Day 3 - Dejavu of a Dejavu

Well I have been too busy to blog the normally agonising days 1 and 2. They have been somewhat bearable altho of course I am craving all the time. I wonder if it is because I am starting to be a veteran at this, this is the 4th serious attempt and last. (Amen)

I have had to use the electric cig a littlebit and aim to wean myself of that in the coming weeks too. This morning I feel fantastic. Went and walked the dogs, went to yoga, did 20 mins of cardio after and it all felt so much easier than last weekend when I quite literally wanted to die after 5 minutes on the crosstrainer. My chest feels lighter, my cough that I developed is easing, so many benefits in just over 2 days. It is crazy really.

I feel like I could do a session of Flashdance next :)

Sun is shining, it is the weekend and I feel happy.

Bet you lot thought I was gonna moan and bitch as per usual. Haha! Sorry to disapoint.

I am starting a new job Monday so maybe there may be some stress coming along next week, I am also getting my kitchen and living room floor done next week so that could be another stress but all and all, right this moment in time I feel fab.

We went to see the Hobbit yesterday and it was this HFR thingy, meaning higer frame rate, normal film has 24 pictures per second, HFR has 48, it was also 3D and on the extreme size screen, it was unbelievable how real it was, you really were in the film for sure, total feast for the eyes. As it happened, the film had couple of clitches that lasted few seconds, so due to that we all got given 2 free VIP tickets to any film on any screen at anytime.
Super bonus! I imagine with it being the first film to hit cinemas with this technology they are having few issues with it, but I am sure those will soon be ironed out. But totally recommend watching it as film was good and if you have the opportunity to watch it is hfr 3d format, go for it, worth the extra money for sure for something spectacular.

Other than that I will be off to buy me 18 packs of laminate and some underlay and make some homemade pizza and have a cheeky glass of wine later.

The Night before....

The night before....

Feeling all sorts of things to be honest, finished in my old job today and the workmates gave me a bunch of lovely presents, flowers and a card, had a really busy time with breakdowns and feel somewhat sorry for the remaining team as they will have their work cut out for them. Feel relieved as the job was very stressful but also wonder what new job will bring along and feel passing sadness for the times at Atlas Cranes, made some friends, made some enemies and worked my ass off. Lately it just wasn't appreciated so much so it was time to move on.

In the morning looms the 1st day ahead again. It will be sweat and tears for sure and now that some last minute changes to tomorrows plans came along I just need to think of ways to keep myself occupied.

So far here is the to do list>

1. Go to the tip
2. Go to supermarket for weekly shop
3. Dog shop for chewies
4. Non smokers meeting
5. Drive to Stockport
6. See the hubby on trial for first time in a week
7. Walk doggies

If I can just think of another 30 things to slot in there I will be fine :)

This evening is mainly been spent by socialising with sister , writing this blog and listening to my fav play list on spotify sipping some damn mighty fine savignon blanc from Marlborough (no pun intended it is just the best savignon you can get) courtesy of my good ol work mates.

