I have noticed this sweat think returning, it is day 3 after my BAD BAD behaviour and smoking with gay abandon for 10 days and deciding that I am the worlds largest idiot and quitting again. I am so warm it is crazy. I can see me turning up on this date and having one of those moments when sweat is quite literally dripping into my eyes. Especially if I eat something hot and spicy. That is very likely too since I love hot chillis and the like. Memo to self> Go and spray the entire deodorant bottle all over body before calling the taxi.
Oh and something that really is winding me up as well is that nobody who visits comments at all. Would be so nice to hear from you, YES YOU! As I know people do come across my pointless ramblings cause I can see it in my stats. And would be nice if someone did share the post once in a while too. So since nobody is I am wondering if there is any point to this verbal vomit at all. Maybe I should have just written private diary. Maybe I will do that about the upmteen online dates. Mind you that would be such a depressing diary that I would probably end up burning it at full moon dancing naked on top of a Halifax hill.
I have now come to the conclusion that quitting smoking is possibly the damn hardest thing I have ever done. Well, tried to do as I don't feel I am on top of it yet as I have just had a relapse. Just goes to show that this is a fight for life that can last for the rest of your life. It is so easy to say I will have just one...when you think you can handle it. But I am living proof that you really shouldn't as that tends to lead to another and suddenly you are week or a year down the line smoking a packet a day.
But it is also a journey of self discovery. How bad you can feel, how great you can feel once you feel like you are beating it and how much of a fighter you really have to be to try again after failing a number of times.
I have also learnt that when I have a relapse, when people come to me tutting and shaking theirs heads, I really do feel like I could punch their lights out. In some way it was good they did that but all it did was piss me off royally and make me have another. It was in the end game me who had to pick up the pieces and decide to get a grip of my own self destructing behaviour. I am the only one who can make the choice.
This is not to say that support isnt important, it really is. But I have realised that after the 1st two weeks everyone forgets that you are still fighting like hell for beating this thing. Every single day is a fight, sometimes it is just a small skirmish by 6 men on the Scottish Highlands but other times it is the World War 2 and occasionally it is the Apocalypse. It is very important to know who your troops are. Right now I feel I have none, but thats just my mood, I am sure it is not true in reality.
Edited 3 days later>
F*ck It. I fell again. No the date wasn't that bad, but he did smoke.
For frikks sake. I'd like to see him again but is that wise considering that I am likely to bum all his fags off him?
I am totally totally hopeless, useless piece of middle aged woman ass(wipe).
Someone just shoot me now. With a shotgun. And then shoot again just to be sure to put me out for good. Pissing heck.
Hi Miia, please be re-assured that somebody is reading your blogs. I've kept reading them since moving here and I hope you eventually beat those cigarettes!
ReplyDeleteThank you for your reply, I didn't believe you would. I can only apologise for moving to London to find work, and I still don't believe I had much choice. I'm not the sort who can work in any rubbish job to stay in an area. As our relationship at the time was only fledgling I assumed it wouldn't bother you too much - seems I was right :) and here was me feeling guilty!
I regret not working at it with you though. Had circumstances been a bit different. You are worth the effort and I hope your new boyfriend appreciates that, and treats you properly.
On another matter, in your post you referred to yourself as 'middle-aged'! Lol! that's certainly not the talk of the radiant woman I remember!
ps - I don't have a Facebook account any longer. I quit FB not long since we split, never got beyond 5 friend. Perhaps I should set up another account and send you a few texts. It would be nice to speak to you.
pps - remember to set your phone to call yourself if he's boring you!
ppps - X
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