacy  would be happy with faxed prescription, but APPARENTLY my surgery can't do that. For fucks sake?  This actually is a really long story, but you have a very short version of it there. SOMEONE Gimme a fag to let me outta me misery!!!!! I would really have a great ewxcuse here to start again....

And Tina, thanks! I would have had that cig off Emma this afternoon if it wasn't for you!

So all and all I had a crappy day as you can tell. But wait....the best is still to come. What else could it be I hear you ask?

Well I have been single as most of you know for 4 years, simply because I was very broken and there wasn't really a person I could or would fall for.(ome of you concluded that such a guy who would pass the 'good to stay' inspection does not excist) Until 3-4 weeks ago. Someone who is intelligent, handsome, considerate and all those things my kinda girl wants. So we met once, twice...7 times. And even to the point that I went to change my fb relationship status. ie. very seriously smitten kinda stuff.

Well, in this little few weeks, the government cuts meant that he lost his job, and when I got home today I found out that he got a new one. Good news I hear you say. Yeah!

Well, no. The new job is in London.

WTF did I do to the gods to deserve this? 

I can't even go any further on the matter, just fucking devastating. Life is such!

So now that I have spent hours crying and punching the wall...I HAVE NOT had a cigarette. But I just might yet. Anyhow, self perseverance comes to play. Back to I don't give a shit about anything, anyone and yada yada ya. Just pretend nothing matters for a very long time. Cause it is pointless giving a shit.

Just go with the flow and stop giving a fuck about whatever it is that is going on.

On this note, after a bottle of wine and major rant...I feel totally deflated an I really could not care if world came to an end, but I will wake up in the morning and carry on as if none of this ever happened, after all...isn't that what youre supposed to do?

So how was you day? :) (please feel free to tell me about your crappy, or ever crappiest day EVER!)

Ps: share a link on fb...I need readers since I post at non sensible times.
I need someone to share this fucking shizen! Ok? I dare you!

Cruising altitude 27 days and counting!

Another long stretch has gone without blogging it all. As I said, I am running out of ideas, how many times can you repeat yourself without it becoming boring?



I have good days, I have bad days. Every day I still think about smoking. Some days a bit less and some days a bit more. But I have managed entire 27 days without a single puff.


And no; I am not lying, although Dave at work is convinced that as soon as I leave work I rush into some top secret location to have one, without ANYONE knowing.


I find it funny as well that the lodger seems to think I don’t notice him smoking in his room. The whole house smells of cigarettes when he has one up in his bedroom as the door has a good gap and when he opens the window, the draught and smoke just gets thru the gap at the door and spreads itself around the house. But he probably thinks like I used to, that no-one will smell it as he has window open. Becoming a non smoker has made me realise how damn strong they really do smell. And of course the rental agreement says non-smoking room. To be fair I don’t give a damn when I am away, it is just when I am there and gagging for a cig myself, it isn’t helping smelling it around the whole house. But I will persevere. He had left his cigarettes in the kitchen last night, and I nearly had one of them. Temptation is everywhere!


And to think I used to chain smoke indoors, and certainly didn’t have window open in the wintertime. Yikes, not a nice thought anymore.


I am now noticing that my skin looks bit better, I breathe easier, don’t get out of breath quite so easily and generally have better energy levels. ( I am sure the 3 litres of coffee per day has nothing to do with it!)


Of course there are still some drawbacks, for example eating like a little piggie; kebabs, curries, cakes, pizzas, burgers, chips, sausage and bacon sandwiches. I do manage maybe 1 day a week when I might have something healthy, like a chicken salad. But rest of the time I am eating loads. Astonishingly, last 2 weeks have not seen any weight gain, so that’s good. I am sure it is working up some momentum and one morning I will just simply not fit into the clothes I am wearing today, fat will be just taking over completely.


We used to have Friday as naughty sandwich day in the office, when most folk would have a bacon buttie. Now I am having one everyday! Yammy! But to be honest, right now I don’t give a monkeys ass, as long as I stay without a cig well into the new year. Then we can start working on the next task…losing the 5 stone I have put on by then :D
Haha…that should be a laugh! I do like to make life difficult for myself. I could have just carried on smoking.


Now it is worth a mention that in the last 28 days, I have saved 140 pounds not smoking. Where that money is, I have no idea??? I don’t seem to have any more of it. But on the other hand I have done 80% of my Xmas shopping, which is very unusual as I don’t normally start until mid December. So maybe that’s where it went?