The playlist for those who may have an interest:
The entire cd of 'Have a metal Xmas'
and then...
Nirvana – In Bloom
Jimmy Eat World – The Middle
The Soup Dragons – I'm Free
Fall Out Boy – This Ain't A Scene, It's An Arms Race
The Offspring – Why Don't You Get A Job?
Nirvana – Smells Like Teen Spirit
Catatonia – Mulder And Scully
001. Scorpions – Raised On Rock
002. Bon Jovi – Superman Tonight
3 Doors Down – Kryptonite
3 Doors Down – Time Of My Life
3 Doors Down – When You're Young
3 Doors Down – Round And Round
10cc – Wall Street Shuffle
069. Shawn Fisher渀 – Open Your Eyes
172. Kid Rock礀 – All Summer Long
181. Apocalyptica & Adam Gontier Of Three Days Grace漀 – I Don't Care (Brauer Mix)
Alter Bridge – Breathe Again
Rains – Liar
Rains – Hate
Rains – Fake
Rains – Five Minutes
Rains – Look In My Eyes
Rains – Tearing Us Apart
Rains – American Dream (The Story of David)
Rains – Pressure
Rains – Right Or Wrong
Rains – Hurricane
Rains – Wait
Rains – Something New
The 69 Eyes – DANCE D´AMOUR
Vince Neil – Tattoos & Tequila
Vince Neil – Long Cool Woman
Vince Neil – Viva Las Vegas
Vince Neil – Bitch Is Back
Van Halen – Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Love
Slipknot – Vermilion Pt. 2
Hollywood Undead – Everywhere I Go
The Killers – Somebody Told Me
Limp Bizkit – Rollin' (Air Raid Vehicle)
The Offspring – You're Gonna Go Far, Kid - Explicit Album Version
Nirvana – Lithium
Smash Mouth – All Star
Ten – Centre Of My Universe
Ten – Stormwarning
Volbeat – 7 Shots
Volbeat – 16 Dollars
Guano Apes – Big In Japan

As I have such a great taste, all of those are obviously awsome to say the least. Ahem. Next time I might have a soft moment and list all the really soft and recent pop lists I have. So yes. I am not only rock chick, I spread my wings and listen to latin, pop, country and even classical *mainly when I am reading I might add.

So yeah, on to the challenge of tomorrow.

Wish me luck.

Few really cheesy jokes to end this fantastically important and down to the point blog post>

What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?

Slow down and use a lubricant.

(Do please make a little gold clap everyone!)

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

Good night folks. I am going for one last cig.

The End. (This time pun intended)

Final Frontier

I did fail totally yet again. I have been smoking for the past month. Maybe not as much as before but about 10 a day. And that's as bad as 20 a day.

I went to gym today after a break of 1.5 weeks of that due to just been too busy and I almost died. The difference is amazing, my chest is tight, I struggle for enough oxygen and feel really out of shape. I have also had a cold looming making me feel tired and ratty.

I have decided that I will try quit again, one last time. If I fail then i might as well stay a smoker. It is too hard to keep doing this to myself.

So I tucked my tail between my legs and went back to to see the non smoking advisors looking very sheepish. I explained to them how annoyed I was, how easy it was just to slip back after that one smoke. now if i was them i would have shaken my head and tutted a lot with my arms crossed on my chest, but they didn't. One of the ladies said 'well you don't seem like a happy smoker and thats why you are back' and that I should try again. One last time.

So back on Champix *sigh* and this time adamant that I will not have any nicotine aids on the side, as maybe that has been my downfall. We will see how it goes. I am getting to the point where I dont really have much umph left for anything but i will give it one mo9re damn good go and then thats bloody well it.

Ramblings

I am just about to set off on yet another online date. This one is dinner so if he is really horrible at least I will get fed. On downside I will have to listen to him for an hour or two. That is perhaps why god created wine?

I have noticed this sweat think returning, it is day 3 after my BAD BAD behaviour and smoking with gay abandon for 10 days and deciding that I am the worlds largest idiot and quitting again. I am so warm it is crazy. I can see me turning up on this date and having one of those moments when sweat is quite literally dripping into my eyes. Especially if I eat something hot and spicy. That is very likely too since I love hot chillis and the like.  Memo to self> Go and spray the entire deodorant bottle all over body before calling the taxi.

Oh and something that really is winding me up as well is that nobody who visits comments at all. Would be so nice to hear from you, YES YOU! As I know people do come across my pointless ramblings cause I can see it in my stats. And would be nice if someone did share the post once in a while too. So since nobody is I am wondering if there is any point to this verbal vomit at all. Maybe I should have just written private diary. Maybe I will do that about the upmteen online dates. Mind you that would be such a depressing diary that I would probably end up burning it at full moon dancing naked on top of a Halifax hill.

I have now come to the conclusion that quitting smoking is possibly the damn hardest thing I have ever done. Well, tried to do as I don't feel I am on top of it yet as I have just had a relapse. Just goes to show that this is a fight for life that can last for the rest of your life. It is so easy to say I will have just one...when you think you can handle it. But I am living proof that you really shouldn't as that tends to lead to another and suddenly you are week or a year down the line smoking a packet a day.

But it is also a journey of self discovery. How bad you can feel, how great you can feel once you feel like you are beating it and how much of a fighter you really have to be to try again after failing a number of times.

I have also learnt that when I have a relapse, when people come to me tutting and shaking theirs heads, I really do feel like I could punch their lights out. In some way it was good they did that but all it did was piss me off royally and make me have another. It was in the end game me who had to pick up the pieces and decide to get a grip of my own self destructing behaviour. I am the only one who can make the choice.

This is not to say that support isnt important, it really is. But I have realised that after the 1st two weeks everyone forgets that you are still fighting like hell for beating this thing. Every single day is a fight, sometimes it is just a small skirmish by 6 men on the Scottish Highlands but other times it is the World War 2 and occasionally it is the Apocalypse. It is very important to know who your troops are. Right now I feel I have none, but thats just my mood, I am sure it is not true in reality.

Edited 3 days later>
F*ck It. I fell again. No the date wasn't that bad, but he did smoke.
For frikks sake. I'd like to see him again but is that wise considering that I am likely to bum all his fags off him?

I am totally totally hopeless, useless piece of middle aged woman ass(wipe).
Someone just shoot me now. With a shotgun. And then shoot again just to be sure to put me out for good. Pissing heck.

Then you fall a little

It is time for the confession. I have been putting this off for a week or so but it has to be done. I fell flat on my face and smoked for 1.5 weeks.
Why did I do such a thing after being smokefree for nearly 4 months. I really do not know, I just really wanted a cigarette and had one, then two and then 20. So all in all I had about 40 cigarettes in space of 10 days. And kicked my own ass after each one, but could not stop myself.

Nothing major happened in my life that upset me or such so there was no excuse. The last cigarette I had was 3 days ago and strangely I have been ok after that, ok in cravings wise, they have been there but not ridiculous, so I have had couple of nicotine gums a day and thats been enough.

I just really dont know what came over me, I have been pretty pissed off at myself and have had good tellings off from few people.

I was enjoying being non smoker, it was saving me loadsa money so why do back down that road?
It did help that I got a really bad cold and it reminded me how many colds I had last year and that stopped me on Wednesday. I was pretty much in bed in fever and with massive headache for Thursday and Friday sweating this cold out and only starting to feel bit better today. I would imagine I would still have it if I carried on smoking, it would develop into a chest infection and cough. Maybe this time, it won't.

I am feeling rather down in the dumps partly due to being poorly and partly due to being so disapointed in myself and life in general, but I will climb up, I will.

I apologise and try again. What else is there to do.

Tune of the day: Alter Bridge: I know It hurts. Have a listen, it is rather good.

Online dating edition

You know, I have written number of very placid posts and have not felt very strongly about anything which is a great shame since I was getting such a great reputation as the bitching bitch so I thought , just maybe I could still...you know. Have a go?

This time we come down to the internet dating. I have now been single for 6.5 years (cheezuz frikkin christ and all his children...) although that depends on what one considers singlehood, I have dated a number of people for little while, like a week, two or 4, but furtherst I have got in this last few years has been 8 weeks and to me that can not really be counted as a real relationship. Not because it was not real, but because it never became anything more than a few dates and on few occasions, some awsome earth shattering sex.

Now I probably should not have said that, but then again I am human, I do on a very rare occasion have precicely that, even though one in a proper world is not supposed to talk about that unless you are hiding behind a really dodgy nick name and wrong photo in this amazing place called tinterweb. The thing for me is that I have a very large number of  people from Finland as well as UK reading this blog, including members of my family, but every now and then and ESPECIALLY after quitting smoking I need to let the steam out no matter what it is that comes out. So this is what you lot get this time and I will probably delete it within hours of being posted so if I was you, reading this, I would send me some silly comment, whatever it may be, just to see if you ca try and convince me not to delete it.

Anyhow, as you can imagine being single for a LONG time, one comes across a date or two that are downright bad or just unbelivable. I have had all that. Let me give you a few examples....

There is the bloke who has the most amazing pictures and looks like greek god, but you then meet, he is dressed like Neo in Matrix with the whole full length leather jacket but half his teeth are missing and his breath is like Dart Wader *I can also confirm no light sabers were on sight as I know you sci-fi puffs would like to ask...*. I can conclude that he was smart enough to keep his MOUTH SHUT on all the nice pictures but it is not really something you can hide face to face. Tip to blokes, nothing... I repeat nothing...puts a woman off as much as bad teeth. If really they are that bad, get sorted with some dentures , whatever. Just say no to rotting mouth, please? So how do you tell your date that is the reason why you cant ever bear to look at them. Do 'the Miia' and text your friend to call you with immidiate emergecy that requires you to leave immidiately. Yup.

Then another classic is the case of the ever so handsome lad with gloriously nice photos and profile and after a bit of a chat a date was arranged. Just turns out he is 5 foot 1. I am 5 foot 9...PLUS wearing heels. He in fact had not put his height on his profile so it kinda never came a matter of discussion, but yeah, we looked like mother and son out and I was tempted to ask if he wanted a hot chocolate but instead we got drunk, slagged off all our exes off and had a great time but never...ever got in touch again.

Now dont take me all wrong here, I have met some amazing people, have spent some amazing evenings with amazing guys but I just fail to find one that I fall for. The one who really shakes your booty. I have also had umpteen bad dates, and not that I cant get along with just about anybody until I can make a classy and not rude escape as I do have manners, but some men are just hard work, they turn up, dont say a word and every question you ask is answered by yes or no and THAT is it. SO yeah, all sorts out there. Just for the record us ladies do like a bit of a story and like to also be listened, but it does take two to tango for either.SO it is really hard to fall for anyone.

In fact even that is little bit in-accurate as I am sure I could fall in love with Jason Statham or Johnny Depp before meeting them face to face but let's be fair, no price looking LIKE THAT is gonna ever ask me out so I need to keep looking on the normal guy cathegory, even on the too skinny or too fat cathegory and since I am about to 40, the desperate for anything than my ex-wife catergory.

You know, the pickings are REA:LLY slim. There is a reason why a lot of people are single in the 40's. And for blokes it seems to be something in the following cathegories: lazy, ignorant, stupid...hence they have been dumped. This may be me being really catty and bitchy but seems that the good guys stay in relationships, and thats because they probably are great in bed, to be with, great parents and company in every single way.

But thats not all, then there are the real sleazybags, OMG...dont get me started. Just this week I have had 2 really sickeningly good looking guys get in contact and I am wondering why....turns out they are looking for a one night hook up, while the girlfriend or wife is busy. If that was my boyfriend or husband, I would kill him. Really would. And I can imagine by the look of these guys that their girlfrienda are gorgeous Jordan lookalikes so I do not understand why they need the extra sex with some overweight nearly 40 year olds? For shits and giggles? So if there is 2 a week, you can imagine how may I have come accross in 6.5 years. Yup. World is full of slezy men. I bet every other guy that is reading this text right now could cheat on their partner. That is sick. What is WRONG with you people, if you dont like your partner, move on and get single and shag whoever, whenever you want without hurting anyone. WHY is that too hard. If you really love someone and are happy with them, there is NO WAY IN HELL you would want to get it on with anyone else AT ALL. That is what it is like when you find a soulmate. I know because I had that once.

Then there is the ones who have put the picture from 1996 on in which they looked great and now, well they look more like a beachwhale and smell like dumpster.

It is safe to say that I have had 100 first dates in past 6 years. maybe 4-6 of those have made it to second date and only 3 of those have made it to third. If you imagine that I have chatted with each of those hundered for anything from week to 8 weeks before meeting, you can imagine how much time I have wasted. And got nowhere.

To be fair 50% of the blokes are nice, decent in some cases even I would say real catches, it is just that I am in some form unable to fall for any of them. My friends like to blame my past love, they may be right as he is one hell of a bloke to beat, but some of them, in fact lot of them by now think that I am just too picky and I want too much. And there is some who are just too good to be true. You know who you are...if you read this, and I have failed YOU in my ice queen heart.

And then there are those who come out limping with a broken heart and you know all you would be to them is a rebound. And that can be fine, for a very very short time, like one evening that you both either regret or not but never repeat.

My question is...when did it come too much to want to fall in love? Why is that a swear word to all the good looking guys and why, oh why can I not fall in love with someone and have that feeling returned? And why the hell should I settle for someone who is nice even if I did not fall for them?

My family and friends by now just want me to be with just about anyone so that the balance and belief in life and love could be restored forever, but...I refuse forever and ever until there is a guy that makes my belly feel the butterflies, my mind and body want to see him and to hear his voice, I want to find someone that I can NOT wait to get home to to speak to and to share my entire life with.

It seems this is too much to ask.

However, should you be eligible batchelor and want to get in touch, please feel free as this chick is just about ready to give up and settle for spinsterhood for good!
PS: Especially of you are Jason or Johnny...PMFSL
PPS: I am however VERY tired of this crap so do make an effort with that application...

RANT FRIKKIN OVER.

I could so have a cigarette right now.

And please do leave a comment, any comment...nobody has left me a comment in months and here I am spewing out all this crap and likely to delete this very soon so would be nice to hear...well anything. Dont know if anyone reads this anymore x

103 Days...and nights!!

Well, well, well. I have been a very good girl. I have not had a cigarette for nearly 3.5 months. I stopped going to the meetings too about a month ago as I didn’t feel it necessary.

I haven’t written much as I sort of ran out of steam bitching and moaning about stuff and been pretty steady, if not even some days happy person, which has made a change from the first 6 weeks to people who have to deal with me in daily basis for sure.

The cravings still come and for me probably because I still use my VAPORATOR-R-R regularly. It is only once or twice a day, but still. I am sure that it is mostly just habit now, I have changed the liquid in it for the weakest possible so there isn’t that much nicotine in it, and occasionally here and there I will chew nicotine gum if I feel the need. Perhaps if I didn’t do either the cravings would be almost non existent.

I have this time gone past the quitting Champix bit and have not started smoking again, I had the last Champix maybe 3-4 weeks ago and feel fine without them.

Maybe this time I can actually stick with it, we have gone further than ever before. I am also going to gym 3 times a week and sweating like a fat bird in lycra does to keep the weight in check. At the moment I weigh exactly the same as I did when I quit smoking, so that’s GOOD. I did do low carb diet for 6 weeks but in the last week that has totally blown and have been eating normal again, this may be bad mistake, but find it difficult to be strict about everything. So right now I will stay strict about saying no to cigarettes and go to gym 3 x week and eat what I want. Will see what happens. My ass feels tight like stone from all the cycling and cross training so I feel happy at that :D

I have now saved £670,00 not smoking. I have none of that in my pocket but I have had nice meals out, Lovely carnival in London, I have new wellies and court shoes and winter boots, dogs are vaccinated, bills are up to date, and I am going to Dublin in 2 weeks. Most of which I would not have or done if I had carried on smoking. So YAY!

SO yeah I just wanted to pop in, check in and tell you that YES… I am still a non-smoker one day at the time who is no fatter than before and I seem happy, a lot more than before.